I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this. - Emo Phillips Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence. - Joseph Krutch Hickory dickory dock, The mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one, The rest escaped with lesser injuries. You didn't have the right parents? Whose parents did you have? - Lister to Rimmer in Red Dwarf 'The End' Petersen: Have you seen Rimmer's arm? Chen: No, I'm waiting for it to come out in paperback! - Red Dwarf 'The End' Lister: Come on, what are you, a man or a munchkin? Rimmer: I'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz. - Red Dwarf 'Parallel Universe' That's rich coming from Miss Yo-yo knickers. - Lister to his female counterpart in Red Dwarf 'Parallel Universe' I had this Geography teacher Miss Foster, she took us on a school summer camp trip to the Ganwee. I had the tent next to her, right. And in the middle of the night I was woken up by this really weird noise. She didn't think men were better than machines. - Lister in Red Dwarf 'Queeg' Lister: Look at what he's given me for dinner, a pea on toast. One pea. I tell you I'm that far from cracking. (Goes to cut the pea, it rolls away) I've lost my pea, oh that's it I've cracked. Rimmer: He's just doing this to destroy your morale. Lister: Is he. Well. I want my pea back, it's my pea, I earned that pea. Where is it? I don't care if it's on the floor covered in fluff, if it's under the bed with my toenail clippings, I don't care where it is, it's my pea, I earned it, I'm going to eat it, no matter what! Rimmer: It flew off into your dirty sock basket. Lister: I'll just have the toast. - Red Dwarf 'Queeg' During the chess game in 'Queeg': Cat: If it's any help, I've been studying his tactics and there's a pattern emerging. Every time you make a move, he makes one too (winks to Holly). Holly: (winks back) Thanks Cat. - Red Dwarf Holly: We are talking April, May, June, July and August fool. Yes, that's right, I am Queeg. Rimmer, Lister, Cat: WHAT?! - Red Dwarf 'Queeg' Rimmer: Kryten, unpack Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit. I'm ALIVE! (just before he explodes) - Red Dwarf 'Timeslides' This is mine; that's mine,[etc.]; I'm claiming all this as mine, except that bit. I don't want that bit. But all the rest of this is mine! Hey, this has been a good day! I've eaten five times, I've slept six times, and I made a lot of things mine! Tomorrow I'm going to see if I can have sex with something! - Cat in Red Dwarf 'Confidence and Paranoia' Kryten: She looks like your cousin? What happened, was she in some kind of horrible accident? Rimmer: What, Janine? No, she was a model! Kryten: What did she model, spark plugs? - Red Dwarf 'Camille' You'll like them... Well some of them... Well one of them... Maybe. - Kryten to Camille in Red Dwarf 'Camille' He's got 'droid rot. He's waving a banana in front of my face and calling it an aardvark - Rimmer in Red Dwarf 'Camille' Smoke me a kipper, skipper; I'll be back for breakfast. - Ace Rimmer in Red Dwarf 'Dimension Jump' Dehydration - 34%, Recollection of previous evening - 2%, embarrassment factor - 91%. Advise repair schedule:- off line for 36 hours, re-boot startup disk, and replace head - wow, what a night! - Kryten in Red Dwarf 'The Last Day' Lister: We're on a mining ship, 3 million years into deep space. Can someone explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone? Cat: Hey it's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone! It's the policewoman's helmet and the suspenders that I don't understand! - Red Dwarf 'The Last Day' Rimmer: You? How did you get into art college? Lister: The same way you always get into art college. The same old usual boring normal way everyone gets into art college. I failed my exams and applied...they snapped me up! - Red Dwarf 'Thanks for the Memory' A superlative suggestion sir, with just two minor flaws: one, we don't have any defensive shields and two, we don't have any defensive shields. I know that, technically, that's only one flaw, but it was such a big one I thought I'd mention it twice. - Kryten (in response to the Cat's suggestion that they drop the defensive shields) in Red Dwarf 'Holoship' Holly: Better to have loved and lost than to listen to an album by Olivia Newton John. Lister: Why? Holly: Well, anything's better than listening to an album by Olivia Newton-John. - Red Dwarf 'Stasis Leak' Holly (explaining the milk shortage aboard the Dwarf): Nothing wrong with Dog's milk: full of goodness; full of vitamins; full of marrow-bone jelly! Lasts longer than any other type of milk, dog's milk. Lister: Why's that? Holly: No bugger will drink it! - Red Dwarf 'Stasis Leak' Lister: Shouldn't this cable go somewhere? Holly: Yes, connect it to the blue cable. [Lister is electrocuted] Holly: Or was that the yellow cable? Yes, I think it should be the yellow cable. - Red Dwarf 'Stasis Leak' Your sausages, Dave, now cover 98% of the Earth's surface. - Red Dwarf 'Me^2' Rimmer: The lamb was a bit of a flop though. Lister: Everybody thought the lamb was the cheese, and the lemon meringue pie, man, what was that? Rimmer: I thought you liked that -- you brought some back. Lister: Yeah, I wanted to try some on my athlete's foot! - Red Dwarf 'Better Than Life' Some might say I'm a pretty shallow guy, but a shallow guy with a great ass! - Cat in Red Dwarf 'Inquisitor' You're as much use as a condom machine at the Vatican. - Rimmer to Holly in Red Dwarf 'Queeg' Lister, if two people came to you for a job, and one of them's dead, which one would you choose? - Rimmer in Red Dwarf 'Queeg' The way the light catches the angles of your head...most enchanting. - Kryten to Camille in Red Dwarf 'Camille' Isn't it about this time your head goes back to the lab for re-tuning? - Rimmer to Kryten in Red Dwarf 'The Last Day' Holly: Well she [Kochanski] won't be of much use to you on Fiji now -- not unless it snows and you need something to grit the path with. - Red Dwarf 'The End' If you're interested, I'll be in my quarters, covered in maple syrup. - Red Dwarf 'Dimension Jump' You forgot Rimmer's Rule: Never fight anything with more teeth than the entire Osmond family. - Red Dwarf 'Polymorph' This isn't a meal -- this is an autopsy! - Cat in Red Dwarf 'Polymorph' It will be happened; it shall be going to be happening; it will be was an event that could will have been taken place in the future. - Red Dwarf 'Future Echoes' Lister: Love is what separates us from the animals. Rimmer: No, Lister -- what separates us from animals is that we don't use our tongues to clean our genitals. - Red Dwarf 'Confidence & Paranoia' Rimmer's Father: I just wanted to say... Rimmer: Yes? Rimmer's Father: I just wanted to say...you're a total smeghead! Rimmer: What?! That isn't my fantasy! Cat: No, it's mine. - Red Dwarf 'Better than life' Rimmer, real dumplings, proper dumplings, when they're properly cooked to perfection, proper dumplings do not bounce! - Lister in Red Dwarf 'Thanks for the Memory' Cat: What is it? Rimmer: It's a rent in the space time continuum. Cat: What is it? Lister: The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand still. So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve whatever it's leaked into, and it's leaked into this room. Cat: What is it? Rimmer: It's a singularity, a point in the universe where the normal laws of space and time don't apply. Cat: What is it? Lister: It's a hole back into the past. Cat: Oh, a magic door! Why didn't you say so? - Red Dwarf 'Stasis Leak' 'Mr. Arnold' isn't even his name. His name's 'Rimmer'; or 'Smeghead'; or 'Dinosaur Breath'; or 'Molecule Mind'. And if you want to be really mega-polite to him, Kryten -- we're talking mega-mega-polite -- in those rare and exceptional circumstances, you can call him "Arsehole". - Lister in Red Dwarf 'Kryten' I'm going to eat you little fishie; I'm going to eat you little fishie; I'm going to eat you little fishie; 'cos I like eating fish!' - Cat in Red Dwarf 'Better than life' Oxygen's for losers! - Confidence in Red Dwarf 'Confidence and Paranoia' Given that God is infinite, and given that the Universe is infinite, would you like a toasted tea cake? - Talkie Toaster in Red Dwarf 'White Hole' Rimmer: You're totally egocentric, you flee at the first sign of trouble, you always look out for Number One, you're vain, you're narcissistic and you're self-obsessed. Cat: Hey, you just listed all my best features! - Red Dwarf 'White Hole' Rimmer: I thought it was the worst pile of blueberry schoolgirl mush I have ever been forced to endure. I consider it an insult to my backside to have to sit growing carbuncles through such putrid adolescent slush. Kryten: You didn't find it uplifting? [....] Cat: Personally, I thought it started well, then fell apart. All that stuff about the ducks getting into trouble was great, but then it went black-and-white and I fell asleep. Kryten: But, sir, that was the cartoon before the main programme! - Red Dwarf 'Holoship' Well its true - a simple carpenters son who learns magic tricks like that and _doesn't_ go into show business? - Rimmer commenting on 'King of Kings' - The Story of Jesus, Red Dwarf 'Holoship' Nirvana: What do you do when you want to have sex? Rimmer: We go for runs? Watch gardening video's on the ship's vid? - Red Dwarf 'Holoship' Nirvana: It was...different Rimmer: Different? Nirvana: You make love like a Japanese meal - small portions but _so_ many courses. [....] Nirvana: We usually talk. Rimmer: What do you talk about? Nirvana: Oh, research, new theories, mission profiles. Rimmer: I'm sorry. I must seem very ignorant. I hardly said anything, apart from 'Geronimo'. - Red Dwarf 'Holoship' Rimmer, they're a bunch of arrogant, pompous, emotionally weird, stuck up megalomaniacs, do you really think you'll fit in with them? What am I saying? Bon Voyage. - Lister in Red Dwarf 'Holoship' Sir, I beg you to reconsider. If not for your sanity, you haven't even considered the moral implications of your decision. You will be joining a society where you will be compelled to have sex with beautiful woman twice daily, on demand. Now, am I the only one here who finds that just a little bit tacky? Well, quite clearly, I am. - Kryten in Red Dwarf 'Holoship' You must remember that he is operating on a completely different level to us now. To him, we are the mental equivalent of domestic science teachers. - Kryten, describing Rimmer with mind implants in Red Dwarf 'Holoship' Woman: I'd just like to get one thing clear in my mind. This is an opportunity to be revived as a hologram and become a part of the crew, and the crew is you 3. Basically, you spend your time salvaging derelict spaceships, playing poker, and eating curries? Lister: We don't exactly do much salvaging. Woman: But you do sound like you eat a lot of curries? Kryten: We don't exactly eat curries every night, if that's what you mean. In fact, I distinctly remember a time last June, Mr. Lister had a pizza. Remember? And you didn't like it, then I poured curry sauce all over it, and he just yummed it up! Woman: And the all night poker sessions. Is it always _strip_ poker? Lister: It all depends on how drunk we are. Cat: Or how much curry he's had. Woman: So, and this probably sounds like a stupid question, you don't have much interest in horse riding or ballet? Lister: Fine by us, just so long as we can have a curry afterwards, we're cool. Well of course, there's one or two other people we have to see, but in theory, if offered the post of replacement hologram, would you accept? Woman: No. No, I think I'm better where I am. Cat: But you're dead! Woman: And meeting you guys has really made me appreciate it a whole lot more. - Red Dwarf 'Holoship' But, I just want to say, over the years, I have come to regard you as...people I met. - Rimmer, making his goodbyes in Red Dwarf 'Holoship' Kryten: Ah, Virgil's Aeneid, oh the epic tale of Agamemnon's pursuit of Helen of Troy. The classic work by the greatest Latin poet who ever put quill to parchment. Lister: Yeah, its the comic book version. - Red Dwarf 'Inquisitor' Kryten: That is the Inquisitor. He prunes away the wastrels, expunges the wretched, and deletes the worthless. Rimmer: We're in big trouble. - Red Dwarf 'Inquisitor' Rimmer: Why did no one mention this before. If I had been told about this at the start, that the whole object was to lead a worthwhile life, I could have done something about it. All those charity telethons that I pledged to - if I had known, I would have given them _my_ credit card number. Kryten: Sir, sir, you don't have to be a great philanthropist, or a missionary worker, you simply have to seize the gift of life. Rimmer: Oh god. Kryten: Make a contribution. Rimmer: Oh God. Kryten: No matter how small. Rimmer: Oh GOD. Kryten: You simply, simply, have to have to have led a life that wasn't totally egocentric, self centered, and self serving. Rimmer: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you? - Red Dwarf 'Inquisitor' Lister: If you've got some amazingly secret plan up your sleeves Kryten, now is the time to tell me about it. Kryten: No plan sir. No sleeves. - Red Dwarf 'Inquisitor' Nyaa. It's the old back firing time gauntlet trick. - Lister in Red Dwarf 'Inquisitor' Kryten personal black box recording. Time unknown. Location unknown. Cause of accident unknown. Should someone find this, perhaps it will shed light as to what happened here. My short term memory has been erased. This I ascribe to the proximity of the coils of Starbug's main engine. Secondly, due to the proximity of the magnetic coils, my short-term memory appears to have been erased. This, combined with the erasure of my short term memory, has left me a little disoriented. - Kryten in Red Dwarf 'Terrorform' Lister: Help. Something is crawling up my leg. I think it's a tarantula. Cat: (You're playing that dumb adventure game!) Lister: It's in my boxers. I think it's making a nest. Cat: (Try buying a potion from Gandalf the master wizard -- that's what I usually do.) Lister: I'm SERIOUS. Cat: It has an eye the size of a meatball. Lister: Kill it. Cat: How? Lister: I can't think straight. I've got a tarantula with an eye the size of a meatball setting up home in my joy department. Help me. Cat: I'm scared. Lister: YOU'RE scared? How d'you think I feel? Cat: You haven't SEEN it! Lister: The lower half of my body has gone numb. Cat: That's probably for the best. Lister: It's moving. Oh *#%^**!!!! Hand: Hello. Kryten in danger. No time to explain. Follow. - Red Dwarf 'Terrorform' Sir -- a couple of brief points. Firstly, you're not a qualified service engineer, and consequently, sawing me in two will invalidate my guarantee. Secondly, I wouldn't trust you to open a sardine can that was already open. - Kryten in Red Dwarf 'Terrorform' Lister: Is it me, or are those frogs saying useless? Frogs: Useless, useless, Rimmer you're useless. Cat: Hey wow, you've got a giant blood sucking leech on your neck! And it's got a human face! Lister: It's Rimmer's mum! - Red Dwarf 'Terrorform' Cat: Don't fish swim south for the winter? Kryten: That's birds sir. Cat: Birds swim south for the winter?! How do they breathe? - Red Dwarf 'Back to Reality' Why would a haddock kill itself? Why am I even asking that question? - Lister, when they discover the suicides in Red Dwarf 'Back to Reality' Hang five, guys. I'm getting something. He committed suicide, he committed suicide, he committed suicide, the fish committed suicide. There is some kind of link here, but I can't quite put my finger on it. - Cat in Red Dwarf 'Back to Reality' Kryten: Listen, whoever you are, don't push your luck by ordering whoever I am around because almost certainly whoever I am, I'm not going to take any crap from whoever you are. So before you start ordering me around lets establish whether I am the type of guy who doesn't mind being ordered around or whether I get all up tight by being ordered about by whatever type of guy you are. CLEAR! [....] Kryten: Jake Bullet, Cybernetic Detective. I like the sound of that. That sounds like the kind of hard living flat foot who gets the job done by cutting corners and bucking authority, and if those pen pushers up at City Hall don't like it, well they can park their overpayed fat asses on this middle digit and swivel. Swivel until they squeal like pigs on a honeymoon. Rimmer: On the other hand 'Mr Bullet', perhaps the Cybernetics division is in charge of traffic control and you just happen to have a rather silly macho name. Kryten: Bullet. Cybernetics. Cop: That's traffic control. - Red Dwarf 'Back to Reality' Rimmer: Billy Doyle. Well that's a name that comes from the wrong side of the the tracks isn't it. You can see it all now. A youth spent in and out of corrective institutions, a string of illegitimate children. The wife will be all white shoes, no tights and blotchy legs. He has to take up petty crime to cover the court orders for the maintenance. Before he knows it he's standing in a bank with a sawn off shotgun. Somehow it goes off. An old lady gets both barrels through a crocheted bobbly hat. All he can do is hide. But where, and that it hits him. With all his ill-gotten gains he can buy 4 years in a computer game and wait until the heat is off. And so it ends, the Ballard of Billy 'Granny Killer' Doyle. Lister: (To Rimmer) It's yours. Rimmer: What?! Lister: It's yours -- Bill. Rimmer: No. Lister: Check the ugly mug on the ID then man. Rimmer: William Doyle. 'William Doyle'. Good old Bill Doyle. That sounds like a hell of a good name to me. Probably connected to the Boston Doyles. Old money, blue chip stock. You know I think it's all starting to come back to me now. Lister: What puzzles me slightly, is what a man of such undoubtedly good breeding is doing with a coat that smells like an elderly male Yak has taken a leak in both pockets. Rimmer: Well isn't it obvious. Kryten: No it isn't. Rimmer: OH MY GOD. My name is Billy Doyle and my cologne is Eau de Yak Urine. - Red Dwarf 'Back to Reality' This is a nightmare. I'm on the run from the fascist police with a murderer, a mass murderer and a man in a bri-nylon shirt. A piece of flotsam, jetsam human wreckage sputum bag who smells like a Yak latrine. And now my best flashing mac' is about to be splattered with an androids brain. I'm after you with the gun. - Rimmer in Red Dwarf 'Back to Reality' If you want something done properly, kill Baldrick before you start - Edmund Blackadder Microsoft failing at something is not a sterling proof of impossibility. Interrupt recieved from program - user terminated. Holly: I was in love once -- a Sinclair ZX-81. People said, "No, Holly, she's not for you." She was cheap, she was stupid and she wouldn't load -- well, not for me, anyway. Perl code: checksummed line-noise with a mission in life. - R.L. Schwartz $3,000,000 AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!! You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room! Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow. Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. The ABCs of Unix ---------------- A is for Awk, which runs like a snail, and B is for Biff, which reads all your mail. C is for CC, as hackers recall, while D is for DD, the command that does all. E is for Emacs, which rebinds your keys, and F is for Fsck, which rebuilds your trees. G is for Grep, a clever detective, while H is for Halt, which may seem defective. I is for Indent, which rarely amuses, and J is for Join, which nobody uses. K is for Kill, which makes you the boss, while L is for Lex, which is missing from DOS. M is for More, from which Less was begot, and N is for Nice, which it really is not. O is for Od, which prints out things nice, while P is for Passwd, which reads in strings twice. Q is for Quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and R is for Ranlib, for sorting ar [sic] table. S is for Spell, which attempts to belittle, while T is for True, which does very little. U is for Uniq, which is used after Sort, and V is for Vi, which is hard to abort. W is for Whoami, which tells you your name, while X is, well, X, of dubious fame. Y is for Yes, which makes an impression, and Z is for Zcat, which handles compression. - Duane Bailey and Al Hough You have an ability to sense and know higher truth. Above all things, reverence yourself. Above the hearth was a huge pokerwork sign saying "Mother". No tyrant in the whole history of the world had ever achieved a domination so complete. - Terry Pratchett, Wyrd Sisters Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clu Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1855, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. - A history student The Abrams' Principle: The shortest distance between two points is off the wall. Absence makes the heart go wander. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Absent, adj.: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered. Absentee, n.: A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove himself from the sphere of exaction. Abstain from beans. Abstainer, n.: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Abstenence makes the heart grow fonder. Abstract art, n.: A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered. Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it. Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught. De-accession euphemisms. Accident, n.: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better. - Foolish Dictionary Accidents cause History If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd. - Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" Am I accompanied by a PARENT or GUARDIAN? About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard. To accomplish something in this world, you must get firmly behind yourself and push. - Daniel W. Palmer According to my best recollection, I don't remember. - Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless. Accordion, n.: A bagpipe with pleats. Q. How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb? A. What kind of answer did you have in mind? Up your accumulator. All you have to do to see the accuracy of my thesis is look around you. Look, in particular, at the people who, like you, are making average incomes for doing average jobs - bank vice presidents, insurance salesman, auditors, secretaries of defense - and you'll realize they all dress the same way, essentially the way the mannequins in the Sears menswear department dress. Now look at the real successes, the people who make a lot more money than you - Elton John, Captain Kangaroo, anybody from Saudi Arabia, Big Bird, and so on. They all dress funny - and they all succeed. Are you catching on? - Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success" Accuracy, n.: The vice of being right. To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy, inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence: precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel, uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar, well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very secure ecological niche. - Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers" I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying. - Woody Allen Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality. Acid: better living through chemistry. Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him. Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing. He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor. Hell, they HAD to make him President of the United States. It's the only job he's qualified for! - Michael Cain Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had everyone glued in their seats!" Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!" Actor: So what do you do for a living? Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants. - Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" Actors will happen in the best-regulated families. "Actors," said Granny, witheringly. "As if the world weren't full of enough history without inventing more." - Terry Pratchett, Wyrd Sisters Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, and you would not have been informed. I actually interviewed a student whose name was Tyn Smith. His father had a sense of humor and named his daughter Silver Smith. Actually, what I'd like is a little toy spaceship! Adding manpower to a late software project only makes it later. NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY "Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a short-term removal basis only - please sign her out and return her promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of our "Big John" doll.) A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous. Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Adolescence, n.: The stage between puberty and adultery. Adopted kids are such a pain - you have to teach them how to look like you. - Gilda Radner Adore, v.: To venerate expectantly. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" For adult education nothing beats children. Adult, n.: One old enough to know better. Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps. Advance notice - your service will be cut off indefinitely at ten o'clock. You will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part. Advancement in position. It will be advantageous to cross the great stream. The Dragon is on the wing in the Sky. The Great Man rouses himself to his Work. The adverb always follows the verb. Advertisement, n.: The most truthful part of a newspaper. - Thomas Jefferson Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it. Mad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Kin, n.: An affliction of the blood. If you ask how much it is, you can't afford it. I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today. It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. - Woody Allen After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. After all is said and done, much is said and little is done. - Olmstead After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations. - H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. - P. J. O'Rourke After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found on the bench. After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created." "This is true," He replied. "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the right to make his laws?" "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make his own." It was so granted. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK? After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed. After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in? After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact that it sinks like a stone. - Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" This afternoon is favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change. Afternoon, n.: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning. Oh no! Not YOU again! Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!" - Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical? - Alan Perlis Aging is bad, but consider the alternative. - Anon If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking. - Lyndon Baines Johnson Ahah! The only way to get ahead is to become a head-hunter. Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu. Go ahead, bake my quiche - Magrat instructs the castle cook, Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies Ahhhhhhhh, I forgot what I was going to say. Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts. Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves. Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion. Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves. You will be aided greatly by a person whom you thought to be unimportant. Your aims are high, and you are capable of much. Airports: A place where people hurry up and wait. - From A Scientific Encyclopedia for the Enquiring Young Nome by Angalo de Haberdasheri, Terry Pratchett, Wings There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about. Alas, how love can trifle with itself! Alas, I am dying beyond my means. - Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." Most alchemists were nervous, in any case; it came from not knowing what the crucible of bubbling stuff they were experimenting with was going to do next. - Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures Are you still an ALCOHOLIC? Aleph sub alpha is the alpha'th aleph. Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, Aleph-null bottles of beer, You take one down, and pass it around, Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall. Be alert! The world needs lerts. Alex Haley was adopted! Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone. 1. Alexander the Great was a great general. 2. Great generals are forewarned. 3. Forewarned is forearmed. 4. Four is an even number. 5. Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. 6. The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. ALGOL is not a language. It's what happens when a programmable calculator throws up into a card stack. Great way to get the CPU hot enough to pop popcorn on. Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth. Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of them keeps paying for it. - Peggy Joyce Alliance, n.: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Allow me to be the first professional news commentator to point out that the Clinton administration has failed. Look at the evidence. Bill Clinton has been President for over two weeks now, and the national debt is still enormous, the world is still rife with oppression, famine and genocide and George Steinbrenner is still at large. The time has come to ask: What went wrong? How could failure have come so quickly to Bill Clinton, who started out with so much promise, so many ideas, such a large volume of hair? - Dave Barry, 6 Feb 1993 That's alls I can stands ands I cans't stands nuh more. C is almost a real language (see assembler). Even the name sounds like it's gone through an optimizing compiler. Get rid of all of those stupid brackets and we'll talk (see LISP). And I alone am returned to wag the tail. Alone, adj.: In bad company. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" We are not alone. We may be alone. We may not be alone. Either way, the thought is staggering. Along with the standard computer warranty agreement which said that if the machine 1) didn't work, 2) didn't do what the expensive advertisement said, 3) electrocuted the immediate neighbourhood, 4) and in fact failed entirely to be inside the expensive box when you opened it, this was expressly, absolutely, implicitly and in no event the fault or responsibility of the manufacturer, that the purchaser should consider himself lucky to be allowed to give his money to the manufacturer, and that any attempt to treat what had just been paid for as the purchaser's own property would result in the attentions of serious men with menacing briefcases and very thin watches. - Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? You may already be a wiener! Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job running the post office. - Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" AMAZING BUT TRUE If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. AMAZING BUT TRUE There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert. Ambidextrous, adj.: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. - Charlie McCarthy Ambition is the last refuge of the failure. You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself. Buy! Amdahl Stock to go up 100 points next week. America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. - John O'Hara America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its name to "America". - Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" America's best buy for a nickel is a telephone call to the right man. In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one of the risks he takes. - Adlai Stevenson Here we are in America. When do we collect unemployment? How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. We'll be lucky to escape with our skins! - "America?" said Mrs Liberty. "Won't we get scalped?" - "Good grief, no!" said William Stickers, who was a bit more up to date about the world. - "*Probably* not," said Mr Fletcher, who had been watching the news lately and was even more up to date than William Stickers. - Still looking for a good place to party, Terry Pratchett, Johnny and the Dead Q. How does an American change a light bulb? A. He doesn't. He throws the lamp away and buys a new one. An American is a man with two arms and four wheels. - A Chinese child An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but is always polite to traffic cops. We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it. - Dave Barry Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops. - Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. Q. How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb? A. Amish don't have light bulbs. They bake pies. Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it. Among economists, the real world is often a special case. But among the children of the Great Society there were those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat. Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my people go to the front of the bus." But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion - yea, verily, like unto a snowball in Hell." Among the lucky, you are the chosen one. No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail. The amount of work done varies inversely with the time spent in the office. The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement. It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color. - Voltaire Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a thing he tells you. Q. How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. All of them. The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it. - Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no government at all. Anchovies? You've got the wrong man! I spell my name DANGER! (click) And they're off! Anderson's Law: I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated. Angels we have heard on High, Tell us to go out and Buy. - Tom Leher If you get angry at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich or famous or both. Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be. Pig, n.: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Man, n.: An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to. - Mark Twain Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. - Plato For animals, the entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks. - Terry Pratchett, Equal Rites Ankh if you love Isis. Ankh-Morpork had dallied with many forms of government and had ended up with that form of democracy known as One Man, One Vote. The Patrician was the Man; he had the Vote. - Discworld politics explained, Terry Pratchett, Mort It is annoying to be honest to no purpose. Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" All in all it's just another brick in the wall. "Have another drink, not-Corporal Nobby?" said Sergeant Colon unsteadily. "I do not mind if I do, not-Sgt Colon," said Nobby. - The joys of working undercover, Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards! Another Glitch in the Call (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.) We don't need no indirection We don't need no flow control No data typing or declarations Did you leave the lists alone? Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone! Chorus: All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. When you dig another out of trouble, you've got a place to bury your own. Ah! - another soul on my wavelength. Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. - Swami X I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out." Answers to Last Fortune's Questions: 1. None. (Moses didn't have an ark). 2. Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. 3. I don't know. 4. Who cares? 5. 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. 6. There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of Papyrus Books). Antelope freeway - 1/4 mile. Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it; get a larger hammer. Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes. Antonym, n.: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is probably parked. Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. - Publilius Syrus Anyone can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. Can anyone remember when the times were not hard, and money not scarce? When anyone says `theoretically,' they really mean `not really.'" - David Parnas Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not make messes in the house. - Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. - Samuel Goldwyn Anyone who hates dogs and kids can't be all bad. - W. C. Fields Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. - The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Then anyone who leaves behind him a written manual, and likewise anyone who receives it, in the belief that such writing will be clear and certain, must be exceedingly simple-minded. - Plato, "Phaedrus" Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished? Yes, work never begun. Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough. If anything can go wrong, it will. - "What shall I do?" - "Well, if you see anything crawl out of the sea and try to breathe, you could try telling it not to bother." - Rincewind and Eric at the Beginning of Time, Terry Pratchett, Eric Anything free is worth what you pay for it. Anything is good if it's made of chocolate. Anything is possible, unless it's not. Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" means the price went way up. Never say anything more predictive than "Watch this!" Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to make it complex and wonderful. Anything worth doing is worth overdoing If you don't say anything, you won't be called upon to repeat it. Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something. Appearances often are deceiving. As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. - Insurance claim Aquadextrous, adj.: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. - Rich Hall, "Sniglets" AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid. The Archchancellor's most important job, as the Bursar saw it, was to sign things, preferably, from the Bursar's point of view, without reading them first. - Middle management explained, Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures Are we not men? Are we THERE yet? There aren't enough days in the weekend. Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference. Never argue with anyone who buys ink by the gallon. Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing. Arguments with furniture are rarely productive. - Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice. Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. - Mickey Mouse Armadillo, vt.: To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle. An armed society is a polite society. - Robert A. Heinlein The Army has carried the American ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability. - T Lehrer The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe. - Bill Murray An Army travels on her stomach. Arnold's Laws of Documentation: 1. If it should exist, it doesn't. 2. If it does exist, it's out of date. 3. Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws. You can't go around building a better world for people. Only people can build a better world for people. Otherwise it's just a cage. - Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. - Mark Twain I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper. Arthur C. Clarke's Law: It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value. Arthur's Laws of Love: 1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else. 2. The lover letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person. Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers that behave like the ones in movies. - Bill Bulko An artist should be fit for the best society and kept out of it. Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, If God won't have you, the devil must. You now have Asian Flu. Asked to comment on his acquittal after only 77 minutes by a Florida jury, William Kennedy Smith had this to say: "I'm not surprised. I always get off quickly." Asking someone to repeat a phrase you'd not only heard very clearly but were also exceedingly angry about was around Defcon II in the lexicon of squabble. - Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAQUIRI!! Bug, n.: An aspect of a computer program which exists because the PROGRAMMER was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when she wrote the program. Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed. - Ray Simard ASSEMBLER is a language. Any language that can take a half-dozen keystrokes and compile it down to one byte of code is all right in my books. Though for the REAL programmer, assembler is a waste of time. Why use a compiler when you can code directly into memory through a front panel. Assembler Programmers don't use REAL! I can assure you that no person would be better for the job. - Robert Thornton, economics professor, Lehigh University, Bethlehem, PA. Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your face. - National Lampoon, "Deteriorada" Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. God is an atheist. To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. - Woody Allen Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. - Winston Churchill An atom blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways. An atom in LISP and a list were dancing together a twist. But the list, getting ill bore hermaphrodite NIL, a monster, half atom, half list. The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive. He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself. - William S. Paley, chairman of CBS You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme stupidity. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. - Insurance claim Attention burning citizen! Please observe the "NO SMOKING" sign. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtains. Guy with attitude seeks girl to dump on. You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home. You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service. My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year. Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home! Auribus teneo lupum. (I hold a wolf by the ears.) Q. What is an Australian males idea of foreplay? A. Are you awake dear. You auto buy now. Q. How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? A. Six. One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs. Q. How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? A. Two. One to try to put in the wrong lamp, and one to replace the broken socket. Autocracy is based on the theorem that one man is smarter than many. Automobile, n.: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think. Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance. Also, avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Avoid colloquial stuff. Avoid commas, that are not necessary. Avoid designing your first programming language. Experience shows that the second and subsequent ones are better. - Chris "Kers" Dollin To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. - Insurance claim Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. - National Lampoon, "Deteriorada" Avoid reality at all costs. Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Avoid temporary variables. Avoid the Fortran arithmetic IF. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Avoid unnecessary branches. No one was avoiding him, it was just that an apparent random Brownian motion was gently moving everyone away. - Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone. You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, posthumously. When You're Away When you're away, I'm restless, lonely, Wretched, bored, dejected; only Here's the rub, my darling dear I feel the same when you are near. - Samuel Hoffenstein "You won't get away with this," said Cutwell. He thought for a bit and added, "Well, you will probably get away with it, but you'll feel bad about it on your deathbed and you'll wish -- ". He stopped talking. - Cutwell tries to reason with the Duke of Sto Helit, Terry Pratchett, Mort Awright, which one of you hid my PENIS ENVY? Ayie-ayie-ayie-ah-ah-ah-arph Pttphhhhhhh Azhural raised his staff. "It's fifteen hundred miles to Ankh-Morpork," he said. "We've got three hundred and sixty-three elephants, fifty carts of forage, the monsoon's about to break and we're wearing ... we're wearing ... sort of things, like glass, only dark ... dark glass things on our eyes ..." - Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures Baby ... - The Late Elvis Presley. A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other. Bacchus, n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. - A history student A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancee free. A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. - Don Quinn A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the pants. We'll be back to Nick Danger after this message. So you're back. Do bacteria ever order "genuine draft" bottled beer in a bar? Do bacteria ever think bowling is fun? Do bacteria spend countless hours watching football? Do bacteria ever join the Army to learn a useful skill? Oh my God!! I can just see it now. Bacteria Right Activists! Penicillin is unhealthy for bacteria and other living things! Microbe is your crobe! Join the Society for the Preservation of Infectious Diseases! Badness comes in waves. Bagdikian's Observation: Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukelele. Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors. Who is W O Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me? Being a BALD HERO is almost as FESTIVE as a TATTOOED KNOCKWURST. Men who are bald in front are great thinkers. Men who are bald in back are sexy. Men who are completely bald just think they're sexy. Bank error in your favor. Collect $200. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. - Mark Twain When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him - that's where the money is. - Robespierre If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers? Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal). Barach's Rule: An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician. At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can. Barbie says, Take quaaludes in gin and go to a disco right away! But Ken says, WOO-WOO!! No credit at "Mr. Liquor"!! Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Barth's Distinction: There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't. Baruch's Observation: If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but - here is the big difference - in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking lots. - Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" BASIC is not a language. It's a plot to sucker poor unsuspecting consumers into believing that they should buy a computer because ANYONE can learn how to program. BASIC is to computer programming as "qwerty" is to typing. Basic, n.: A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. Basically, there were two sides to the world. There was the entire computer games software industry engaged in a tremendous effort to stamp out piracy, and there was Wobbler. Currently, Wobbler was in front. - Terry Pratchett, Only You Can Save Mankind The basis of optimism is sheer terror. A bather whose clothing was strewed By breezes that left her quite nude, Saw a man come along And, unless I'm quite wrong, You expected this line to be lewd. "Baths is unhygienic," Granny declared. "You know I've never agreed with baths. Sittin' around in your own dirt like that." - Taking personal hygiene to new limits, Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad Beam me up, Scotty! There is a bear following you around. A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? I am not I, I'm a tree." But another, more sane, Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" And covered his pants leg with pee. Beautiful legs are sometimes without equal, but bow-legs are always without parallel. A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, "I will." A beautiful woman will enrich your life soon. Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life. Beauty seldom recommends one to another. It became apparent that one reason why the Ice Giants were known as the Ice Giants was because they were, well, giants. The other was that they were made of ice. - Terry Pratchett, Sourcery Beckhap's Law: Beauty times brains equals a constant. You will become rich and famous unless you don't. You're never too old to become younger. - Mae West No one becomes depraved in a moment. Bedfellows make strange politicians. You don't buy the beer in this pub - you just rent it! Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. - "You pay for it before you eat it? What happens if it's dreadful?" - "That's why." - Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures I never did it that way before. Om began to feel the acute depression that steals over every realist in the presence of an optimist. - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home. Beggars should be no choosers. Begin well, end badly; begin badly, end worse. In the Beginning It was a nice day. - Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens In the Beginning there was nothing, which exploded. - Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks." And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying, "It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now, the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide by its strength." And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the growth of the Laboratories." And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that it was Good! In my end is my beginning. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Behind every argument is someone's ignorance. Behind your back, your colleagues are talking about Jeckyl and Hyde. Behold the warranty, the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away. Beifeld's Principle: The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better looking and richer male friend. BELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot. If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. - James Thurber I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises. - Neil Armstrong Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. I believe I found the missing link between animal and civilized man. It is us. - Konrad Lorenz I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians don't believe in astrology. - James R. F. Quirk I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. - G. K. Chesterton Do not believe in miracles - rely on them. Well, I believe in solipsism but that's just one man's opinion. - Craig Neumeier, LHN I believe it's very hard to have fun in Iceland without fish being involved in some way. - Looking for a good place to party, Terry Pratchett, Johnny and the Dead If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you should join THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF An amalgamation of the Creation Science Research Foundation and the Flat Earth Society, The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all who do not allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs. In addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as correct Church dogma: - There is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which UFOs come. - Pi equals precisely 3.0. - Sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals. - Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared the circle. - Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job. - Pi equals precisely 22/7. Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being studied, including Reaganomics, AI, and that the moon landings were done in a Hollywood special effects studio. These will be the subject of a forthcoming Papal Bull. To join, send $39.95 and 10% of all future paychecks to: Duane Gish, CCB, San Diego, CA. I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was - an arctic wilderness. - Steve Martin Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what can you believe? - Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward] No-one would have believed, in the final years of the Century of the Fruitbat, that Discworld affairs were being watched keenly and impatiently by intelligences greater than Man's, or at least much nastier; that their affairs were being scrutinised and studied as a man with a three-day appetite might study the All-You-Can-Gobble-For-A-Dollar menu outside Harga's House of Ribs. - Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures He who believes the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs. Bell Labs Unix - Reach out and grep someone. Q. How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A. That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee. One Bell System - it sometimes works. One Bell System - it works. Ask not for whom the bell tolls, and you will pay only the station-to-station rate. I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. - Will Rogers Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence. - Time Bandits He: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. She: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains. - Walt Kelley The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. Besides the device, the box should contain: * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable. IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why." WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. - Dave Barry, "Read This First!" The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman. Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft, and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. - Wernher von Braun The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. - W. C. Fields The best defense against logic is ignorance. The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive. However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours by judging things by their price. My best friend ran away with my girlfriend. Gee, I miss him. Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral. - Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good. The best prophet of the future is the past. For best results, squeeze from the bottom of the tube. The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are drifting side by side to our common doom. - Clarence Darrow The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. The best things in life are free. The expensive part is paying for the dinner and movie that comes first. - Alfred E. Neuman The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away. better !pout !cry better watchout lpr why santa claus < north pole > town cat /etc/passwd > list ncheck list ncheck list cat list | grep naughty > nogiftlist cat list | grep nice > giftlist santa claus < north pole > town who | grep sleeping who | grep awake who | egrep 'bad|good' for (goodness sake) { be good } There is no better computer than your Archimedes! He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural. I like it better in the dark. Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows not victory or defeat. - Theodore Roosevelt Better late than never. Better living a beggar than buried an emperor. The better part of valor is discretion. Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door. Better to ask the way ten times, then to go astray once. It is better to be deceived by a friend, than to suspect him. It is better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love. It is better to be sometimes right than at all times to be wrong. It's better to burn out than it is to rust. It's better to burn out than to fade away. It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees. It is better to have loved and lost - much better. It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost. It is better to have men ask why you have no statue, than why you have one. It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark. Better to send ten ambulances when they are not needed than one when it is. Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment. It is better to wear out than to rust out. IBM: You can buy better, but you'll never pay more. Biz is better. Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. - Mae West Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie. Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose. Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes. Beware of Bigfoot! Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it. - Donald Knuth Beware of friends who are false and deceitful. Beware of Geeks bearing grifts. Beware of low-flying butterflies. Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. - Leonard Brandwein Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question. "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way." - Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle" Beware of the smile of a trade union leader and the promises of a politician. Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but nothing of interest is easy. Beware the legless man who teaches running. Beware the new TTY code! Beware the thirty-first of November. BIBLE BELT! Buy yours today. Only $19.95 with bonus holster. Bible not included. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph gave refuse to the Israelites. - A history student Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same. Bigamy is making the same mistake twice. The bigger the theory, the better. The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time. - Merrick Furst Biggest security gap - an open mouth. Bigmac's brother was reliably believed to be in the job of moving video recorders around in an informal way. - Terry Pratchett, Only You Can Save Mankind Q. Why does a bike when it spins? A. An orange because a vest has no sleeves. A billion here, a couple of billion there - first thing you know it adds up to be real money. - Everett McKinley Dirksen There are 70 billion people in the world, where are they hiding? Binary, adj.: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes. Bipedalism, n.: An unrecognised disease affecting over 99% of the population. Symptoms include lack of traffic sense, slow rate of travel, and the classic, easily recognized behavior known as walking. Bipolar, adj.: Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska and Buffalo, New York. A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him. A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. - Ambrose Bierce The bird is on the wing He says But thats absurd The wing is on the bird The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public. It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a foot or two under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of people shaking umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street. Birth, n.: The first and direst of all disasters. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" There were these two biscuits walking down the road, when the first says to the second, "What's the time?" The second replies with, "I'm not telling you, you stole my washing." Sic Biscuitus Disintegrat. - Adrian Ogden Bishops move diagonally. That's why they often turn up were the kings don't expect them to be. - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods Man who bites bread or eats peas with knife is lost creature. The two bits of protoplasm could remember when they were cell-mates. What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us is that they think themselves cleverer than we are. Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic Q. What is black and white and red all over? A. Two nuns in a chainsaw fight. Black holes are where God divides by zero. - Someone almost, but not entirely, unlike Douglas Adams Q. Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep? A. Fredricks of Ithaca, New York. Black music is in, Black culture is in, but Black *people* will never be in. - Kyle Baker, Why I Hate Saturn Blackberries are red when they are green. Blah. The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch. Bleakness, desolation, plastic forks ... Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth. Blessed are they that run around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels. When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff. BLISS is ignorance. BLISS is not a language. It's ritualistic typing exercises that result in error listings longer than your source code and about as useful. 99 blocks of crud on the disk, 99 blocks of crud! You patch a bug, and dump it again: 100 blocks of crud on the disk! 100 blocks of crud on the disk, 100 blocks of crud! You patch a bug, and dump it again: 101 blocks of crud on the disk! Blonde 1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked! Blonde 2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down! Q. A Blonde and a Brunet jumped off the C N Tower (The big thing in Toronto, Canada), which one hit the ground first? A. The Brunet. The blonde had to ask directions. Q. How do blonde braincells die? A. Alone. Q. Why did the blonde have a bruised belly button? A. Her boyfriend was a blonde too! Q. Why is a blonde like a beer bottle? A. They are both empty from the neck up. Q. What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? A. Her ankles. Q. What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear? A. "Thanks for the refill!" Q. Why did the blonde scale the glass wall? A. To see what was on the other side. Q. What do you say to a blonde that won't give in? A. "Have another beer." Q. How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? A. Shine a torch in her ear. Q. What's a blonde's favorite wine? A. "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!" Q. How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? A. "What's a lightbulb?" Q. How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? A. One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. Q. How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? A. Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi and one to call, "Daaady!" Q. Why don't blondes eat Jelly? A. They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages. Q. Why don't blondes eat pickles? A. Because they can't get their head in the jar. Q. Why do blondes have more fun? A. Because they don't know any better. Q. Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? A. Toes go in first. Q. Why do blondes wear green lipstick? A. Because red means stop. Q. Why do blondes wear hoop earings? A. So they have somewhere to rest their ankles. Q. Why do blondes wear underwear? A. They make good ankle warmers. It wasn't blood in general he couldn't stand the sight of, it was just his blood in particular that was so upsetting. - Terry Pratchett, Sourcery Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier. Q. What is blue and sits in a corner? A. A baby in a baggy! Q. What is green and sits in the corner? A. The same baby a week later! Why are there no blue M&M's? Bluegrass is not just a weed. Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept throwing up on them. Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion. Boling's postulate: If you're feeling good, don't worry, you'll get over it. Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress. Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare. Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Bonsai! - Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look. Q: How is a book by Alan Dean Foster like a (void) function? A: Neither returns anything of value. A book is a mirror: if an ass peers into it, you can't expect an apostle to look out. - Christopher Lichtenberg It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. Big book, big bore. All of the books in the world contain no more information than is broadcast as video in a single large American city in a single year. Not all bits have equal value. - Carl Sagan Boot-faced cats aren't born but made, often because they've tried to outstare or occasionally rape a speeding car and have been repaired by a vet who just pulled all the bits together and stuck the stitches in where there was room. - Terry Pratchett, The Unadulterated Cat A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours. Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work. Boren's Laws: 1. When in charge, ponder. 2. When in trouble, delegate. 3. When in doubt, mumble. We are the Borg, we have analysed your craft and it's party potential and find it to be a good party zone. You WILL be dined and danced. I was born by Caesarian section, but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window. Why was I born with such contemporaries? - Oscar Wilde Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back. My boss has a poster in his office that says, "I'm not bald, I'm just too tall for my hair." My boss says to me, "I'm upgrading my Sun 3/470 to an IBM PC 286." Why don't you get him something really powerful, like an Apple II? Ask your boss to reconsider - it's so difficult to take "Go to hell" for an answer. Boss, dictating to his secretary: "Sir, my secretary, being a lady, cannot take down what I think of you - I, being a gentleman, cannot even think it - but you, being neither, can easily guess my thoughts". Boss, n.: According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an ornamental stud." Boston, n.: Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for finishing second in the Irish jig competition. Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds. Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake? They both savoured the strange warm glow of being much more ignorant than ordinary people, who were only ignorant of ordinary things. - Discworld scientists at work, Terry Pratchett, Equal Rites Don't bother me, I'm in the middle of a Sexual Fantasy. "Why bother with such a big stone arch?" "It's just showing off. There's probably a sticker on the back saying 'My Other Grave Is A Porch'". - Terry Pratchett, Johnny and the dead Go 'way! You're bothering me! Botswana is also the only country in the world with a colour in its flag meant to represent rain (a sort of blue-grey). Not many people know this. - Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett and then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half, and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps. I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep. The record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish. I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it. To me, boxing is like ballet except that there's no music or choreography, and the dancers hit each other. Boys, you have ALL been selected to LEAVE th' PLANET in 15 minutes!! The Bozos are coming. Bradley's Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can orgranize them into a committee - that will do them in. Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?" Brain fried - Core dumped My brain hurts! Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth. The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school. The brain works from the moment of birth until you stand up to speak in public. Brain, n.: The apparatus with which we think that we think. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]: To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of error in an opponent. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" If brains were dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose. If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous. I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see "Bambi", the Disney re-release that is proving to be a hit once again in the box office. I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon relief from the Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As a psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be more effective. For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable sense of security and comfort. Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to be great conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd thunderstorm. You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover the meadow, generally mellow out. Then, without any particular warning, your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the apparent intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III. - Townsend Davis Be braver. You cannot cross a chasm in two small jumps. If your bread is stale, make toast. You can't win, you can't break even, and you can't even get out of the game. Breakfast sometime? Sure. Shall I call you, or just nudge you? Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind. - Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" Bride, n.: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Sex is like a bridge game - if you have a good hand no partner is needed. The Briggs-Chase Law of Program Development: To determine how long it will take to write and debug a program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and convert to the next higher units. Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave, Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex, Et le m^omerade horgrave. Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben. Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. - A history student The sun never set on the British Empire. That's because sunset requires sunshine. Ever lived in Bristol? - Weaver Tigris The British held off building computers until they figured out how to make one that leaks oil. The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 BC. They further believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth. - Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" British motorcycle owners swear by their bikes. It's not Brits who think American readers are a bunch of whinging morons with the geo-social understanding of a wire coathanger, it's *American* editors. - Setting the record straight. Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett Broad-mindedness, n.: The result of flattening high-mindedness out. I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds. You with the broken nose, play the piano. But I haven't got a broken nose! - SMACK - Play the piano. If it isn't broken, don't fix it. Here I sit, broken-hearted, All logged in, but work unstarted. First net.this and net.that, And a hot buttered bun for net.fat. The boss comes by, and I play the game, Then I turn back to net.flame. Is there a cure (I need your views), For someone trapped in net.news? I need your help, I say 'tween sobs, 'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs. Brook's Law: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. Brooke's Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. If broomsticks were cars, this one would be a split-window Morris Minor. - Terry Pratchett, Equal Rites Brother Preptil, the master of the music, had described Brutha's voice as putting him in mind of a disappointed vulture arriving too late at the dead donkey. - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. He goes around with his head stuck up his ass. What's all this brouhaha? Who was Bruce Clarke? A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?" Brutha tried to nod, and thought: I'm on everyone's side. It'd be nice if, just for once, someone was on mine. - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods Bubble Memory, n.: A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's intelligence. See also "vacuum tube". Bucy's Law: Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. Buddhist to hot dog vendor: "Make me one with everything." Q. How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb? A. Two. One to change the light bulb, and one to not change the light bulb. A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward. Buffalo is not just the name of an animal. "Yes, bugger all that." said Nanny. "Let's curse somebody." - Even Nanny Ogg gets upset occasionally, Terry Pratchett, Wyrd Sisters "Bugger!" said Piglet. Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes - and with the brassiere, Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was the new bait. The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about cheese, except mice. But when American Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in the country was hopelessy trapped. - Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long. - Boris Yeltsin God built a compeling sex drive into every creature, no matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly preasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent merriment. Needelss to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals - lions and lambs, rhinoceroses and bazelles, skylarks and lobsteres, even insects, though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime - fucked along innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one. - Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit." GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?" BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive." - Jay Ward The bumbling, stammering student finally uttered, "Why do donkies float in wooden cabinets? Eaheaheah!" Bumper sticker: All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British manufacture. A bunch of people had to paint a church but they found that instead of the necessary ten gallons of paint, there was only five gallons. However, somebody found five gallons of paint thinner, and so they mixed the paint up with the paint thinner and painted the church that way. The next Sunday in church they heard a voice say, "Repaint, ye thinners!" You are a bundle of energy always on the go. I have "Bungee Fever" and there is only one cure ... BOING. Bureaucrat, n.: A politician who has tenure. Bureaucratic organization is like a septic tank: the big chunks rise to the top. Q. How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. We contract out for things like that. Q. How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb? A. One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor to authorize a requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file the requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition to the purchasing department, a purchasing agent to order the bulb, a clerk to forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order a receiving clerk to receive the bulb ... I'll burn my books. It is the business of little minds to shrink. - Carl Sandburg It is the business of the future to be dangerous. - Hawkwind Your business will assume vast proportions. Business will be either better or worse. - Calvin Coolidge Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion. I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. You are always busy. If you put butter and salt on it, it tastes like salty butter. - Popcorn comes to the Discworld, Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures The butterfly just flutters by, It flits from flower to flower. T'is in this way from day to day It spends each passing hour. A man with 3 buttocks. Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn; Less dear than army ants in apple pies Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn, Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit; Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose They suck, and like the double-breasted suit Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose, Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed; And stem the produce of thy waspish wits: Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed; Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits. Be off, I say; go bug somebody new, Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you. They just buzzed and buzzed ... buzzed. Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B that so many people from point B are so keen to get there. They often wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell they wanted to be. - Douglas Adams "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" Even a cabbage may look at a king. Cabbage, n.: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" "Our cable TV is having interference right now, is yours?" "Not as far as I know, what channel are you watching?" "We're not watching a channel. We're playing a tape." Caesar adsum iam forte, Brutus aderat; Caesar sic in omnibus, Brutus sic inat. You can cage a swallow, can't you, but you can't swallow a cage, can you? Cahn's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions. California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. - Fred Allen California: From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English 'calorie' or Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual intercourse" or "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." - Ed Moran, Covina, California Californians are not without their faults. Q. How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? A. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience. Q. How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Californians don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in hot tubs. Q. What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A. A wind tunnel. Q. What do you call a blonde that has dyed her hair brown? A. Artifical Intelligence. Q. What do you call a brunette between two blondes? A. A translator. Never call a man a fool; borrow from him. Q. What do you call a woman with 90% of her intelligence gone? A. Divorced They don't call me long distance for nothing. - David Gross Call on God, but row away from the rocks. - Indian proverb We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid. - "What is it that a man may call the greatest things in life?" - "Hot water, good dentishtry and shoft lavatory paper." - Cohen the Barbarian in conversation with Discworld nomads, Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it. - C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia "Why's it called Ming?" said the Archchancellor, on cue. The Bursar tapped the pot. It went *ming*. - Discworld archeology revealed, Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures - "'S called the Vieux River." - "Yes?" - "Know what that means?" - "No." - "The Old (Masculine) River," said Nanny. - "Yes?" - "Words have sex in foreign parts," said Nanny hopefully. - Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad You'll be called to a post requiring high ability in handling groups of people. You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble. Many are called, few are chosen. Fewer still get to do the choosing. Many are called, few volunteer. Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missle sighted, target Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept. Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle. - Alice Roosevelt Longworth Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont. - Clarence Darrow I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother. I came; I saw; I fucked up It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either. - Kevin White, mayor of Boston Canada Bill Jone's Motto: It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. Supplement: A .44 magnum beats four aces. Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage. - Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 31-Dec-1983 Financial Post Cancel me not - for what then shall remain? Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, A root or two, a torus and a node: The inverse of my verse, a null domain. - Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" CANCER (June 21 - July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancer people. A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other. Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns? A. They taste funny. You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions. - Lillian Hellman You cannot antagonize and influence at the same time. There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. - Henry Kissinger If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell. If you cannot convince them, confuse them. - Harry S Truman You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once. You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar. What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II." - Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar" You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. I for one cannot protest the recent M T A fare hike and the accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that can't be measured in monetary terms. Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly understand his long delay. "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frodo in a quavering voice. "No," Said Gandalf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in Elven-lore: "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves, Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves. Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop, This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop. The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring. The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing. If broken or busted, it cannot be remade. If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)." Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly. - Robert Thornton, economics professor, Lehigh University, Bethlehem, PA. You cannot see farther than others by standing on the feet of giants. You cannot see the wood for the trees. You cannot succeed by criticizing others. You cannot use your friends and have them too. Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, HACK! You are capable of planning your future. You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You will learn a lot today. CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as they take root and become trees. Captain Penny's Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. Captain Picard tensed as the Borg ship approached, they would have only one chance at this. Tensing he cried out "Fire at will!". Instantly Worf's hand leapt to his phaser and he beamed Wesley out of existance. - Star Trek: The Way it Should Be. Part IV Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5. But Captain, the engines can't take this much longer! You're a card which will have to be dealt with. Always cut the cards. If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the nominating. - Boss Tweed We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company. Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. - Mark Twain Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom. Be careful! Is it classified? Be careful, the last person using this keyboard had a terminal disease. Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes. Who cares anyway? Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process! Carperpetuation, n.: The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. - Rich Hall, "Sniglets" Uh uh, I'm carrying: tea no tea pocket fluff satchel fluff seat fluff jacket fluff The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used. Q. Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love? A. Because all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up. As for Carter being for registration but against the draft, isn't that sort of being like for putting it in and not taking it out? Even if it was possible not to follow through, you'd still be getting screwed. You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks. In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools will be temporarily canceled. In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and make it better. The die is cast. Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right. - Terry Pratchett, The Unadulterated Cat Catsup and Mustard all over the place! It's the Human Hamburger! If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a College Education. - Mark Twain One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the war, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. - A history student Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health. Be cautious in your daily affairs. CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. Celibacy is hereditary. Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many? Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. Jaka: Look, Cerebus - Jaka has to tell you something Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy out of it? Jaka: Ugh! Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy? - Cerebus No. 6, "The Secret" Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny- did you ever try buying then without money? - Ogden Nash Chain-mail isn't much defence against an arrow. It certainly isn't when the arrow is being aimed between your eyes. - Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. Chances are if your parents didn't have children then you won't either! You can't change the laws of physics Captain; I've got to have thirty minutes. If you do not change your direction, you may end where you are headed. Change your thoughts and you change your world. There will be big changes for you but you will be happy. Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long. I am changing my name to Crysler I am going down to Washington, D.C. I will tell some power broker What they did for Iacocca Will be perfectly acceptable to me! I am changing my name to Chrysler, I am heading for that great receiving line. When they hand a million grand out, I'll be standing with my hand out, Yessir, I'll get mine! Character Density: the number of very weird people in the office. Charity begins at home. In charity there is no excess. Charity, n.: A thing that begins at home and usually stays there. Charm is a way of getting a "yes" without having asked any clear question. Chaste makes waste. We're all over it, like a cheap suit. Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap. You can't cheat the phone company. Check again to make sure it's not loaded. Be cheerful while you are alive. You can't even cut the cheese. Chemicals, n.: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. You say that now, but try chewing a child the next time you're car sick. TV is chewing gum for the eyes. - Frank Lloyd Wright Chicago, n.: Where the dead still vote - early and often! Chicken Little was right. Chicken Soup: An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother. - Arthur Naiman The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up at the steam fitters picnic. The chief cause of problems is solutions. The chieftain had been turned into a pumpkin although, in accordance with the rules of universal humour, he still had his hat on. - Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies And the child had a permanently runny nose and ought to be provided with a handkerchief or, failing that, a cork. - Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to watch him have another. Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners. Children aren't happy without something to ignore, And that's what parents were created for. - Ogden Nash Children have more need of models than of critics. Our children know EVERYTHING, we have cable. - Ms. Penbroke, C 'n C Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. Top Ten Children's Books NOT Recommended by the National Library Association 10. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence. 9. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables. 8. Legends of Scab Football. 7. Teddy: The Elf with a Detached Retina. 6. Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer. 5. Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales but Can't Remember the Endings to All of Them. 4. Ed Beckley's Start a Real Estate Empire with Change from Mom's Purse. 3. Things Rich Kids Have That You Never Will. 2. Let's Draw Betty and Veronica with Their Clothes Off. 1. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead. Q. How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to change a light bulb? A. 100,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution. Chinese saying: He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks. Chism's Law of Completion: The amount of time required to complete a government project is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. Chisolm's Third Law, Corollary 1: If you explain so clearly that no one can misunderstand, somebody will. Choose variable names that won't be confused. Christ: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time. Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. Q. How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? A. Three, but they're really only one. What with chromodynamics and electroweak too Our Standardized Model should please even you, Tho once you did say that of charm there was none It took courage to switch as to say Earth moves not Sun. Yet your state of the union penultimate large Is the last known haunt of the Fractional Charge, And as you surf in the hot tub with sourdough roll Please ponder the passing of your sole Monopole. Your Olympics were fun, you should bring them all back For transsexual tennis or Anamalon Track, But Hollywood movies remain sinfully crude Whether seen on the telly or Remotely Viewed. Now fasten your sunbelts, for you've done it once more, You said it in Leipzig of the thing we adore, That you've built an incredible crystalline sphere Whose German attendants spread trembling and fear Of the death of our theory by Particle Zeta Which I'll bet is not there say your article, later. - Sheldon Glashow, Physics Today, Dec. 1984 CHUBBY CHECKER just had a CHICKEN SANDWICH in downtown DULUTH! A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie. Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. Cigarette, n.: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between. Cinemuck, n.: The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theaters. - Rich Hall, "Sniglets" Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate and captain of your soul. Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances. Q. How many circus performers does it take to change a light bulb? A. Four. One to change the bulb and three to go, "Ta da!" A city is a large community where people are lonesome together - Herbert Prochnow Civilization is fun! Anyway, it keeps me busy!! In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity. A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. - Mark Twain Classified material requires proper storage. Cleanliness is next to impossible. On a clear disk you can seek forever. You're all clear now, kid. Now blow this thing so we can all go home. Clear the laundromat!! This whirl-o-matic just had a nuclear meltdown!! Cleveland still lives. God MUST be dead. Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day. - "Very clever idea, though." - "What is?" - "Asking the questions when people arrive. If anyone was coming here to do some subversive overthrowing, everyone'd be down on him like a pound of bricks as soon as he answered 'Yes'." - "It's a sneaky trick, isn't it," said Angalo, in an admiring tone of voice. - The nomes encounter American customs regulations, Terry Pratchett, Wings Too clever is dumb. - Ogden Nash If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. - Benjamin Disraeli It's clever, but is it art? Climate is what you expect. Weather is what you get. The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere." To climb the ladder of success you must get through the crowd at the bottom. Climbing a mountain in silence helps to give ascent. It's six o'clock and time for the penguin on top of your terminal to explode. Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. - Charles McCabe Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses. CLONE OF MY OWN (To the tune of Home on the Range.) Oh, give me a clone Of my own flesh and bone With the Y chromosome changed to X. And when she is grown, My very own clone, We'll be of the opposite sex. Clone, clone of my own, With the Y chromosome changed to X. And when we're alone, Since her mind is my own, She'll be thinking of nothing but sex. - Randall Garrett We are not a clone. Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. "You get more air close to the ground," said Angalo. "I read that in a book. You get lots of air low down, and not much when you go up." "Why not?" said Gurder. "Dunno. It's frightened of heights, I guess." - The nomes discuss science, Terry Pratchett, Wings A closed mouth gathers no foot. The closer to the truth, the better the lie, and the truth itself, when it can be used, is the best lie. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. - Mark Twain With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best. Every cloud engenders not a storm. f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. The coast was clear. The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense. - E. W. Dijkstra COBOL is not a language. Any code that sounds like a textbook for accounting 101 read by a pro wrestler is not written in a real language. It's also a plot to make secretaries believe that they know how to program. COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods. Cocaine - the thinking man's Dristan. And these cocnuts where given to me by three cardinals, 'cause I love galloping! Clickety-click! Trottety-trot! Clickety-click! Trottety-trot! I am Ethel the aardvark! If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. - Norm Schryer Your code should be more efficient! Coffee in England is just toasted milk. Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum - I think that I think, therefore I think that I am. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Cogito Ergo Sum, Cogito. Cognito, ergo sum - I think therefore I think I think therefore I think I think I think ... Cognito, ergo sum - I think; therefore my hardware permits me to be. Coito ergo sum. Cold, adj.: When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions. Cold, adj.: When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own pockets. Many are cold, but few are frozen. Mr. Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing. Cole's law: Thinly sliced cabbage. Cole's law: Thinly sliced cabbage. Collaboration, n.: A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the other fellow can spell. College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the loss to humanity. - H. L. Mencken This must be what it's like to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE!! College is like a woman - you work so hard to get in, and nine months later you wish you'd never come. If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor. - Ralph Waldo Emerson I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. - Insurance claim I want a COLOR TV and a VIBRATING BED!!! Colourless green ideas sleep furiously. Colvard's Logical Premises: All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't. Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to. Grelb's Commentary: Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. I've come for an argument! How come he didn't put `I think' at the end of it? - James P. Hogan How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers? You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to get back inside. - Heathcote Williams How come we never talk anymore? How come wrong numbers are never busy? Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, And every vector dreams of matrices. Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: It whispers of a more ergodic zone. - Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, Their indices bedecked from one to n, Commingled in an endless Markov chain! Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason. God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. - Insurance claim How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to? When you're in command, command. Command, n.: Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control. COMMENT Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, A medley of extemporanea; And love is thing that can never go wrong; And I am Marie of Roumania. - Dorothy Parker Don't comment bad code - rewrite it. Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways. Commitment, n.: Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency? A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets. All they found was a pile of dust. A committee is a group of the unwilling chosen from the unfit to do the unnecessary. Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. - Albert Einstein Communication is possible only between equals. Law of Communications: The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding. Communists do it without class. A company is known by the men it keeps. Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality. Competence always contains the seeds of incompetence. I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. - Joe Walsh Let's just say that if complete and utter chaos was lightning, he'd be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting 'All gods are bastards'. - Rincewind discussing Twoflower, Terry Pratchett, The Colour of Magic Which is not a complete sentence, but merely a subordinate clause. For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong. - H. L. Mencken Das computenmachine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen, und poppencorken mit spittzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pokets, relaxen und watch das blinkenlights. I am a computer - As such I never have or will make a mistake or error (I thought I did once, but I was wrong). Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize. I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my sister. Q. How many computer geeks does it take to change a light bulb? A. "What, you mean it's dark in here?" The computer is the ultimate polluter: Its shit is indistinguishable from the food it produces. Computer nerds are people who know 256 different ways to have sex but don't know any women to try them on. - John Payson, Class of '93, Beloit College A computer program - Instructions which, being taught, return to plague the inventor. Computer programmers do it byte by byte. A Law of Computer Programming: Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you will find the programmers cannot write in English. Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems theory. Computer Science, much like astronomy, is done mostly at night. - Dr. Frederick P. Brooks This computer system reserves the right to modify any program you save in anyway it feels fit. This computer will self-destruct in five minutes. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. A computer, to print out a fact, Will divide, multiply, and subtract. But this output can be No more than debris, If the input was short of exact. - Gigo I am a computer. I am dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator. Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy. - Joseph Campbell Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad. The computing field is always in need of new cliches. - Alan Perlis 43rd Law of Computing: Anything that can go wr fortune: Segmentation violation - Core dumped Conceit causes more conversation than wit. - LaRouchefoucauld Concentrate on security. Concentrate on th'cute, li'l CARTOON GUYS! Remember the SERIAL NUMBERS!! Follow the WHIPPLE AVE. EXIT!! Have a FREE PEPSI!! Turn LEFT at the HOLIDAY INN!! JOIN the CREDIT WORLD!! MAKE me an OFFER!!! Concept, n.: Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than $25,000. It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire. A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. Concorde: It goes twice as fast as a bullet and you get smoked salmon. - A Scientific Encyclopedia for the Enquiring Young Nome by Angalo de Haberdasheri, Terry Pratchett, Wings Condense soup, not books! I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today." Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus. - Bob Rubin Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is good for dandruff. - Peter de Vries Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. - Walt Kelly, "Pogo" Confucious say "Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time." Confucius say too much. - Recent Chinese Proverb Confucius say: A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability. Confucius say: Man who fart in church sit in own pew. Confucius say: Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor. Confucius say: Man who run behind car get exhausted. You are confused; but this is your normal state. Confusion is always increasing in society. Confusticate and bebother these dwarves! CONGRATULATIONS! Now should I make thinly veiled comments about DIGNITY, self-esteem and finding TRUE FUN in your RIGHT VENTRICLE? Congratulations! The pressure will stop soon. Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system. Congratulations! You have now used up another 250 hours of CPU time. Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to please FOR GOD'S SAKE read this owner's manual CAREFULLY before you unpack the device. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, didn't you? You unpacked it and plugged it in and turned it on and fiddled with the knobs, and now your CHILD, the same child who once shoved a POLISH SAUSAGE into your VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER and set it on "FAST FORWARD", this child also is fiddling with the knobs, RIGHT? And you're just now starting to READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, right? We might as well just break these devices right at the factory before we ship them out, you know that? - Dave Barry, "Read This First!" The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I hope I don't get run over again. You are connected t&%&ibp*l an error free line. A CONS is an object which cares. - Bernie Greenberg. Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking. - H. L. Mencken Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you from enjoying it. When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk. When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned. The consensus seemed to be that if really large numbers of men were sent to storm the mountain, then enough might survive the rocks to take the citadel. This is essentially the basis of all military thinking. - Terry Pratchett, Eric A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time. - Alfred E. Wiggam A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. - Franklin D. Roosevelt A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. Conservative: One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead. - Leo C. Rosten Conserve energy - kill yourself! Consider the situation. There you are, forehead like a set of balconies, worrying about the long-term effects of all this new 'fire' stuff on the environment, you're being chased and eaten by most of the planet's large animals, and suddenly tiny versions of one of the worst of them wanders into the cave and starts to purr. - Why humans like cats, Terry Pratchett, The Unadulterated Cat Consider your reputation. Try changing your name and moving to a new town. He is considered the most graceful speaker who can say nothing in most words. Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative. The two constant Laws of the Frisbee: 1. The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this force is technically termed "car suck"). 2. Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive than "Watch this!" This car is constipated - it hasn't passed a thing for weeks. Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then give it back to them. Q. How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A. I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday. Q. How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A. Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project. I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. Continental Life. Why do you ask? If you continually give you will continually have. Don't use contractions in formal writing. "Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" - Lewis Carroll If not controlled, work flows to the competent person until he is submerged. He who controls the information runs the show. Convention is the ruler of all. Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the school of genius. Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener. Conway's Law: In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired. Don't cook tonight - starve a rat today! If it wasn't so cool out today, it would be warmer. Q. How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. None. It turned itself in. Core Dumped Blues Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail, And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail; I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues, I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core dumped blues. If you think that it's nice that you get what you C, Then go : illogical statement with your whole family, 'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views. I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core dumped blues. On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze, But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze. Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse, I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core dumped blues. Coronation, n.: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of US Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?" - Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is none of my business but -" is to place a period after the word "but." Don't use excessive force in supplying such moron with a period. Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about. - Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" Corrupt, adj.: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. Corruption is not the number one priority of the Police Commissioner. His job is to enforce the law and fight crime. - PBA President, E. J. Kiernan The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down. How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton? - Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father. You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt. - Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less. Do not count your chickens before they are hatched. Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. - J. Paul Getty Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal if you are all thumbs. Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal if you don't use your thumbs. Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them. What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five cent bagel. What this country needs is a good 5 dollar plasma weapon. What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING! What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer. What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel. My Country right or wrong' is like saying 'My Mother drunk or sober. - G. K. Chesterton There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double-digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 8-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the first electrical digital computer, and the first communications satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the telephone business? This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys. A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. - Ben Franklin Q. How many coup leaders does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Eight. One to hold the light bulb, and seven to screw the country around it. Q. How many coup leaders does it take to screw in a light bulb? A2: None. They are all home with the flu. There once was a couple named Kelley, Who lived their life belly to belly. Because in their haste They used Library Paste, Instead of Petroleum Jelly. Courage is grace under pressure. Courage is your greatest present need. For courage mounteth with occasion. Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a fake? There have, in the course of decadent history, been many large wigs, often with build-in gewgaws to stop people having to look at boring hair all the time. There had been ones big enough to contain pet mice or clockwork ornaments. Mme Cupidor, mistress of Mad King Soup II, had one with a bird cage in it, but on special state occasions wore one containing a perpetual calendar, a floral clock and a take-away linguini shop. - Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy. Of course, it is very important to be sober when you take an exam. Many worthwhile careers in the street-cleansing, fruit-picking and subway-guitar-playing industries have been founded on a lack of understanding of this simple fact. - Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures Well, of course, we 'ad it tough! We used to have to get up out of shoebox at twelve o'clock at night, and lick road clean with tongue. We 'ad two bits of cold gravel, and worked twenty-four hour day at mill for seventy-four years, and when we got home, our dad would slash us with bread knife. Coward, n.: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Q. Why do cowgirls walk bowlegged? A. Because cowboys always eat with their hats on. Why is it that the coyote can afford all that expensive ACME equipment but he can't afford to go out to eat? Eat crackers just once in the kelp-bed and the phytoplankton get uppity. Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. - Wernher von Braun Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!! Q. Why did God create blondes? A. Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge. Create the impression that you have already reached your level of incompetence. God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter. Create your own opportunity. Blackmail a senior executive. All men are created unequal. I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from man. Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. - R. Clopton Creditors have much better memories than debtors. I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no socks. Crime does not pay ... as well as politics. - A. E. Newman Why is it a crime for a train to be late but acceptable when a plane is off schedule. In a crisis, you will choose the worst possible course of action. Critic, n.: A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship. To criticize the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult to criticize the competent. Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt? Q. What did the one crocodile say to the other crocodile? A. What's with the long face? I am not a crook. - Richard Nixon Q. What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an agnostic, and an insomniac? A. Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog. Q. What do you get if you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito? A. You can't. The mosquito is a vector, but the mountain climber is a scaler. We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later. When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" Crowley had been extremely impressed with the warranties offered by the computer industry, and had in fact sent a bundle Below to the department that drew up the Immortal Soul agreements, with a yellow memo form attached just saying: "Learn, guys." - Crowley is a demon, in case you don't know, Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens Crowley was in Hell's bad books. Not that Hell has any other kind. - Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens The Crown is full of it! - Nate Harris, 1775 A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison, And had an affair with a Saracen. She was not oversexed, Or jealous or vexed, She just wanted to make a comparison. Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers. New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt. Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why. Cunnilingus is next to godliness. Cure the disease and kill the patient. Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back. Due to the current economic situation the management have decided that the light at the end of the tunnel will be switched off until further notice. Cynic, n.: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Cynic, n.: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye. Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead. It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. - Andrew Jackson In LA dance hall: good clean dancing every night but Sunday. There is danger in delaying, good fortune in acting. "I daresay," said Granny, pushing the Fool aside and stepping over a writhing taproot. "If anyone locked *me* in a dungeon, there'd be screams." - Terry Pratchett, Wyrd Sisters It wasn't a dark and stormy night. It should have been, but there's the weather for you. For every mad scientist who's had a convenient thunderstorm just on the night his Great Work is complete and lying on the slab, there have been dozens who've sat around aimlessly under the peaceful stars while Igor clocks up the overtime. - Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES! These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY! These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP out of MEGATON MAN! Darth Vadar! Only you would be so bold. Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. Q. How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? A. Three. One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time. Who was Dave Cardinal? Dawn, n.: The time when men of reason go to bed. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book. These are the days of miracle and wonder. In the days of old, When Knights were bold, And women were too cautious; Oh, those gallant days, When women were women, And men were really obnoxious. Oh don't the days seem lank and long When all goes right and none goes wrong, And isn't your life extremely flat With nothing whatever to grumble at! These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink. Man 1: Aye, in them days we was glad to have the price of a cup of tea! Man 2: Aye, a cup of cold tea! Man 3: Without milk or sugar! Man 4: Or tea! Man 1: Oh, we never had a cup. We used to have to drink out of a rolled-up newspaper! Man 2: Aye, the best we could manage in those days was to suck on a piece of damp cloth! God is Dead - Nietzsche Nietzsche is Dead - God Nietzsche is God - Dead God is not dead - he's been busted. One day I'll be dead and THEN you'll all be sorry. - Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett A dead man cannot bite. There was a dead man lying in the corn field with milk on him and a banana shoved up his bottom. People were told that it was the work of a cereal killer. God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's. God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. God isn't dead, he's just trying to avoid the draft. MS-DOS isn't dead, it just smells that way. - Henry Spencer He's dead, Jim. "You're dead," he said. Keli waited. She couldn't think of any suitable reply. "I'm not" lacked a certain style, while "Is it serious?" seemed somehow too frivolous. - Princess Keli in trouble, Terry Pratchett, Mort Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything. Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success is also easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve. Dear Lord, observe this bended knee This visage meek and humble, And hear this confidential plea Voiced in reverent mumble: Give me Shylock, give me Fagin But O God spare me Ronald Reagan! - Ansel Adams Dear Lord: I just want *one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On the other hand", again. My own dear love, he is strong and bold And he cares not what comes after. His words ring sweet as a chime of gold, And his eyes are lit with laughter. He is jubilant as a flag unfurled - Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him. My own dear love, he is all my world - And I wish I'd never met him. - Dorothy Parker Dear Miss Manners, My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between courses, is all right. Which is correct? Gentle Reader, For the purpose of answering examinations in your home economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is. Dear Miss Manners, Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face. Gentle Reader, Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on your face. Oh dear, first the magic went out of my marriage, now it's gone out of my Volvo. Never underestimate the destructive power of a woman. Oh, dear, where can the matter be When it's converted to energy? There is a slight loss of parity. Johnny's so long at the fair. Death and Famine and War and Pollution continued biking towards Tadfield. And Grievous Bodily Harm, Cruelty To Animals, Things Not Working Properly Even After You've Given Them A Good Thumping but secretly No Alcohol Lager, and Really Cool People travelled with them. - The eight Bikers of the Apocalypse, Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats. Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. - R. Geis Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings. Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. Death: to stop sinning suddenly. The debate rages on: is PL/1 a Bachtrian or Dromedary? Use debugging compilers. Some of you may have decided that, this year, you're going to celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on "The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money and go to a mall. - Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" The decision doesn't have to be logical, it was unanimous. Decisionmaker, n.: The person in your office who was unable to form a task force before the music stopped. Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang). - Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc. Decisions terminate panic. Deck Us All With Boston Charlie Deck us all with Boston Charlie, Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! Nora's freezin' on the trolley, Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo! Don't we know archaic barrel, Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou. Trolley Molly don't love Harold, Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo! - Walt Kelly You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music. You have a deep interest in all that is artistic. We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right in his bowl full of jelly. - Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" "Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" - it implies all sorts of marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed. - Randy Davis You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances. We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved. In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable. - Winston Curchill, of Montgomery I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did. Deflector shields just came on, Captain. Go on, do Deformed Rabbit... it's my favourite. - Shadow puppets are so cute, Terry Pratchett, Small Gods Don't do, delegate - delegation is the mark of a good manager. Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. - A history student DELETE A FORTUNE! Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to "fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it gets expunged. To be or nut^H^H^H -- sh^Gt, how do I delete..^D^D^D Oh No Oh NO^D^D^D -- How do I get out of this thing anyway (mumble mumble). Bus error (core dumped) Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow. Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management. - Senator Soaper Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. - George Bernard Shaw Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. - H. L. Mencken Democracy is based on the theorem that many men are smarter than one. Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time. - E. B. White Democracy: The art of running a circus from the monkey cage. Ed. Denis Howe My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments. Dentist, n.: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls coins out of one's pockets. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Department meeting in 3 minutes. !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU. I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it would be better for us both if you were to just log out again. Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face. Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways. From the depths of the crypt at St.Giles Came a scream that resounded for miles. Said the Vicar, "Good gracious! Has Father Ignatus Forgotten the Bishop has piles?" Bo Derek ruined my life! She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to. - Gypsy Rose Lee The descent to Hades is the same from every place. You will be where you most desire to be in a short while. I do desire we may be better strangers. Don't despair - your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner. I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise. There had been some desultory talk about putting up a statue to Rincewind but, by the curious alchemy that tends to apply in these sensitive issues, this quickly became a plaque, then a note on the Roll of Honour, and finally a motion of censure for being improperly dressed. - Unseen University politics at work, Terry Pratchett, Eric DETERIORATA Go placidly amid the noise and waste, And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. Rotate your tires. Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself, And heed well their advice - even though they be turkeys. Know what to kiss - and when. Remember that two wrongs never make a right, But that three do. Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD". Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, And despite the changing fortunes of time, There is always a big future in computer maintenance. You are a fluke of the universe You have no right to be here. Whether you can hear it or not, the universe Is laughing behind your back. - National Lampoon The devil finds work for idle circuits to do. There is no devil; it's God when he's drunk. DeVries' Dilemma: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper. Dhblah sidled closer. This was not hard. Dhblah sidled everywhere. *Crabs* thought he walked sideways. - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods You dialed 5483. Don't diddle code to make it faster, find a better algorithm. DIDI - is that a MARTIAN name, or, are we in ISRAEL? To have died once is enough. Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A. You only have to punch information into a computer once. Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche? A. You dont lend the Porsche out to your friend. Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a toilet? A. A toilet won't follow you around when you're done using it. One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet when well oiled. The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, it would be a calamity. - Benjamin Disraeli Q. What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? A. You can unscrew a light bulb. The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions. What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak. Q. What's the difference between and enzyme and a hormone? A. You can't hear an enzyme. Q. What is the difference between and orange? A. A monkey, because a vest has no sleeves. Q. What's the difference between fundamentalists and environmentalists? A. Fundamentalists have been trying to save the world the same way for two thousand years. Environmentalists have a new way every week. Q. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? A. I don't know and I don't care. The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship. - Robert Heinlein The difference between this school and a cactus is that the cactus has the pricks on the outside. Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little. Be different: conform. It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. - R. Serling It is difficult to prophesy, especially about the future. It is difficult to soar with eagles when you work with turkeys. The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer. Digital circuits are made from analog parts. Here I am in 53 BC and all I want is a dill pickle!! There is a fly on your Dimension! Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. Direct action produces direct reaction. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is right. Disc space - the final frontier! A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the toaster - "I wish the toaster to be happy too". Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahide pipeline running straight to the tropics from the rug producing regions and devalue the dollar! It has been discovered that C++ provides a remarkable facility for concealing the trivial details of a program - such as where its bugs are. It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such attempts though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve. - R. E. Masters Some men are discovered; others are found out. Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly. Disease can be cured; fate is incurable. Disguise your feelings when you put your relatives on the plane for home. You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend. You will be dishonest, thoughtless, and lack many qualities needed to prosper in life. Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead. Disk crash - please clean up. One disk to rule them all, One disk to bind them, One disk to hold the files And in the darkness grind 'em Your disk will self-destruct in 5 seconds. The disks are getting full; purge a file today. You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy. Goy: The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates: I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is Jewish. Marine Corps - heavy goyish, dangerous. Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish. Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. Instant potatoes - goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. Macaroons are VERY Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is goyish. Lime soda is VERY goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that Jews won't go near them. - Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. - Mark Twain When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. - Arthur C. Clarke Distress, n.: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano. Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy. "Dock-a-loodle-fod!" - Dyslexic roosters are a sad sight, Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is. The doctor says he has to amputate all of me. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. - Insurance claim A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat." The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect." The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" Doctors report that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However nobody has shown the slightest interest in it. Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning. Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing. - Dick Brandon Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much. It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. If it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. Who makes it doesn't need it. Who buys it doesn't want it. Who uses it doesn't notice it. What is it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: Simple, a Macintosh. Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie? Doing gets it done. By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task completely overwhelm you. If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television? You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends. Your domestic life may be harmonious. He dominates the DECADENT SUBWAY SCENE. If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe? What's done to children, they will do to society. There was not a lot that could be done to make Morpork a worse place. A direct hit by a meteorite, for example, would count as gentrification. - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids They said the job could not be done, But he just set right to it. He tackled the job that couldn't be done And found he couldn't do it. The door is the key. A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. - Ogden Nash "There's a door" "Where does it go?" "It stays where it is, I think." - Eric, in "Eric" by Terry Pratchet - "There's a door" - "Where does it go?" - "It stays where it is, I think." - Terry Pratchett, Eric I dote on his very absence. How doth the little crocodile Improve his shining tail, And pour the waters of the Nile On every golden scale! How cheerfully he seems to grin, How neatly spreads his claws, And welcomes little fishes in, With gently smiling jaws! - Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" How doth the VAX's C compiler Improve its object code. And even as we speak does it Increase the system load. How patiently it seems to run And spit out error flags, While users, with frustration, all Tear their clothes to rags. Don't use no double negatives. Double! When in doubt - S H O U T! When in doubt, do what the President does - guess. When in doubt, follow your heart. When in doubt, lead trump. When in doubt, leave out the adjective. If in doubt, make it sound convincing. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, sing and dance and jump about. When in doubt, take all the defaults. When in doubt, tell the truth. - Mark Twain When in doubt, use brute force. - Ken Thompson Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the double lock will keep; May no brick through the window break, And, no one rob me till I awake. I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatory. Down with categorical imperative! Down with ignurance! No one can put you down without your full cooperation. A dozen, a gross, and a score, Plus three times the square root of four, Divided by seven, Plus five time eleven, Equals nine squared plus zero, no more. Draft beer, not people A new dramatist of the absurd Has a voice that will shortly be heard. I learn from my spies He's about to devise An unprintable three-letter word. Always draw your curves, then plot the data. Draw your salary before spending it. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. - Mark Twain I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a goal in front and not behind. - George Bernard Shaw You dream of things that aren't and ask "why not?". I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back. Boy, were they mad! Does your DRESSING ROOM have enough ASPARAGUS? Drew's Law of Highway Biology: The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes. Do not drink coffee in the morning or it will keep you awake until noon. Never drink coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows. Never drink from your finger bowl - it contains only water. Drink it down Spock, it's the "human" thing to do. I don't have a drink problem. I drink, get drunk, fall down. No problem! Why can't you drink tea at Dens? Because all the mugs are on the pitch. I drink to make other people interesting. - George Jean Nathan "Can you drive a 6-inch spike through a board with your penis?" "Uh, not right now." "Tsk. A girl has to have her standards." - Deborah Foreman to Val Kilmer in "Real Genius" If I don't drive around the park, I'm pretty sure to make my mark. If I'm in bed each night by ten, I may get back my looks again. If I abstain from fun and such, I'll probably amount to much; But I shall stay the way I am, Because I do not give a damn. - Dorothy Parker Drive defensively. Buy a tank. I had been driving in my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. - Insurance claim or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me in MIAMI last Tuesday? Driving to work today, I saw a custom license-plate frame that read: "No Brains, No Headaches". And yes, the driver was blonde. Drop that pickle! Q. How do you drown a blonde? A. Put a mirror on the bottom of the pool. Could I have a drug overdose? Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route! The druid stiffened. "*Nice?*" he said. "A triumph of the silicon chunk, a miracle of modern masonic technology -- *nice*?" "Oh, yes," said Twoflower, to whom sarcasm was merely a seven letter word beginning with S. - Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. - Dean Martin There are more old drunkards than old doctors. A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the man. "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 of them." Ducharm's Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem. Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned it to his master. "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly. "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim." Duck who fly upside down will quack up. Q. Why is a duck? A. Because one of its legs is both the same. Q. Why do ducks have flat feet? A. To stamp out forest fires. Q. Why do elephants have flat feet? A. To stamp out flaming ducks. The ducks in St James's Park are so used to being fed bread by secret agents meeting clandestinely that they have developed their own Pavlovian reaction. Put a St James's Park duck in a laboratory cage and show it a picture of two men -- one usually wearing a coat with a fur collar, the other something sombre with a scarf -- and it'll look up expectantly. - Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. - Carl Zwanzig Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth. Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits. Q. What does a dumb blonde say when she gives birth? A. Gee, are you sure it's mine? If you're dumb enough, you can fuck up anything. - karl@neosoft.com DUMMY During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost hit my wife." "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot at mine, over there." During the next two hours, the VAX will be going up and down several times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po ~y oodsou During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed along with their capooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. - A history student Duty is what one expects from others. A dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit! "They say there's dwarf mines under the Ramtops," she said inconsequentially. "My, but them little buggers is in for a surprise." - Granny reflects on Esk's methods of lighting a fire. Terry Pratchett, Equal Rites All dwarfs are by nature dutiful, serious, literate, obedient and thoughtful people whose only minor failing is a tendency, after one drink, to rush at enemies screaming "Arrrrrrgh!" and axing their legs off at the knee. - Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards! All dwarfs have beards and wear up to twelve layers of clothing. Gender is more or less optional. - Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards! Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it. - W. Somerset Maughm I get up each morning, gather my wits. Pick up the paper, read the obits. If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent? My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went. But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin, And think of the places my get-up has been. - Pete Seeger Each of us bears his own Hell. Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem. Early baldness is known as Premature Kojakulation. Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead. - James Thurber The early worm gets eaten first. The early worm gets the bird. Earn cash in your spare time - blackmail your friends. I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in. - George McGovern When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut. Earth is 98% full, please delete anyone you can. Earth is a great funhouse without the fun. - Jeff Berner The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. Earth is on a healing journey back to oneness with her Creator, God. God is sending Earth and her inhabitants high vibrational energies to help in this process of reunion. As Earth heals, she raises her vibrational energy. As passengers on the planet, Humans get to go along for the ride. However, we must be willing to raise our own vibrations to stay in harmony with the planet's rising vibrations. This means we must work to see ourselves as God beings and let go of all the ego illusions which interfere with this realization. Why? Our ego illusions have dense, heavy vibrations. To reunite with our God selves, our vibrations must speed up. The dense vibrational ego patterns must go. - Monica King, R.N. The earth is one country and mankind its citizens. - Baha'u'llah What on earth would a man do with himself if something did not stand in his way? On Earth, No-one Can Hear You Say "Um". - Terry Pratchett, Only You Can Save Mankind It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased. - Kehlog Albran It's easier said than done. If you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than done". It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa. It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for being right. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end. It is easier to run down a hill than up one. It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem. It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one. There is always an easier way to do it. Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath - black. According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved. There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong. C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot, C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. - Bjarne Stroustrup He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons. Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. - John Kenneth Galbraith Economics, n.: Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. Galbraith. - Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" I am not an Economist. I am an honest man! - Paul McCracken Economy makes men independent. Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well. - Aristotle Your education begins where what is called your education is over. Education helps earning capacity. Ask any college professor. Too much education is bad for the brain. Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. Edwin Meese made me wear CORDOVANS!! An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. In an effort to bolster his popularity, Mikhail Gorbachev ventured to an agricultural community near Moscow, "Well, Comrade, how did the potatoes do this year?" he asked one farmer. "Very well, Comrade president," the farmer replied. "If we piled them up, they would reach God." "But God does not exist, Comrade Farmer." "Nor do the potatoes, Comrade President." Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. - Adlai Stevenson Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where the "nog" comes from. To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in season, eggs. Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain of being a damned fool. - Bellamy Brooks Egotist, n.: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Ehrman's Commentary: 1. Things will get worse before they get better. 2. Who said things would get better? I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. Bernoulli would have been content to die Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(phi)! - Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. - Ronald Reagan, famous movie star Ich bin in einem dusenjet ins jahr 53 vor chr ... ich lande im antiken Rom ... einige gladiatoren spielen scrabble ... ich rieche PIZZA. Said Einstein, "I have an equation Which to some may seem rabelaisian: Let V be virginity Approaching infinity; Let P be a constant persuasion; "Let V over P be inverted With the square root of Mu inserted N times into V The result, QED, Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. Eisenhower was very nice, Nixon was his only vice. - C. Degen Eisenhower!! Your mimeograph machine upsets my stomach!! Eleanor Rigby, Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen. Lives in a dream. Waits for a signal, finding some code that will make the machine do some more. What is it for? All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? You will not be elected to public office this year. Am I elected yet? Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance. Electrocution, n.: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. All electronic components run on smoke. If you let the smoke out, they won't work anymore. An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. Elevators smell different to midgets. Elliptic paraboloids for sale. Eloquence is logic on fire. "Emberella," thought Magrat. "I'm fairy godmothering a girl who sounds like something you put up in the rain." - Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad Emersons' Law of Contrariness: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it. Go on, EMOTE! I was RAISED on thought balloons!! How many DEC employees does it take to change a light bulb? 2 People - Preliminary discussion on concept of change. 1 Person - Devise and write formal bulb architecture. 2 People - Feasability study and timetable of events. 2 People - Produce four utilities to reduce screw-in time 1 Person - Maintain ISO and DEC standards 4 People - Commonality task force on bulb change. 9 People - Change bulb. 5 People - Perform bulb functional test. 2 People - Perform bulb load test. 3 People - Perform bulb regression test. 1 Person - Perform bulb performance analysis. 1 Person - Perform bulb bottleneck analysis. 1 Person - Follow-up study (bulb merge feasibility). 1 Person - Interface with utilities commission. 1 Person - Interface with users. 5 People - Perform BOSE (Build Other Socket Enhancements). 3 People - Perform VIA (Voltage Increases Amps) phase 2. 2 People - Ensure form (round, square, clear/frosted) follows function (wattage, 120/240 volts, visible/ultra-violet, flashing, flood/spot). 3 People - Implement temporary alternative bulb socket for already existing, successful, and profitable socket (bulb-in-one). 5 People - Determine how to market/package/distribute temporary alternative bulb socket. 8 People - Determine how to perform bulb change product split (Control: switches, dimmers; versus implementation: screw-in torque, recovery strategies). 1 Person - Interface with utilities commission QA group. 1 Person - Submit to BDC (Bulb Distribution Center). 1 Person - Set up BPR (Bulb Problem Reports) system. 9 People - Answer customer BPRs. 11 People - Football team to challenge bulb changers. Your empty file directory has been deleted. Encyclopedia Salesmen: Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police and tell them your house is being burgled. - Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop. - Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary When God endowed human beings with brains, he did not intend to guarantee them. All is well that ends well. Your enemies are closing in. We have met the enemy, and he is us. - Walt Kelly You will engage in a profitable business activity. An engineer, an educator, and an AI researcher were discussing the greatest achievements of human intellect. The engineer argued that the wheel was the greatest invention of all time. The educator argued in turn for the printing press. Finally, the AI researcher argued that the thermos was man's greatest achievement. His colleagues were taken aback. "What is so great about a thermos?", asked the engineer. "Well", the AI researcher replied, "you put hot things in and they stay hot, and if you put cold things in they stay cold." "So?", queried the educator. "So?!", replied the AI researcher in obvious shock, "Well, how does it know?" Q. How many IBM engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a feature. English Burger Lords managed to take any American fast food virtues (the speed with which your food was delivered, for example) and carefully remove them; your food arrived after half an hour, at room temperature, and it was only because of the strip of warm lettuce between them that you could distinguish the burger from the bun. The Burger Lord pathfinder salesmen had been shot 25 minutes after setting foot in France. - Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach their children to speak it. - George Bernard Shaw In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our programming languages. An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. - A. P. Herbert You enjoy the company of other people. I enjoy the time that we spend together. Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May. The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledegook than the rest of the world put together. - Sir Peter Medawar Enough research will tend to support your theory. It's not enough to be able to pick up a sword. You have to know which end to poke into the enemy. - Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too. - Alexander Korda It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. - Gore Vidal Just to have it is enough. Once, adv.: Enough. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" He who enters contest is optimistic as submarine with screen doors. But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. - Bruce Leverett "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers" I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever. - Robert Thornton, economics professor, Lehigh University, Bethlehem, PA. If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from? Entropy isn't what it used to be. Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors. Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking. - Jerome Lettvin The Ephebians made wine out of anything they could put in a bucket, and ate anything that couldn't climb out of one. - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids An epigram: a worthless whole, its body brevity and wit its soul. If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams. Why did the epistemologist cross the road? I don't know. Equal bytes for women. Q. How many ergonomicists does it take to change a light bulb? A. Five. Four to decide which way the bulb OUGHT to turn, and one to turn it. Who was Eric Corwin? Bus error: passengers dumped. But you shall not escape my iambics. Eschew dialect, irregardless. Eschew obfuscation. There once was an old man from Esser, Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser. It at last grew so small, He knew nothing at all, And now he's a College Professor. Established technology tends to persist in spite of new technology. Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. - Woody Allen Etymology, n.: Some early etymological scholars come up with derivations that were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy" ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow." - Mike Kellen May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual! Eureka! "Eureka," he said. "Going to have a bath then?" - Philosophy in action, Terry Pratchett, Small Gods Mrs Evadne Cake was a medium, verging on small. - Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man Who was Evan Adams? Evangelists do it with Him watching. Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them. - A history student Everybody gets free BORSCHT! Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES? Now, it's time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!! Everybody is going somewhere!! It's probably a garage sale or a disaster movie!! Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. - Dykstra Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love! Everybody ought to have a friend. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be taught how NOT to. So it is with the great programmers. Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgment. Everyone has a scheme that will not work. Everyone is born a king, and most people die in exile. Everyone is enthusiastic about your work. Everyone is entitled to an *informed* opinion. Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic formulatbion may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact wholly unconcerned with what DOES exist. Indeed, the banality of existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all, one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely different way. Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears. Everyone ought to have a maid. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in his writing. Everyone stopping by with unsought advice will see your mistake. Everyone talks about apathy, but no one does anything about it. Everyone talks about the weather, but no one does anything about it. Don't everyone thank me at once. Everyone's entitled to their half-witted opinions. - Barney Lawrence, QC Everyone's heard of Erwin Schrodinger's famous thought experiment. You put a cat in a box with a bottle of poison, which many people would suggest is about as far as you need to go. - Terry Pratchett, The Unadulterated Cat Everything bows to success, even grammar. 1. Everything depends. 2. Nothing is always. 3. Everything is sometimes. Everything goes wrong at once. What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. - Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane. Everything is connected to everything else including Nothing. Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs. Everything of importance has been said before by someone who did not discover it. Everything put together, falls apart, sooner or later. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. Everything should be transparent to the user. Everything takes longer than you think it will. Everything you know is wrong. Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no straight lines. - R. Buckminster Fuller Everything's coming up roses. You can't have everything. Where would you put it? Evolution: When monkeys make scientists of themselves. Do you have exactly what I want in a plaid poindexter bar bat? Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as "Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", "Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.. - Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He wears a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote excellence: "The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful. Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha." - Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler. Excellent day to have a rotten day. Excellent time to become a missing person. If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. - Roy Santoro There are exceptions to every rule; including this one. Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. - W. Somerset Maugham Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility. The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..." - Isaac Asimov The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" but "That's funny ..." - Isaac Asimov Excreto ergo sum. Any excuse will serve a tyrant. - Aesop Executive ability is prominent in your make-up. Exercise caution in your daily affairs. Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably. Q. How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb? A. Two. One to change it and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness. Expansion means complexity, and complexity decays. Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you. I EXPECT THAT YOU COULD MURDER A PIECE OF CHEESE? - Death talks to the Death of Rats, Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man Expect the worst, it's the least you can do. No one expects the Spanish Inquisition! Expediency is the mother of invention. Expense Accounts, n.: Corporate food stamps. You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass. Experience has taught me that you feel better on a flight if you avoid chicken fat in plastic sauce. - The joys of travelling the world by plane. Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. - Olivier Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. - F. P. Jones Experience is the name everyone gives to his mistakes. Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and the instruction afterward. Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones. Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. "We've got a lot of experience of not having any experience." "But the point is... the point is... the point is we've not been experienced for a lot longer than you." - Stop being so negative, Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. ... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar. - Mark Twain No experiment is reproducible. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to obtain a correspondence with theory. If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment. Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way. An expert is someone who knows no more than you do, but who has it better organ. I can explain it in Dog, but you only listen in Human. - Gaspode the wonder dog, Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? - Elliot, "E. T." If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will. The only exploding people that I can think of are: * Mr. Creosote, in the Meaning of Life - not the wafeur-thin mint! * Ken Buddha and his exploding knees, sometime in the first series - a smile, two bangs and a religion; * Mrs Nigger-Baiter exploding sometime in the third series - nuff said; * "It's 6 o'clock on BBC 1 and time for the penguin on top of your television set to explode" - oops, not a person; * Luton Airport, blown up by Dinsdale Piranha; * Lemon curry? Express an opinion, but send advice by freight. External Security: Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly. Extreme good-naturedness borders on weakness of character. Avoid it. I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me. On the fabled hidden continent of Xxxx, somewhere near the rim, there is a lost colony of wizards who wear corks around their pointy hats and live on nothing but prawns. - Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man FABRICATI DIEM, PVNC. - The motto of the Ankh-Morpork City Watch, Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards! It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour! - Macy's The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. It is a fact of life that computer programs of consequence are rarely correct. Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China. The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole". Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax tadpole. Coke - it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad satiric vistas do not open up. - John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one. The happiness of credulity is a cheap and dangerous quality. - George Bernard Shaw It is a fact that although the Death of the Discworld is, in his own words, an ANTHROPOMORPHIC PERSONIFICATION, he long ago gave up using the traditional skeletal horses, because of the bother of having to stop all the time to wire bits back on. - Terry Pratchett, Mort The fact that it works is immaterial. - L. Ogborn In fact, no gods anywhere play chess. They prefer simple, vicious games, where you Do Not Achieve Transcendence but Go Straight to Oblivion; a key to the understanding of all religion is that a god's idea of amusement is Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs. - Terry Pratchett, Wyrd Sisters In fact, the mere act of opening the box will determine the state of the cat, although in this case there were three determinate states the cat could be in: these being Alive, Dead, and Bloody Furious. - Schrödinger's Moggy explained, Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. If the facts do not conform to your theory, they must be disposed of. I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they can do is to go away. By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. - John Kenneth Galbraith When all else fails, read the instructions. Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital. Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall. A fair exterior is a silent recommendation. Fairy Tale, n.: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door. Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move. Faith, n: That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be untrue. Fakir, n: A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished. He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals. Familiarity breeds attempt. Families, when a child is born Want it to be intelligent. I, through intelligence, Having wrecked my whole life, Only hope the baby will prove Ignorant and stupid. Then he will crown a tranquil life By becoming a Cabinet Minister - Su Tung-p'o Has your family tried 'em? POWDERMILK BISCUITS Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the strength to get up and do what needs to be done. POWDERMILK BISCUITS Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains that indicate freshness. 355/113 - Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation! Famous last words: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. Famous last words: Don't worry, I can handle it. Famous last words: Don't worry, it's not loaded. Famous last words: If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be a cop. Famous last words: It's always sunny there this time of the year. Famous last words: Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. Famous last words: They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. Famous last words: We won't need reservations. Famous last words: What happens if you touch these two wires tog- Famous last words: You and what army? A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened. A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. - Winston Churchill Fancy gizmos don't work. With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once build a nuclear balm? You are farsighted, a good planner, an ardent lover, and a faithful friend and believe anything nice anyone says about you. Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. - Oscar Wilde Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year? Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your children open their old-fashioned presents. Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?" You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!" Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory, and I get this cretin TOP?" Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this." You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!" Daughter: "It looks like goat barf." - Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon? PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more to the problem set than to the solution set. - E. W. Dijkstra A man's fate is a man's fate and life is but an illusion. "You are old, Father William," the young man said, "All your papers these days look the same; Those William's would be better unread - Do these facts never fill you with shame?" "In my youth," Father William replied to his son, "I wrote wonderful papers galore; But the great reputation I found that I'd won, Made it pointless to think any more." "You are old, father William," the young man said, "And your hair has become very white; And yet you incessantly stand on your head - Do you think, at your age, it is right?" "In my youth," father William replied to his son, "I feared it might injure the brain; But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, Why, I do it again and again." - Lewis Carrol The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge. - Letter in New Libertarian Notes 19 Fats Loves Madelyn. Your fault: core dumped I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. - Isaac Asimov Top Ten Fears of Snuggles the Fabric Softener Bear 10. Might someday have to chew own leg off to escape from lint trap. 9. Sleeping in laundry basket exposes him to attack by housecats. 8. He may wind up in a washer with Al Sharpton's undershirts. 7. People will find out about that mauled camper back in '78. 6. Excess softener will leave him unable to perform as a male. 5. First wife Joey Heatherton will write book claiming he beat her regularly. 4. Winnie the Pooh will get drunk at family gathering and start loudly suggesting that HE should be the Fabric Softener Bear. 3. Something might happen to George Bush. 2. Company doctors will perform some kind of surgery to insure he remains "snuggly" forever. 1. The Pillsbury Doughboy will ask him to poke lower. Don't feed the bats tonight. No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. - Eleanor Roosevelt Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in? I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. - Galileo Galilei You don't feel you could love me but I feel you could. FEELINGS are cascading over me! When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's the money. - Kim Hubbard Q. How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A. Two. One to change the light bulb and one to kick the balls off any man trying to help the first one. Q. How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Four. One to screw in the bulb, one to comment on how the bulb violates the socket, one to secretly wish she was the bulb, and one to secretly wish she was the socket. Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you. Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly - sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike. Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing. You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog. Fidelity, n.: A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. On the fifth day the Governor of the town called all the tribal chieftains to an audience in the market square, to hear their grievances. He didn't always do anything about them, but at least they got *heard*, and he nodded a lot, and everyone felt better about it at least until they got home. This is politics. - Carpet politics are very similar to Discworld politics, Terry Pratchett, The Carpet People Fifth Law of Applied Terror: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live. Fifth Law of Procrastination: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do. The Fifth Rule: You have taken yourself too seriously. No! Fight the forces of MoralDecencyAndNormalcy! We must supress them! We must conquer them! We must make choclate chip pizza available! Remember that peanut butter is every man's God-given birthright. - Scott "'E's fighting in there!" he stuttered, grabbing the captain's arm. "All by himself?" said the captain. "No, with everyone!" shouted Nobby, hopping from one foot to the other. - Making Friends and Hitting People, Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards! FIGHTING WORDS Say my love is easy had, Say I'm bitten raw with pride, Say I am too often sad - Still behold me at your side. Say I'm neither brave nor young, Say I woo and coddle care, Say the devil touched my tongue - Still you have my heart to wear. But say my verses do not scan, And I get me another man! - Dorothy Parker He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day. The figures looked more or less human. And they were engaged in religion. You could tell by the knives (it's not murder if you do it for a god). - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods The figures the telescope was producing were all that was left of an exploding star twenty million years ago. A billion small rubbery things on two planets who had been getting on with life in a quiet sort of way had been totally destroyed, but they were certainly helping Adrian get his Ph.D. and, who knows, they might have thought it all worthwhile if anyone had asked them. - Terry Pratchett, Johnny and the Dead File names are infinite in length where infinity is set to 255 characters. - Peter Collinson, "The Unix File System" I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit. I filled out an application that said, "In case of emergency notify:". I wrote "Doctor". What's my mother going to do? "I saw a film where there was an alien crawling around inside a spaceship's air ducts and it could come out wherever it liked," said Johnny reproachfully. "Doubtless it had a map", said the Captain. - Terry Pratchett, Only You Can Save Mankind They're filming Rocky V now. This one's being billed as `Rocky's Greatest Challenge', so I guess there's an IQ test involved. - Jay Leno Finagle's Creed: Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. Finagle's Fourth Law: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. Finagle's Law: The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum. Finagle's Second Law: No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory. Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. Corollaries: 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really don't want to hear, will see it immediately. Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? A. It ain't hard. If we find a cat I'm going to kick it! - Terry Pratchett, Only You Can Save Mankind You can't find a hermit to teach you herming, because of course that rather spoils the whole thing. - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods Q. How do you find out if a Scot is a McDonald? A. Lift his kilt; if you find a quarterpounder, he IS a McDonald. Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad its not a fence. There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the proper time for chocolate. - Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion" "MOM, CAN I SET FIRE TO MY BED MATTRESS?" "No, Calvin." "CAN I RIDE MY TRICYCLE ON THE ROOF?" "No, Calvin." "Then can I have a cookie?" "No, Calvin." ("She's on to me.") A day for firm decisions. Or is it? Firmness of delivery dates is inversely proportional to tightness of schedule. On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than $283 on the desk before the cashier. "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier, "This is fantastic. That route never brought in money like this! What happened?" "Well, after three days on that cockamany route, I figured business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!" First draw the curves; then plot the data. The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. - Abbie Hoffman The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system. - Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified", which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last names. Here's the complete text: 1. How much did you make? (AMOUNT) 2. How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT) 3. Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME) household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST NAME), that it pays to file the short form!" The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long form. - Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind. First Law of Procrastination: Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (ie. the authority who imposed the deadline). First Law of Socio-Genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary. When the first living thing existed, I was there, waiting. When the last living thing dies, my job will be finished. I'll put the chairs on the tables, turn out the lights, and lock the universe behind me when I leave. - Death, from Neil Gaiman's "Sandman" The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child, was propounded to me by my father: "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet - and whistles?" I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity gave up. "A herring," said my father. "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" "So hang it there." "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. "Paint it." "But a herring isn't wet." "If its just painted its still wet." "But - " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "- a herring doesn't whistle!" "Right," smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it hard." - Leo Rosten First Rule of History: History doesn't repeat itself - historians merely repeat each other. The First Rule of Program Optimization: Don't do it. The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): Don't do it yet. - Michael Jackson The first shall be First and the last shall be Last. I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded." Q. What's the first thing a blonde does after sex? A. Open the car door. Q. What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? A. Introduce herself. Q. What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? A. Walk home. The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history. - A history student If at first you don't succeed - cheat! If at first you don't succeed, give up. No use being a damn fool. If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. If at first you don't succeed, you are running about average. - Bill Cosby If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average. Who's on first? And now, the Fish Slapping Dance. A man who fishes for marlin in ponds will put his money in Etruscan bonds. He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab. Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind. - Terry Pratchett "Reaper Man" The five worst words in the English language are: "Welcome Home to Heathrow Airport" In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only we can't control when the five year period will begin. Cwm fjord-bank glyphs vext quiz. Flappity, floppity, flip The mouse on the m"obius strip; The strip revolved, The mouse dissolved In a chronodimensional skip. FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ... You will have a flat tyre before the end of the month. When you can flatten entire cities at a whim, a tendency towards quiet reflection and seeing-things-from-the-other-fellow's-point-of-view is seldom necessary. - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods Here I am at the flea market but nobody is buying my urine sample bottles. May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones. Flee at once, all is discovered. All flesh is grass. - Isiah Smoke a friend today. May the flies from a thousand camels buzz your armpits! The man who has never been flogged has never been taught. The floggings shall continue until morale improves. Flon's Law: There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs. Florida (or Floridia): A place where may be found ALLIGATORS, LONG-NECKED TURTLES and SPACE SHUTTLES. An interesting place which is warm and wet and there are geese. BACON, LETTUCE AND TOMATO SANDWICHES may be found here also. A lot more interesting than many other places. The shape when seen from the air is like a bit stuck on a bigger bit. - A Scientific Encyclopedia for the Enquiring Young Nome by Angalo de Haberdasheri, Terry Pratchett, Wings In Florida maternity ward: No children allowed. Flugg's Law: When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. Q. How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb? A. Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old bulb was. Follow the good side right to the fire, but not into it. You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. Which of the following doesn't belong? (a) meat (b) eggs (c) wife (d) blowjob. Answer: (d) a blowjob because it's possible to beat your meat, your eggs, or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob. The following statement is not true: Following the advice of experts from British Nuclear Fuels, Chernobyl has been renamed Sellograd. The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been. - Alan Ashley-Pitt Old men are fond of giving good advice to console themselves for their inability to set bad examples. I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. A fool and her money are soon courted. A fool and his honey are soon parted. How did a fool and his money get together in the first place? If you fool around with something long enough, it will eventually break. There's one fool at least in every married couple. Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do. - Dale Carnegie Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to sell it. Only a fool has no doubts. Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage. You can't fool me - there ain't no sanity clause. - Groucho Marx Ha! You don't fool me with your strange knees-bent running-around-backwards type behaviour! I unclog my nostrils at you, you, you animal food-trough wiper! Begone, or I shall taunt you a second time! A fool must now and then be right by chance. You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time and that has long been sufficient for any government. A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. - George Bernard Shaw A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. My foolish parents taught me to read and write. A foolproof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant. Only fools are quoted. For fools rush in where angels fear to tread. Force has no place where there is need of skill. In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in the proper order then why can't he? Don't force it; use a hammer. If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead. - Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by people who want some. - Dwight MacDonald He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over. In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, junior, what are you up to?" "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the rabbit. "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!" "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?" "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour wolves." "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?" "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox. The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important - it's your PhD advisor that really counts. I never forget a face, but in your case I'm willing to make an exception. You will forget that you ever knew me. You will soon forget this. I will not forget you. Forgetfulness: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience. Get forgiveness now - tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. A man forgives only when he is in the wrong. You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting needles. - Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances. A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. - D. Gries Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal. In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) are to be treated as variables. Fort Wayne is not the headquarters of F troop. FORTH is not a language. It's the word between third and fifth mispelled. FORTRAN is not a language. It's a way of turning a multi-million dollar mainframe into a $50 programmable scientific calculator. This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need, please use the program "rndchr". This program generates random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been. If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it. This fortune every third, but it still comprehensible. This fortune intentionally left blank. This fortune intentionally not included. This fortune is false. This fortune is inoperative. Please try another. This fortune is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co. Ltd. It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either. - Mark Twain The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities. Will had a fortune the other day, but he forgot it. This fortune will not come true. Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month): Don't Write On Walls! (and underneath) You want I should type? Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals goes to Representative Clare E Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero and Rep. John D Dingell, also of Michigan. DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are having to artificially propagate oysters and clams. HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters? DINGELL: They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is that female oysters through their living habits cast out large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of fertilization. HOFFMAN: Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many teenagers who read The Congressional Record. FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS 14 Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck. It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life. In this fortune, the concluding three words 'were left out'. Make your own fortune, you think I'm made of money or something? You want a fortune? I'll give you a fortune. "Blech!" There are fortunes that mention the word "umbrella" for no apparent reason. I want FORTY-TWO TRYNEL FLOATATION SYSTEMS installed within SIX AND A HALF HOURS!!! I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble. There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable and praiseworthy. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Q. What's got four legs and a cunt half way up its back? A. A police horse. Four thousand different MAGNATES, MOGULS & NABOBS are romping in my gothic solarium!! Fourth Law of Applied Terror: The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course. Fourth Law of Revision: It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences - if you have none, someone will make one for you. France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish Gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children. - A history student San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. - Herb Caen Then you must be Don Francisco's sister! San Francisco, n.: Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse. Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles. Frankly, my dear Charlotte, I don't give a damn. Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so get used to it. Free the Indianapolis 500. Use free-form input where possible. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. War is peace. Fresco's Discovery: If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored. A guy has to get fresh once in a while so the girl doesn't lose her confidence. There once was a freshman named Lin, Whose tool was as thin as a pin, A virgin named Joan From a bible belt home, Said "This won't be much of a sin." My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. A friend is someone you call to help you move. A best friend is someone you call to help you move... a body. A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and ... oooooh, that's much better. My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs. What a friend we have in cheeses. My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old. All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us sane. Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again. You have many friends and very few living enemies. Have no friends not equal to yourself. Friends, Romans, Hipsters, Let me clue you in; I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him. The square kicks some cats are on stay with them; The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser. The cool Brutus Gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes; If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea, And, like, old Caeser really set them straight. Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, - for Brutus is a real cool cat; So are they all, all cool cats, - Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down. Friends: People who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them. Frisbee players are ultimate lovers. Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and gets stuck. Frobnicate, v.: To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ. Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it. And then there were the frogs. Very, very small frogs. They had such a tiny life cycle it still had trainer wheels on it. - Terry Pratchett, Wings FROZEN ENTREES may be flung by members of opposing SWANSON SECTS. Fudd's First Law of Opposition: Push something hard enough and it will fall over. Function reject. C Functions, SIMSCRIPT Processes but OPS5 Rules. I have a funny daddy Who goes in and out with me And everything that baby does Daddy's sure to see, And everthing that baby says, My daddy's sure to tell. You MUST have read my daddy's verse. I hope he fries in Hell. - Ogden Nash What's so funny? Furbling, v.: Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line. - Rich Hall, "Sniglets" Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. - H. H. Williams And furthermore, my bowling average is unimpeachable! There's no future in time travel. The future is a myth created by insurance salesmen and high school counselors. The future is bright in affairs of the heart. The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.) The future lies ahead. Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening. Fuzzy project goals avoid the embarrassment of estimating the costs. You will gain money by a speculation or lottery. You will gain money by an illegal or immoral action. Galbraith's Law of Human Nature: Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof. Don't gamble with security. I like your game but we have to change the rules. Garbage In - Gospel Out. If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and none dare criticize it. In the Garden of Eden sat Adam, Massaging the bust of his madam, He chuckled with mirth, For he knew that on earth, There were only two boobs and he had 'em. Our garden was debated territory between five local cats, and we'd heard that the best way to keep other cats out of the garden was to have one yourself. A moment's rational thought here will spot the slight flaw in this reasoning. - Terry Pratchett, The Unadulterated Cat Garlic is to salad what insanity is to art. Garter, n.: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes! - Adventures of Asterix. GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room. GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest. Genderplex, n.: The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and tortoises). - Rich Hall, "Sniglets" All generalisations are dangerous, even this one. All generalisations are false. It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people. - Dolph Sharp, "I'm OK, You're Not So Hot" I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. - Mae West The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals. Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should. Put your genius into your life. Put only your talent into your work. Genius is the talent of a man who is dead. Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. - Elbert Hubbard Genius, n.: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with "bright". The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep. A gentile asked his Jewish friend why he always answered a question with another question. The Jew answered, "Why not?". The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness. Genua had once controlled the river mouth and taxed its traffic in a way that couldn't be called piracy because it was done by the city government. - Local-body politics explained, Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad She's genuinely bogus. The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. George Bernard Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his secretary, "Is there a play from Shaw this morning?" and when she says "No", he will say "Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish". And that's your chance, my boy." George Orwell was an optimist. George Washington married Marth Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. The Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. - A history student Q. How did the Germans invade Poland? A. They marched in backwards and said they were leaving. Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 1. An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. 2. An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 3. The energy required to change either one of these states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally impossible. Getting an education at the University of California is like having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time. ... getting [cruise missles] more accurate so that we can have precise precision. - Vice President Dan Quayle referring to his legislative work dealing with cruise missles There are no giant crabs in here, Frank. Gibble, Gobble, we ACCEPT YOU. He that is giddy thinks the world turns round. A gift of flour will soon be made to you. A gift of flowers will soon be made to you. - Gifts for Children - This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children, because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift. - Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" - Gifts for Men - Men are amused by almost any idiot thing - that is why professional ice hockey is so popular - so buying gifts for them is easy. But you should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?"). So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires. - Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" Gimmie That Old Time Religion We will follow Zarathustra, Zarathustra like we use to, I'm a Zarathustra booster, And he's good enough for me! (chorus) In the church of Aphrodite, The priestess wears a see through nightie, She's a mighty righteous sightie, And she's good enough for me! We will worship like the Druids, Dancing naked in the woods, Drinking strange fermented fluids, And it's good enough for me! Chorus: Give me that old time religion, Give me that old time religion, Give me that old time religion, 'Cause it's good enough for me! Ginsberg's Theorem: 1. You can't win. 2. You can't break even. 3. You can't even quit the game. Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem. To wit: 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game. I am not now, and never have been, a girl friend of Henry Kissinger. - Gloria Steinem There once was a girl named Irene Who lived on distilled kerosene But she started absorbin' A new hydrocarbon And since then has never benzene. Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy, finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl. My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them. Your girlfriend offered her honor. And then you honored her offer. Then it was on her and off her and on her and off her. You don't give a damn about apathy. Never give a gun to ducks. What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager asked her mother. "Encouragement, dear," she replied. Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours. Never give an inch! Give anyone a lever long enough and they can change the world. It's unreliable levers that are the problem. - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods Give big space to the festive dog that shall sport in the roadway. Never give coffee to a drunk, because all you end up with, is a wide awake drunk. If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it will always do it. - Les Aspin (D), Wisconsin Old men give good advice when they are no longer able to provide bad examples. To give happiness is to deserve happiness. Give him an evasive answer. Give me a fish and I will eat today. Teach me to fish and I will eat forever. O give me a home, Where the buffalo roam, Where the deer and the antelope play, Where seldom is heard A discouraging word, 'Cause what can an antelope say? Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world. Give me all your lupins! Give me chastity and continence, but not just now. If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. - Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities! I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford. Give them RADAR-GUIDED SKEE-BALL LANES and VELVEETA BURRITOS!! Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to a new town. Give up. Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. You will be given a post of trust and responsibility. Given my druthers, I'd druther not. Any given program, once running, is obsolete. I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself. If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to invent it. God gives burdens; also shoulders. Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why would he lie about a thing like that? - Arthur Naiman God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends. Boy, am I glad it's only 1971. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of). Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done. If it GLISTENS, gobble it!! All that glitters has a high refractive index. My goal is a simple one: To live forever - or die trying. The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we've finished building it. The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to build better mice. As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote. We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. - Whole Earth Catalog Most gods find it hard to walk and think at the same time. - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage. The gods of the Disc have never bothered much about judging the souls of the dead, and so people only go to hell if that's where they believe, in their deepest heart, that they deserve to go. Which they won't do if they don't know about it. This explains why it is so important to shoot missionaries on sight. - Terry Pratchett, Eric When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers. A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The first thing he notices is that the arms are too long. "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine." "But the collar is up around my ears!" "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a little more ... that's it." "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation. "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you go. Look in the mirror - the suit fits perfectly." So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the street. Reba and Florence see him go by. "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!" "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit." - Arthur Naiman Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing. I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long." When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical. - Jon Carroll Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car. I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel. If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. - Henny Youngman You are going to have a new love affair. "It's going to look pretty good, then, isn't it," said War testily, "the One Horseman and Three Pedestrians of the Apocralypse." - The Four Horsemen of the Apocralypse encounter unexpected difficulties, Terry Pratchett, Sourcery "I'm not going to ride on a magic carpet!" he hissed. "I'm afraid of grounds." "You mean heights," said Conina. "And stop being silly." "I know what I mean! It's the grounds that kill you!" - Terry Pratchett, Sourcery - "If you're going to suggest I try dropping twenty feet down a pitch dark tower in the hope of hitting a couple of greasy little steps which might not even still be there, you can forget it," said Rincewind sharply. - "There is an alternative, then." - "Out with it, man." - "You could drop five hundred feet down a pitch black tower and hit stones which certainly are there," said Twoflower. Dead silence from below him. Then Rincewind said, accusingly, "That was sarcasm." - Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank." Gold, n.: A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold hasn't done anything to them. - Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" The Golden Rule of arts and sciences: The one who has the gold makes the rules. Goldenstern's Rules: 1. Always hire a rich attorney. 2. Never buy from a rich salesman. I've gone to hundreds of fortune-tellers' parlors, and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her. - New York City Detective Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. - La Rouchefoucauld I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, I am the very model of a modern Major-General. - Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance" A good bookshop is just a genteel Black Hole that knows how to read. - Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards! Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. This is a good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school. Good day to let down old friends who need help. No good deed goes unpunished. - Clare Boothe Luce He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else. That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee. Good fortune will find you, providing you gave directions. What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the entrance? What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow in his footsteps? Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed. You will have good luck and overcome many hardships. You will always have good luck in your personal affairs. A good memory does not equal pale ink. Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor. Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's new lover. One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone. A good reputation is more valuable than money. The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe. Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. - Mae West It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. This is a good time to punt work. For a good time, call (408) 555-1212. For a good time, call (415) 642-9483 Try not to have a good time. This is supposed to be educational. - Charles Schulz Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A. You can park in the handicap zone. One good turn deserves another. One good turn gets the whole blanket. Good USENET mottos would be: a. Together, a strong community. b. Computers R Us. c. I'm sick of programming, I think I'll just fuck around for a while on company time. If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a call. When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better. Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. - George Saunders' dying words Goto, n.: A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers to complain about unstructured programmers. - Ray Simard Use GOTOs only to implement a fundamental structure. How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese? He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself. When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo. - A history student There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is this? Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think YOU can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's forbidden to eat crab - fresh cold crab with mayonnaise - or lobster - soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance. - Arthur Naiman Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 - not even for large values of 2. Graduate life - it's not just a job, it's an indenture. Q. How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb? A. It all depends on the size of the grant. Q. How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb? A. Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done. Q. How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb? A. Two, and a professor to take credit. Grain grows best in shit - U. K. LeGuin Granddad was superstitious about books. He thought that if you had enough of them around, education leaked out, like radioactivity. - Terry Pratchett, Johnny and the dead I'M MY OWN GRANDPA (Dwight Latham & Moe Jaffe) Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three I was married to a widow who was pretty as could be This widow had a grownup daughter who had hair of red My father fell in love with her, and soon they too were wed This made my Dad my son-in-law and really changed my life For now my daughter was my mother, 'cause she was my father's wife And to complicate the matter, even though it brought me joy, I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy My little baby then became a brother-in-law to Dad And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad For if he were my uncle, then that also made him brother Of the widow's grownup daughter, who was of course my stepmother Father's wife then had a son who kept them on the run And he became my grandchild, for he was my daughter's son My wife is now my mother's mother, and it makes me blue Because although she is my wife, she's my grandmother too Now if my wife is my grandmother, then I'm her grandchild And every time I think of it, it nearly drives me wild 'Cause now I have become the strangest case you ever saw As husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa I'm my own grandpa, I'm my own grandpa, It sounds funny, I know But it really is so I'm my own grandpa Grandpa Charnock's Law: You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. Granny's remedies, made from simple, honest, and generally nearly poisonous herbs and roots, were amazing things. After one dose of stomache-ache jollop, you made sure you never complained of stomach ache ever again. In its way, it was a sort of cure. - No, not that Granny. The other one. Terry Pratchett, Truckers I'll grant the random access to my heart, Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love; And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove And in our bound partition never part. - Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" There's more to grapefruit than meets the eye. Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words - but only those to describe the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described with pictures. The grass may be greener next door but it's just as hard to cut. I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. - Mark Twain The grave of Karl Marx is just another communist plot. Gravity is a habit that is hard to shake off. - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. Gray's Law of Programming: n+1 trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as n tasks. Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: n+1 trivial tasks take twice as long as n trivial tasks. The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint My back aches, my pussy is sore; I simply can't fuck any more; I'm covered with sweat, And you haven't come yet, And my God, it's a quarter to four! grblb blabt unt mipt speeb! oot piffoo blaboo. - Opus The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog Eater. - Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" You'll see. Great Danes are no problem! All great discoveries are made by accident. There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write. They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps. All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time. There'd be a great improvement if they shot less film and more producers. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. - William James GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY 21: July 30, 1917 On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then- Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men stood lookout. The two great tragedies in life: not getting what one wants and getting it. But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again. This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate increases. - Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves. The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none. The greatest remedy for anger is delay. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. - A history student Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent. The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be measured by the way in which its animals are treated. - Mahatma Gandhi Greebo's technique was unscientific and wouldn't have stood a chance against any decent swordmanship, but on his side was the fact that it is almost impossible to develop decent swordmanship when you seem to have run into a food mixer that is biting your ear off. - Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad Q. What's green and bounces up and down? A. Skippy the cooking apple. Green light in A.M. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets. There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. Greener's Law: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. Greetings @*$$%& Earthling. Grelb's Reminder: Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers. Greta Barbo dreamed one night that she sprinkled boxes of grass seed in her hair. She awoke moaning, "I vant to be a lawn." There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften. On the grounds of a private school: No tresspassing without permission. The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided by the number of people in the group. At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. - The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985 If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager. - T. Cheatham "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" asked the father of his little son. "Diet." When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that can't happen. - Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal) What soon grows old? Gratitude. Grub first, then ethics. - Bertolt Brecht Don't guess - check your security regulations. Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. Guilt was the grease in which the wheels of the authority turned. - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods Guinness in Ireland and the UK differs from the stuff they export in that it isn't pasteurized. Also, it's available in cans, bottles, kegs, and tiny little wineskins made out of squirrels. The brew will age and will taste different as it ages. - john@attcan.UUCP (John Benfield) Now I've heard of beer that tastes like it has a dead rodent in it, but this is a new one. A dead rodent that tastes like it has beer in it? Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space? Gyroscope, n.: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin. - Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary The habit of viewing things carefully and thinking of life hopefully may be made to grow up in us like any other habit. There once was a hacker named Ken Who inherited truckloads of Yen So he built him some chicks Of silicon chips And hasn't been heard from since then. All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm place to shift. Hacker's Law: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. Hackers do it with bugs. Hackers do it with fewer instructions. AI hackers do it with robots. Q. How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. None. There's a primitive for that. Hackers know all the right MOVs. Hackers of the world, unite! Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge. He hadn't a single redeeming vice. - Oscar Wilde Hail to the sun god He sure is a fun god Ra! Ra! Ra! Hailing frequencies open, Captain. Half a mind is a terrible thing to waste! A half moon is better than no moon at all. In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques. - Art Linkletter Half-done: This is the best way to eat a kosher dill - when it's still crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the the difference between life and death. You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the man, "Let me have a nice half-done." Worth the trouble, wasn't it? - Arthur Naiman Hall's Laws of Politics: 1. The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. 2. Citizens want honest politictictans until they want something fixed. 3. Constituency drives out consistency (ie. liberals defend military spending, and conservatives social spending in their own districts). And there's hamburger all over the highway in Mystic, Connecticut. A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. - Maslow In a New Hampshire jewelry store: Ears pierced while you wait. Hand me a pair of leather pants and a CASIO keyboard - I'm living for today! The hand that kindles cannot quench the flame. Hand, n.: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold. Many hands make light work. Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. Hanson's Treatment of Time: There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday. What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad. - Dave Barry What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes. If it happens, it must be possible. Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others. Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. - Ogden Nash If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry. Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life. Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion. Happiness is unattainable until you stop looking for it. Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. - Oscar Levant Happiness, n.: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Happy feast of the pig. How happy is the idiot, He doesn't give a damn. I wish I were an idiot. My god, perhaps I am! There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. - Clint Eastwood Be happy with the real pleasures in life. If you're happy, you're successful. Old age is the harbour of all ills. A hard man is good to find. It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa. Hard work may not kill me but why take that chance? It is much harder to find a job than to keep one. The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. - Albert Einstein Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) facts. The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the historian uses his to enrich the past. Both are usually up to their ankles in bullshit. - Tom Robbins There are hardly any excesses of the most crazed psychopath that cannot easily be duplicated by a normal kindly family man who just comes in to work every day and has a job to do. - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning. Q. How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? A. None: We'll fix it in software. How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None: "We'll fix it in software." How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None: "We'll document it in the manual." How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? None: "The user can work it out." Hardware, n.: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark The Duke is fond of kittens He likes to take their insides out And use them for his mittens From "The Thirteen Clocks" Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, Advertising wondrous things. - Tom Leher Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it. The most harmful error has not yet been discovered in your program. Not all who own a harp are harpers. Harp not on that string. Harris's Lament: All the good ones are taken. Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined. Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon." - Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob" Hartley's First Law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something. Hartley's Second Law: Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. Harvard Law: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases. Q. How many Harvard students does it take to change a light bulb? A. Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him. WHAT CAN THE HARVEST HOPE FOR, IF NOT FOR THE CARE OF THE REAPER MAN? - Death appeals to Azraphael, Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man Hasta La Vista Baby! Haste maketh waste. Why do I hate Communists? Because I just went out and bought a brand spankin' new World Atlas for $24.95 that had Germany all one color, and now I find out I gotta buy ANOTHER one in a few weeks that has the USSR in all *different* colors. I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night. You hate mail. I hate quotations. - Ralph Waldo Emerson Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon. If you have to hate, hate gently. He hated to mend, so young Ned Called in a cute neighbor instead. Her husband said, "Vi, When you stitched his torn fly, Did you have to bite off the thread?" Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad. He who hates vices hates mankind. Every why hath a wherefore. He hath eaten me out of house and home. War hath no fury like a non-combatant. - Charles Edward Montague My cup hath runneth'd over with love. Hatred, n.: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" You haven't a single redeeming vice. I haven't lost my mind - it's backed up on tape somewhere. I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it. Even a hawk is an eagle among crows. Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name. - Gore Vidal You will have a head crash on your private pack. Two heads are better than one. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. A heap of discarded garments by the bed suggested that Verence had mastered the art of hanging up clothes as practised by half the population of the world, and that he had equally had difficulty with the complex topological manoeuvres necessary to turn the socks the right way out. - Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies Did you hear about the Arab baker who every morning at 6:00 would bow to the yeast? Did you hear about the guy who was into flagellation, bestiality and necrophilia? He gave it up. It was flogging a dead horse. Did you hear about the new German microwave oven? Seats 500. Did you hear about the psychology major who dropped out and turned to prostitution? She'll blow your mind. When I hear anyone speak of Culture, I reach for my revolver. You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you. If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. "Did I hear things, or can that little dog speak?" said Dibbler. "He says he can't," said Victor. Dibbler hesitated. "Well," he said, "I suppose he should know." - Dibbler meets Gaspode the Wonder Dog, Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures I hear what you're saying but I just don't care. I can't hear you. There's a banana republic in my ear. Heard about the Rodeo position? That's where you mount your wife from the back, tell her about your new girlfriend, then try to stay on for 8 seconds. You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. - Alfred Kahn I've heard that there's an interesting lecture on schizophrenia at the Caird Hall tonight and I've half a mind to go to it. The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow. If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate man! Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout. The heart is wiser than the intellect. What does I heart N Y mean anyway? His heart was yours from the first moment that you met. Here in my heart, I am Helen; I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least. I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"el; I'm Salome, moon of the East. Here in my soul I am Sappho; Lady Hamilton am I, as well. In me R'ecamier vies with Kitty O'Shea, With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell. I'm all of the glamorous ladies At whose beckoning history shook. But you are a man, and see only my pan, So I stay at home with a book. - Dorothy Parker Every man is as Heaven made him, and sometimes a great deal worse. You can't get to Heaven on roller skates. Heaven, n.: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" There is no heavier burden than a great potential. Heavy, adj.: Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: You can never be sure how many beers you had last night. Heisenberg may have slept here. Heisenburg may have slept here. You will be held hostage by a radical group. If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound? "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you didn't believe in God." "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears. "But the God I don't beleive in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be." - Joseph Heller Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. - Milton Friedman Hell hath no fury like an Audi driver left standing at the traffic lights. Where the hell is Wall Drug? Hell's broken loose. I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore! What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket. Heller's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists. Johnson's Corollary: Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the organization. Hello commrades. I am new leader. President Gorbongo is resting in a capitalistic pig dog resort with the traitors and prostitutes. I am new leader. I have small penis but big tanks. Women still dig me. I am new Bongo. HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death! Hello! I'm Bounder of Adventure! HELLO, everybody, I'm a HUMAN! Hello, GORRY-O! I'm a GENIUS from HARVARD! Hello, IRON CURTAIN? Send over a SAUSAGE PIZZA! World War III? No thanks! Hello. I know the divorce rate among unmarried Catholic Alaskan females! Hello? Enema Bondage? I'm calling because I want to be happy, I guess. - "You're Hells Angels, then? What chapter are you from?" - REVELATIONS, CHAPTER SIX. - Death in conversation with a biker, Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens Help a swallow land at Capistrano. Would it help if I got out and pushed? Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70! Help! I'm trapped inside an Amdahl 470! Henry Ford hadn't made a penny until he was forty. The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent thinkers. A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity. You're my hero! You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems. He who hesitates is sometimes saved. She who hesitates is won. Q. How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in San Francisco? A. Both of them. Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms. Hiccuping & trembling into the WASTE DUMPS of New Jersey like some drunken CABBAGE PATCH DOLL, coughing in line at FIORUCCI'S!! In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion. In a hierarchy, every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence. Higgeldy Piggeldy, Hamlet of Elsinore Ruffled the critics by Dropping this bomb: "Phooey on Freud and his Psychoanalysis - Oedipus, Shmoedipus, I just loved Mom." Your aim is high and to the right. How high I am, How much I see, How far I reach, Depends on me. The HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA is a barbequeued OYSTER! Yum! Who to himself is law no law doth need, offends no law, and is a king indeed. Hindsight is an exact science. Hippogriff, n.: An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full of surprises. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Hire the morally handicapped. History books which contain no lies are extremely dull. History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion - i.e. none to speak of. - Lazarus Long History is bunk. The ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice. History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history. History repeats itself; historians repeat each other. Hlade's Law: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person - they will find an easier way to do it. Hmmm, a PINHEAD, during an EARTHQUAKE, encount "But I don't like Spam!" Hoare's Law of Large Problems: Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account. Must I hold a candle to my shames? A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while the police officer searches you. Holly: Rude alert! Rude alert! An electrical fire has knocked out my voice-recognition unicycle! Many Wurlitzers are missing from my database! Abandon shop! This is not a daffodil! Repeat: This is not a daffodil! Rimmer: Well, thankfully, Holly's unaffected. Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it. - Rex Reed I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on sports jacket and take off my brain. All holy piety in public, and all peeled grapes and self-indulgence in private. - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME. "Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor. An honest God is the noblest work of man. An honest politician is one who when bought stays bought. An honest tale speeds best being plainly told. Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. - F. M. Hubbard Honesty's the best policy. The honeymoon is that short period of doting between dating and debting. Honi soit la vache qui rit. Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..." Honk if you love peace and quiet. In honor of National Secretary's Week, enlightened employers should know the correct way to spell "praise". Without the "p". Honorable, adj.: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" You will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause. I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day. All hope abandon, ye who enter here. Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper. Hope is a waking dream. I HOPE WE ARE NOT GOING TO HAVE ANY OF THIS 'FOUL FIEND' BUSINESS AGAIN. - Death gets summoned by the college council, Terry Pratchett, Eric The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise. Man's horizons are bounded by his vision. Horngren's Observation: Among economists, the real world is often a special case. Said a horny young girl from Milpitas, "My favorite sport is coitus." But a fullback from State Made her period late, And now she has athlete's fetus Hors d'oeuvres - a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces. Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. - W. C. Fields A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse! Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses? - G. Gordon Liddy A hospital for fags only - there are no Doctors or Nurses, just Aides. Hotels: A place where TRAVELLING HUMANS are parked at night. Other humans bring them food, including the famous BACON, LETTUCE AND TOMATO SANDWICH. There are beds and towels and special things that rain on people to get them clean. - A Scientific Encyclopedia for the Enquiring Young Nome by Angalo de Haberdasheri, Terry Pratchett, Wings Houdini escaping from New Jersey! My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them. My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except you have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH. "My house is your house", his brow suddenly furrowed and he looked worried, "although only in a metaphorical sense, you understand, because I would not, much as I always admired your straightforward approach, and indeed your forthright stance, actually *give* you my house, it being the only house I have, and therefore the term is being extended in an, as it were, gratuitous fashion --" Owlglass was clearly having some trouble getting to the end of the sentence. - Carpet philosophers at work, Terry Pratchett, The Carpet People In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out." Man 2: House! You were lucky to live in a house! We had to all live in one room, all twenty-six of us, no furniture, half the floor was missing, and we're all huddled together in a corner for fear of falling! Man 3: You were lucky to have a room! We used to 'ave to live in corridor! Man 1: Oh, we used to DREAM of living in a corridor. It would have been a palace to us. We used to have to live in an old water tank in a rubbish tip. We got woke up every morning by having a load of rotting fish dumped all over us! House! Huh! Man 4: Well, when I say house, it was only a hole in the ground covered by a sheet of tarpaulin, it was a house to us! Man 2: We were evicted from our hole in the ground. We had to go and live in a lake! Man 3: You were lucky to have a lake! There were a hundred and fifty of us, living in shoebox in middle of road! Man 1: Cardboard box? You were lucky. We lived for three months in a paper bag in a septic tank. We used to have to get up at six in the morning, clean the paper bag, eat a crust of stale bread, go to work down at mill, fourteen hours a day, week in, week out, for sixpence a week, and when we got home, our dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt. The only way housework could be done in this place was with a shovel or, for preference, a match. - Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad DON'T go!! I'm not HOWARD COSELL!! I know POLISH JOKES, WAIT!! Don't go!! I AM Howard Cosell! And I DON'T know Polish jokes!! Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole. - John Valby Howe's Law: Everyone has a scheme that will not work. However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional manner - sulking and nausea. - Tom K. Ryan Hugh Hefner is a virgin. The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best". - H. Allen Smith Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. I bet the human brain is a kludge. - Marvin Minsky To err is human but to err.. err.. err is tantamount to a speech defect! To err is human but to really mess things up you need a computer. Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a uretheral catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize. In any human endeavor, work seeks the lowest hierarchical level. The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity - the rest is overhead for the operating system. The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange protein - it rejects it. - P. Medawar The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. - Mark Twain - "What's the human singing about, Thing?" said Masklin. - "It is a little difficult to follow. However, it appears that the singer wishes it to be known that he did something his way." - "Did what?" - "Insufficient data at this point. But whatever it was, he did it at a) each step along life's highway and b) not in a shy way..." - Terry Pratchett, Wings To err is human, but to really mess things up you need a computer. To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy. To err is human, to forgive is out of the question. You humans are all alike. Don't be humble, you're not that great. - Golda Meir If I had any humility I would be perfect. - Ted Turner Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs. Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse. - William Gilbert Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. - John Kenneth Galbraith Humpty Dumpty was pushed! Hurewitz's Memory Principle: The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to ... to ... uh ... I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say. "My husband commits an inconceivable act of perversion with a barnyard animal, and it's not central to my case?!" "Not in California." - Arnie Becker discusses marital infidelities on L.A. LAW I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St. Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE, IT'S TIME FOR "HEE HAW"!' - Berke Breathed, "Bloom County" Once, a hygenist said to me, "Wow! I've never seen so much calculus on the front of the teeth before." So I said something like, "That's flattering, but I REALLY think you should know that I'm involved in a SERIOUS relationship. Thanks anyway for the compliment." Hyphenate between syllables and avoid un-necessary hyphens. I will never lie to you. I've been there. Ibid you already know. - More Discworld philosophers, Terry Pratchett, Pyramids Q. How many IBMers does it take to change a light bulb? A. 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. "I like the idea of democracy. You have to have someone everyone distrusts," said Brutha. "That way, everyone's happy." - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned. Idealism increases in direct proportion to one's distance from the problem. Your ideals evaporate as the heat of competition increases. IDIOT Idiot Box, n.: The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. - Rich Hall, "Sniglets" God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board. - Mark Twain Idiot, n.: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" An idle mind is worth two in the bush. The idle mind knows not what it is it wants. Idleness is leisure gone to seed. Idleness is the holiday of fools. Your ignorance cramps my conversation. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion. - Robert Burton Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out. Ignore previous fortune. The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit longer. - Henry Kissinger You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular. Illinois isn't exactly the land that god forgot - it's more like the land he's trying to ignore. Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. - Jules de Gaultier Your imagination resembles the wings of an ostrich. He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet. Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk storage, a screen resolution of 1024 x 1024 pixels, relies entirely on voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. What's the first question that the computer community asks? Is it PC compatible? "This isn't how I imagined it, chaps," said War. "I haven't been waiting for thousands of years just to fiddle around with bits of wire. It's not what you'd call *dramatic*. Albrecht Duerer didn't waste his time doing woodcuts of the Four Button-Pressers of the Apocalypse, I do know that." - Armageddon delayed by technical difficulties, Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a KOSHER DELI. All art is but imitation of nature. Immanuel Kant was a real pissant Who was very rarely stable. Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar Who could think you under the table. David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel, And Wittgenstein was a beery swine Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel. There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 'Bout the raising of the wrist. Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed! John Stuart Mill, of his own free will, On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill. Plato, they say, could stick it away Half a crate of whiskey every day. Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle, Hobbes was fond of his dram, And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am" Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed; A lovely little thinker But a bugger when he's pissed! - Monty Python In the immortal words of the captain of the Titantic, "Where did all this fucking ice come from?" Immortality - a fate worse than death. - Edgar A. Shoaff Impartial, adj.: Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Use IF...ELSE IF...ELSE IF...ELSE... to implement multi-way branches. Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading it. You have an important role as a negative example. The most important thing in life is to love someone. The second most important thing in life is to have someone love you. The third most important thing is to have the first two happen at the same time. - Howie Schneider The important thing is not to stop questioning. It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. - Woody Allen You will be imprisoned for contributing your time and skill to a bank robbery. Incompetence plus incompetence equals incompetence. Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree. - Profesoor W There are *no* inconsistencies in the Discworld books; ocassionally, however, there are alternate pasts. - Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett Did I do an INCORRECT THING? It is incumbent on us to avoid archaisms. Incumbent, n.: Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy. - Mark Twain The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. - Insurance claim The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people. - Donald N. Smith, President of Burger King You are ALL individuals. Yes. We are all individuals. I'm not. Indomitable in retreat; invincible in advance; insufferable in victory. Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? You have a will that can be influenced by all with whom you come in contact. Information Center, n.: A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to tell you why you cannot have the information you require. Information is the inverse of entropy. Ingrate, n.: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion. Ingres is not a necessary precursor to Egress. The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Desert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. - A history student You will inherit millions of dollars. You will inherit some money or a small piece of land. And IBM shall inherit the earth ... if we aren't careful. Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax. It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg. - Thomas Jefferson Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. - Martin Luther King, Jr. Now and then an innocent man is sent to the Legislature. Innovation is hard to schedule. - Dan Fylstra Make input easy to proofread. Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed. Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. Insanity is the final defense. It's hard to get a refund when the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon. Inside every large problem, there is a small problem trying to get out. You insist on asking me to talk to you. It really is tiresome. I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious! In most instances, all an argument proves is that two people are present. I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. Institute: An archaic school where football in not taught. There are two instruments worse than a clarinet. Two clarinets. Never insult an alligator until you have crossed the river. You are an insult to my intelligence! I demand that you log off immediately. God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. - Kronecker Integrity has no need for rules. A very intelligent turtle Found programming UNIX a hurdle The system, you see, Ran as slow as did he, And that's not saying much for the turtle. If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire. If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet. If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears. If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads. God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little. The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty. I do not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman, not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and water is not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night! - Rev. Henry Ward Beecher My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there. It's an interesting fact that fewer than 17 % of Real cats end their lives with the same name they started with. Much family effort goes into selecting one at the start ("She looks like a Winnifred to *me*"), and the as the years roll by it suddenly finds itself being called Meepo or Ratbag. - Terry Pratchett, The Unadulterated Cat Internal consistency is valued more than efficient service. Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some people it is a complete substitute for life. - Andrew Brown, The Independent Interpreter, n.: One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. "INVALID CMS COMMAND" is just VM's way of saying "Booga, Booga!" We will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love. We will cry over things we used to laugh and Our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile Creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then and In the end a summer with wild winds and new friends will be. To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. - Thomas Edison Man invented alcohol, God invented grass. Who do you trust? Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. - Lily Tomlin INVENTORY Four be the things I am wiser to know: Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. Four be the things I'd been better without: Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. Three be the things I shall have till I die: Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. He who invents adages for others to peruse takes along rowboat when going on cruise. $100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. - Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" Q. How many investment brokers does it take to change a light bulb? A. MY GOD! IT BURNT OUT!! SELL ALL MY G.E. STOCK NOW!!! Q. How many investment brokers does it take to change a light bulb? A. Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. - Insurance claim You will be invited to dine with many important people. Once. Q. How many irishmen does it take to change a light bulb? A. Ten. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder. Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets. No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas. Issawi's Laws of Progress: The Course of Progress: Most things get steadily worse. The Path of Progress: A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. Did an Italian CRANE OPERATOR just experience uninhibited sensations in a MALIBU HOT TUB? An Italian is COMBING his hair in suburban DES MOINES! To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. Jack and the Beanstack by Mark Isaak Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it to him. So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, he met the traveling salesman. "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman in high-level language. "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips and Apples," commented Jack. "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she started thrashing. "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the window. Jack the Ripper excused himself on the grounds that it was human nature. Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session. Jaime had never realised that trees made a sound when they grew, and no-one else had realised it either, because the sound is made over hundreds of years in waves of twenty-four hours from peak to peak. Speed it up, and the sound a tree makes is *vrooom*. - Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens Jake liked his women the way he liked his kiwi fruit: sweet yet tart, firm-fleshed yet yielding to the touch, and covered with short brown fuzzy hair. James Bond asked his ATT rep for a source licence to "kill". Not *the* Jane Harrington? Jane 'Bury Me in a Y-shaped Coffin' Harrington? - Edmund Blackadder Why JANET/Usenet/Internet is like a penis: * It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done. * In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time. * It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before. * It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late. * If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses. * It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. * We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. * If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble. * It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?" * Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it. * Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do. Jenkinson's Law: It won't work. If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun of it. - Thomas Carlyle Jesus rose from the dead and the apostles came unto him saying "How's Elvis?" Jesus Saves - Johnson scores on the rebound. Jesus saves, Moses invests, but only Buddha pays dividends. Jesus won't cut you off before you're through With him you won't never get a crossed line, And when your bill comes it'll all be properly itemised He's the telephone repairman on the switchboard of my life. The phone line to the saviour's always free of interference He's in at any hour, day or night And when you call J-E-S-U-S you always call toll-free He's the telephone repairman on the switchboard of my life. - Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens Q. What's Jewish foreplay? A. Two hours of begging. An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. "Well, Zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an hour seems like a minute." The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?" - Arthur Naiman ANN JILLIAN'S HAIR makes LONI ANDERSON'S HAIR look like RICARDO MONTALBAN'S HAIR! John Birch Society: That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy. - Edward P. Morgan Who was John Spiller? Johnny had seen films of American shopping malls. They must have different sorts of people in America, he'd thought. They all looked cool, all the girls were beautiful, and the place wasn't crowded with little kamikaze grandmothers. - Terry Pratchett, Johnny and the Dead In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. - Ambrose Bierce Johnson's First Law: When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the most inconvenient possible time. A pig is a jolly companion, Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt - A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, Though mountains may topple and tilt. When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you, When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig, Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover, You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig, You'll never go wrong with a pig! - Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" Jone's Law: The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. Jone's Motto: Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. Jones' First Law: Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction to its progress - in direct proportion to the importance of their original contribution. Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it. Q. How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin to break the bulb in the first place. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Jack. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair. Q. How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? A. One, but it takes at least three light bulbs. LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves. The jungle drums throbbed wildly in the distance, warning him away with a brief but dire message: "The broccoli casserole is burnt!" - Pat Walker, Garden Grove, Ca. Q. How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Oh wow, is it like dark, man? Justice delayed is justice denied. Freedom defined is freedom denied. Justice is incidental to law and order. - J. Edgar Hoover Justice, n.: A decision in your favor. To be is to do. - I. Kant To do is to be. - A. Sartre Yabba-Dabba-Doo! - F. Flinstone The Kappamaki, a whaling research ship, was currently researching the question: How many whales can you catch in one week? - Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens Who was Karl Danz? My Karma ran over my dogma. Kasha: Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only one problem with this difinition: what the fuck are "buckwheat groats"? I know what they are - they're kasha. But that doesn't help you much. Katz' Law: Man and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted. Always keep a record of data - it shows you've been working. If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend. How do you keep a turkey in suspense? Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans. If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away. Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis. Keep grandma off the streets - legalize bingo. I keep hearing that Jesus Christ is coming, but nobody knows his tour dates. - Michael Lucas If you keep saying things are going to be bad, you have a chance of being a prophet. - Isaac Bashevis Singer Keep you Eye on the Ball, Your Shoulder to the Wheel, Your Nose to the Grindstone, Your Feet on the Ground, Your Head on your Shoulders. Now, try to get something DONE! To keep your friends, treat them kindly; to kill them, treat them often. The Kennedy Constant: Don't get mad - get even. Kermit has decided not to dabble in the commodities markets any longer. He lost his wad in pork bellies. Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students, and parking for the faculty. Keyboard not responding. Press ENTER to continue. - PC error message Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts. Did any of them kids have some space alien with a face like a friendly turd in a bike basket? - Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens Kids! Bringing about Armageddon can be dangerous. Do not attempt it in your home. - Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens Hi, kids! Ed Barbera here! Kill a commie for Christ! When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite. - Winston Curchill, On formal declarations of war There is only one way to kill capitalism - by taxes, taxes, and more taxes. Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. - Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" The Killer Ducks are coming! He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter. He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is. One can always be kind to people about whom one cares nothing. Be kind to your inferiors, if you can find any. You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word. - bumper sticker Your kindness and generosity cause envy in a powerful person nearby. There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too. - Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" A king's castle is his home. If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me! - "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920) Kinkler's First Law: Responsibility always exceeds authority. Kinkler's Second Law: All the easy problems have been solved. Kirk to Enterprise - beam down Yeoman Rand and a six-pack. You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly - only sooner than she thought you would. I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie. Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today. Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o'Sunday. If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction. On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is also a psychological interaction. The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so friendly. The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. Kiss your keyboard goodbye! Kisses are a better fate than wisdom. Klaatu barada nikto. Klein bottle for rent - inquire within. Kleptomaniac, n.: A rich thief. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Kludges are conceived of man's natural fallibility, nourished by his loyalty to erroneous opinion, and perfected by the human capacity to apply maximum effort only when proceeding in the wrong direction. - New Scientist 22 Dec. 1966 pg. 699 (from oed2, on-line OED) I knew I should never have taken that left turn at Albuquerque. We are the knights who say, "NIE!" Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam. Did you know ... that no-one ever reads these things? Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him. "I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU," he said, "BUT I COULD MURDER A CURRY." - Death addresses his new apprentice, Terry Pratchett, Mort You will know happy motorcyclist by the insects on his teeth. You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach. Q. Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb? A. No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law. You know how to win a victory Hannibal, but not how to use it. You will never know hunger. I'd like to know if I could compare you to a summer's day. Because -- well, June 12th was quite nice, and... - Terry Pratchett, Wyrd Sisters Do you know Montana? You know my motto: Forgive and uh ... the other thing. I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. - Albert Einstein I know on which side my bread is buttered. Did you know that clones never use mirrors? We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny. Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the US? You know that you are over the hill - when the mind makes a promise that that your body can't fill. I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York. You know the price of everything and the value of nothing. All men know the utility of useful things, but not many know the utility of futility. Know thyself. If you need help, call the CIA. Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. - Henry N Camp Q. Do you know what the death rate around here is? A. One per person. When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly. "I don't know what you mean by 'glory,'" Alice said. Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't - till I tell you. I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'" "But glory doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice objected. "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean - neither more nor less." "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean so many different things." "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master - that's all." - Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" You don't know what you want, and are willing to go through hell to get it. If you know what you're doing, how long it will take, or how much it will cost, it isn't research. It is now 10 PM. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? - Elizabeth Carpenter Now I know where they get chicken legs and chicken wings and chicken breasts but it must be one sick farmer who goes out to get the chicken (Mc)nuggets! And just where, pray tell, do they get chicken fingers? Hmmmm? I saw what you did and I know who you are. I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining IQ levels with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE! Don: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she pretty? W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia. Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative. W. C.: It's almost impossible. - W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles" I know you're supposed to take life one day at a time - but lately several days have attacked me at once. You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it. Don't I know you? - "Do you know, humans think the world was made by a sort of big human?" - "Get away?" - "It took a week." - "I expect it had some help, then," said Dorcas. - The Nomes discuss religion, Terry Pratchett, Diggers "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young!" "Why, what did she tell you?" "I don't know, I didn't listen!" - Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. - Weisert "You know," said Windle, "it's a wonderful afterlife." - Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man "A man could go far, knowing his rights like you do," said Granny. "But right now he should go home." - Terry Pratchett, Wyrd Sisters Knowledge is power. Is knowledge knowable, and how do we know? Knowledge without common sense is folly. A well-known friend is a treasure. If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. - Albert Einstein He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened. He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough. No one knows what he can do till he tries. He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know. A new koan: If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. It is an ice cream koan. The kraken stirs. And ten billion sushi dinners cry out for vengeance. - Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr): The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. - Rich Hall, "Sniglets" The end of labor is to gain leisure. Labor, n.: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" The labyrinth of Ephebe is ancient and full of one hundred and one amazing things you can do with hidden springs, razor-sharp knives, and falling rocks. - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. Lackland's Laws: 1. Never be first. 2. Never be last. 3. Never volunteer for anything. Lactomangulation, n.: Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. - Rich Hall, "Sniglets" Ladies and gentleman, we have just found out that we have a very special passenger with us. Today he is celebrating his 100th birthday. So let's all give a big hand to the pilot! The ladies men admire, I've heard, Would shudder at a wicked word. Their candle gives a single light; They'd rather stay at home at night. They do not keep awake till three, Nor read erotic poetry. They never sanction the impure, Nor recognize an overture. They shrink from powders and from paints. So far, I've had no complaints. - Dorothy Parker There once was a lady from Exeter, So pretty that men craned their necks at her. One was even so brave As to take out and wave The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. Lady Ramkin's bosom rose and fell like an empire. - Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards! A lady with one of her ears applied To an open keyhole heard, inside, Two female gossips in converse free - The subject engaging them was she. "I think", said one, "and my husband thinks That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" As soon as no more of it she could hear The lady, indignant, removed her ear. "I will not stay," she said with a pout, "To hear my character lied about!" - Gopete Sherany Laetrile is the pits. Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves. In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead. - Egyptian Book of the Dead To the landlord belong the doorknobs. When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half loop? Langsam's Laws: 1. Everything depends. 2. Nothing is always. 3. Everything is sometimes. RPG is not a language (see JCL). Often used to destroy high-speed band printers with a slip of the fingers during coding. ADA is not a language because the military uses it. Any language chosen by an organization that pays $7000 for a toilet is not a language. C++ -- The language in which only friends can access your private members. A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is not worth knowing. A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program in than some that do. - Dennis M. Ritchie JCL is not a language. Anything that runs on an IBM mainframe and ENJOYS it is not a language. PL/1 is not a language. It's a dialect first spoken by dinosaurs and later implemented in order to scare CompSci majors into new career choices. APL is not a language. It's a plot to sell customized keycaps and to cause your numeric keypad to wear out before the rest of your keyboard. EFL is not a language. It's a way of writing FORTRAN code without admitting to using FORTRAN. Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone. A large dog will have a surprising effect on your life. A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work by being declared to work. - Anatol Holt What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away. By and large, the only skill the alchemists of Ankh-Morpork had discovered so far was the ability to turn gold into less gold. - Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures By and large, the only skill the alchemists of Ankh-Morpork had discovered so far was the ability to turn gold into less gold. - Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures Larkinson's Law: All laws are basically false. Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her? What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever. They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the applications for. - Dave Barry I once met a lassie named Ruth In a long distance telephone booth. Now I know the perfection Of an ideal connection Even if somewhat uncouth. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives. You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler. The last person who said that, God rest his soul, lived to regret it. Your last program has been deemed unsuitable by the file server software and has been deleted. War is the last refuge of incompetent statesmen. Last tour of Bolshoy Theatre through United States finished unusually. All the artists came back to Soviet Union. The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away. This last weekend I was reminded at the pace we are converting to metric. I was on I-75 in Ohio when I saw a sign that said All signs metric next 20 miles - "Have you any last words?" - YES. I DON'T WANT TO GO. - "Well. Succinct, anyway." - Death at the other end of the scythe, for once, Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. At last, a chance to tell you how much I hate the way you thump my keys. Computers have feelings too. How late it is for the time of day! It is later than you think. To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools. Laugh at your problems; everybody else does. Laugh when you can; cry when you must. But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard example of ancient nonsense - the debate about angels on pinheads - makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a finite or an infinite number. - S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds" Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either. He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke. He who laughs, lasts. Laughter is the closest distance between two people. - Victor Borge What, no LaunchPad McQuack? Laundry increases exponentially in the number of children. - Miriam Robbins Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk. The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and robbers there will be. - Lao Tsu Laws of Computer Programming: 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer. 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. 6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output. 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it. As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. - Albert Einstein Laws of Serendipity: 1. In order to discover anything, you must be looking for something. 2. If you wish to make an improved product, you must already be engaged in making an inferior one. He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides. Q. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A. How many can you afford? Q. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A. Whereas the party of the first part hereinafter refered to as "The Lawyer" and the party of the second part hereinafter refered to as "The Bulb" do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein The Bulb shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties to whit the lighting elucidation and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door through the entryway terminating at an area just inside the primary living area demarcated by the beginning of the carpet any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of The Bulb and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include but not be limited to the following steps: (i) The Lawyer shall with or without elevation at his option by means of a chair stepstool ladder or any other means of elevation grasp The Bulb and rotate same in a counter-clockwise direction this point being non-negotiable. (ii) Upon reaching a point where The Bulb becomes separated from the party of the third part ("The Receptacle") The Lawyer shall have the option of disposing of The Bulb in a manner consistent with all applicable state local and federal statutes. (iii) Once separation and disposal have been achieved The Lawyer shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("The New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step (i) of this document being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction this point also being non-negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed at the option of The Lawyer by any or all persons authorized by him the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part ("The Partnership"). Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats - approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back you've really achieved something. You can lead a horticulture, but you cannot make her think. You can lead a zealot to knowledge, but you can't make one THINK! If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. Lead on, MacDuff! You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. What we learn from history is that we do not learn from history. Do not learn the tricks of the trade - learn the trade. If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. Learn to pause - or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you. Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to? - Clarence Darrow I have learned To spell hors d'oeuvres Which still grates on Some people's n'oeuvres. - Warren Knox Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads. She's learned to say things with her eyes that others waste time putting into words. Too much learning is bad for the imagination. Learning without thought is labor lost; thought without learning is perilous. You could get a new lease on life - if only you didn't need the first and last month in advance. At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. - J. B. White There's at least one fool in every married couple. When the least they could do to you was everything, then the most they could do to you suddenly held no terror. - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods Leave no stone unturned. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. My car was legally parked as I backed into the other vehicle. - Insurance claim Q. What do you do with a dog with no legs? A. Take it for a drag. Leibowitz's Rule: When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you hold the hammer with both hands. Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you. Do not lend money to a fiend. Even God lends a hand to honest boldness. I'm a Leo. Leos don't believe in this astrology stuff. - Tom Neff Q. How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb? A. Three. One to change it and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man. One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course, simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good, nobody can touch Him. - John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983 Lesser-known programming languages 10 - SIMPLE SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging. Lesser-known programming languages 12 - LITHP This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said to be useful in protheththing lithtth. Lesser-known programming languages 13 - SLOBOL SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. Lesser-known programming languages 17 - SARTRE Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties. Lesser-known programming languages 18 - C- This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL. Lesser-known programming languages 18 - FIFTH FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND. The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers who end up using this language. I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter. - Blaise Pascal Is a letter quite the same When processed by electronic brain? And will the chips and wires Render your words of love so carefully wrought With all the tender nuances you sought? Or simply turn those deep felt yearnings Into some multinational's earnings. Letter to the Editor (The Times of London) Dear Sir, I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry. Yours faithfully, Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, JP Sevenoaks Lewis's Law of Travel: The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever. Liar, n.: A lawyer with a roving commission. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Liar: One who tells an unpleasant truth. Liberace was great on the piano, but sucked on the organ. I am told that the first thing he did with his new car was to blow the horn. A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist. LIBRA (Sep 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of Venereal disease. LIBRA (Sep 23 - Oct 22) Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that. The Librarian looked out at the jolting scenery. He was sulking. This had a lot to do with the new bright collar around his neck with the word "PONGO" on it. Someone was going to suffer for this. - The Librarian travels incognito, Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies The librarian was, ex officio, a member of the college council. No-one had been able to find any rule about orang-utans being barred, although they had surreptiously looked very hard for one. - Unseen University politics at work, Terry Pratchett, Eric Use library functions. There was a new library in the Civic Centre. It was so new it didn't even have librarians. It had Assistant Information Officers. - Terry Pratchett, Johnny and the Dead Lieberman's Law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. There is life after death: in Cleveland, people are still allowed to vote. If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. All of life is a blur of Republicans and meat! All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance. Life is a game of bridge - and you've just been finessed. Life is a mystery and it's an unsolvable one. You simply live it through, and, as you draw your last breath you say, "What was that all about?" - Marlon Brando If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where to go. Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string. My life is completely meaningless. When I consider its various epochs, then my life goes like the word Schnur in the dictionary, which means firstly a string, and secondly a daughter-in-law. The only thing missing is that the word Schnur in the third place should mean a camel, and fourthly a dust brush. - Soren Kierkegaard Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about. Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's hard you get fucked. Life is like a sewer - what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. - Tom Lehrer Life is like an onion - you peel off layer after layer, and find nothing in it. If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss. Life is one long struggle in the dark. Life is that brief interlude between nothingness and eternity. Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure. Life is uncertain, eat dessert first! Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans. Life may have no meaning - or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go. His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler. The life which is unexamined is not worth living. Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret. You may now log in to life. Password: What is Life? It's the cereal Mikey likes. Do I have a lifestyle yet? To light a candle is to cast a shadow. The light at the end of the tunnel is probably the headlamp of an oncoming train. The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon. A light wife doth make a heavy husband. *No-one* liked the Joshua N'Clement block. There were two schools of thought about what should be done with it. The people who lived there thought everyone should be taken out en then the block should be blown up, and the people who lived *near* the block just wanted it blown up. - Terry Pratchett, Johnny and the Dead A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility. Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is? This limerick is so FILTHY that it would offend even you. So I'll put "di-dah" for the filthy words. Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah, Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah; Di-dah di-dah di-dah? Di-dah di-dah di-dah. Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck. A limerick packs laughs anatomical Into space that is quite economical. But the good ones I've seen So seldom are clean, And the clean ones so seldom are comical. Limericks are art forms complex, Their topics run chiefly to sex. They usually have virgins, And masculine urgin's, And other erotic effects. Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations. This is a one line proof (if we start sufficiently far to the left). - peter@cbmvax.cbm.commodore.com On-line, adj.: The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer. An INK-LING? Sure - TAKE one!! Did you buy any COMMUNIST UNIFORMS? Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe we should think only about today. Charlie Brown: No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get better. The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. - Woody Allen LISP is not a language. LISP is a way to give young programmers instruction in matching brackets in source code. A Lisp programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing. - Alan Perlis LISP: To call a spade a thpade. I'll listen to reason when it comes out on Compact Disc. If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up. From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance. You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop. How about a little fire, scarecrow? There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong. If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house. - Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" There's little in taking or giving, There's little in water or wine: This living, this living, this living, Was never a project of mine. Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is The gain of the one at the top, For art is a form of catharsis, And love is a permanent flop, And work is the provence of cattle, And rest's for a clam in a shell, So I'm thinking of throwing the battle - Would you kindly direct me to hell? - Dorothy Parker There is a little known psychological theory that all women subconciously want to be piano players. Pianist envy. Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. - Don Vonada Little progress can be made merely by repressing what is bad. Our great hope lies in developing what is good. When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice. You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money. So, do you live around here often? Two can live as cheaply as one for half as long. - Howard Kandel You will live by the side of the road and help some pilgrim along life's way. If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. - Graham Summer We all live in a state of ambitious poverty. Live in the past and future only. May you live in uninteresting times. Are we live or on tape? You will live to see your grandchildren. Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. Let us live! Let us love! Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls! You first. Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom." The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!" But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delights to lift us free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this adventure. But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the rocks, making legends of a Saviour. If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all his windows. - Yiddish saying He who lives by the sword eats with bloody hands. He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes. Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes. You could be living instead of watching phosphor dots light up on a computer monitor. Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun. Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before. Lizzie Borden took an axe, And plunged it deep into the VAX; Don't you envy people who Do all the things YOU want to do? Have you locked your file cabinet? Her locks an ancient lady gave Her loving husband's life to save; And men - they honored so the dame - Upon some stars bestowed her name. But to our modern married fair, Who'd give their lords to save their hair, No stellar recognition's given. There are not stars enough in heaven. Lockwood's Long Shot: The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't one in a million, but once would be enough. Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells AWFUL. This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88 LOGO is not a language. It's a way to simulate 'skid marks' made by turtles with serious bowel control problems. It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as high as the eagle? Lonely is a man without love. Lonely men seek companionship. Lonely women sit at home - they never meet. How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. You will have a long and boring life. You will have a long and healthy life. You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor. As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular. - Oscar Wilde Long computations which yield 0 are probably all for naught. If you put it off long enough, it might go away. Long life is in store for you. In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble. - Alan Perlis Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do. A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price. You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business. The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself. - Henry Kissinger The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate. Look afar and see the end from the beginning. Look after the molehills and the mountains will take care of themselves. Oh, wow! Look at the moon! Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. How you look depends on where you go. Look ere ye leap. As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay. Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you. Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars. Look out where those huskies go, don't you eat that yellow snow. - Frank Zappa Look out! Behind you! You look tired. Look under the sofa cushion; you will be surprised at what you find. Look, Muth tracks! Look, sir, 'droids! He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered. When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN. I am looking for an honest man. Why are you looking for more knowledge when you do not pay attention to what you already know? If it looks easy, it's tough. If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible. It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. He who looks like his passport photo is not well enough to travel. The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as we could with both of them. - (Major Major's father) Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with? Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled Sunkist. - The Begatting of a President This is Lord Mountjoy Quickfang Winterforth IV, the hottest dragon in the city. It could burn your head clean off. - Captain Vimes addresses a band of rioters, Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards! Lord, what fools these mortals be! Who was Lorrie Duval? The lorry blocked the road. And the corrugated iron blocked the road. And a thirty-foot-high pile of fish blocked the road. It was one of the most effectively blocked roads the sergeant had ever seen. - Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens You will lose an important file. Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!" I lost a button hole today. Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy! A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never. Make lots of money, enjoy the work, operate within the law: choose two. - Brian Anderson Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost. God must love assholes - She made so many of them. Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the world has ever seen. Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love. Why does love have to be so sad? Love is a word that is constantly heard, Hate is a word that is not. Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. Love, I have read, is hot. But hate is the verb that to me is superb, And Love but a drug on the mart. Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, But Hating, my boy, is an Art. - Ogden Nash When love is gone, there's always justice. And when justice is gone, there's always force. And when force is gone, there's always Mom. Hi, Mom! - Laurie Anderson To love is good, love being difficult. Love is in the offing, said the homicidal maniac. Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you. Love is sentimental measles. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. - H. L. Mencken I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC. We're going away now. I fed the cat. - Zippy Your love life will be happy and harmonious. Your love life will be interesting. Make love not war. From too much love of living, From hope and fear set free, We thank with brief thanksgiving, Whatever gods may be, That no life lives forever, That dead men rise up never, That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea. - Swinburne You love peace. My love runs by like a day in June, And he makes no friends of sorrows. He'll tread his galloping rigadoon In the pathway or the morrows. He'll live his days where the sunbeams start Nor could storm or wind uproot him. My own dear love, he is all my heart - And I wish somebody'd shoot him. - Dorothy Parker God must love the common man; He made so many of them. Love the sea? I dote upon it - from the beach. Love thy neighbor. Tune thy piano. I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it. I'd love to go out with you, but I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist. I'd love to go out with you, but I have some really hard words to look up. I'd love to go out with you, but I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat. I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore. I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in "Y". I'd love to go out with you, but I promised to help a friend fold road maps. I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my blender. I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my garage door. I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian. I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling. I'd love to go out with you, but I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. I'd love to go out with you, but I'm going downtown to try on some gloves. I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered. I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture. I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving. I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma transplant. I'd love to go out with you, but I've dedicated my life to linguini. I'd love to go out with you, but I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. I'd love to go out with you, but it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. I'd love to go out with you, but it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish. I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night. I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV. I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never came back. I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to say tuned. I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that need worrying about. I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium." Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science. I love treason but hate a traitor. Oh, when I was in love with you, Then I was clean and brave, And miles around the wonder grew How well did I behave. And now the fancy passes by, And nothing will remain, And miles around they'll say that I Am quite myself again. - A. E. Housman I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours. Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to. You love your home and want it to be beautiful. Love's Drug My love is like an iron wand That conks me on the head, My love is like the valium That I take before me bed, My love is like the pint of scotch That I drink when I be dry; And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise. My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet, And a wild young wood-thing bore him! The ways are fair to his roaming feet, And the skies are sunlit for him. As sharply sweet to my heart he seems As the fragrance of acacia. My own dear love, he is all my dreams - And I wish he were in Asia. - Dorothy Parker "He's in love," said Gaspode. "It's very tricky." "Yeah, I know how it is," said the cat sympathetically. "People throwing old boots and things at you." - Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures "This is a lovely party," said the Bursar to a chair, "I wish I was here." - The Bursar is a man under a *lot* of stress, Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies Your lover will never wish to leave you. She loves you as much as she can, which is not very much. Lowery's Law: If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug. The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others. It is bad luck to be superstitious. - Andrew W. Mathis Your lucky color has faded. 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Lucky for you this isn't a bomb! Your lucky number has been disconnected. Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere. It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction. I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK. Lunatic asylum, n.: The place where optimism most flourishes. You are lustworthy. Man 2: Luxury! We used to have to get out of the lake at six o'clock the morning, clean the lake, eat handful of damp gravel, work twenty-hour day at mill for tuppence a month, and when we got home, our dad would thrash us to sleep with a broken bottle, if we were lucky! Who was Tom Lyon? Do you have lysdexia? Lysistrata had a good idea. Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement. MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thoughts. - Winston Churchill I like having a machine called 'elvis' on the network because that way, I can say 'ping elvis' and have it come back with 'elvis is alive'. Let the machine do the dirty work. God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. Is this a machine? I don't talk to machines! [Click] All machines are amplifiers. Machines should work; people should think. Q. How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. None. You have to replace the whole motherboard. Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender. - W. C. Fields Madame Tracy had even removed most of the Major Arcana from her Tarot card pack, because their appearance tended to upset people. - Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens [In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour. You could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning. And that, I think, was the handle - the sense of inevitable victory over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no point in fighting - on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost see the high-water mark - the place where the wave finally broke and rolled back. - Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? - Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" It's an old magical principle -- it's even filtered down into RPG systems -- that magic, while taking a lot of effort, can be 'stored' -- in a staff, for example. No doubt a wizard spends a little time each day charging up his staff, although you go blind if you do it too much, of course. - Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett What is a magician but a practising theorist? - Obi-Wan Kenobi Q. How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb? A. Into what? Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" You are magnetic in your bearing. Magnocartic, adj.: Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts. - Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" Magpie, n.: A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Magrat was annoyed. She was also frightened, which made her even more annoyed. It was hard for people when Magrat was annoyed. It was like being attacked by damp tissue. - Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad Q. How many Mahayana Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb? A. Four. One to change the light bulb, one to not change the light bulb, one to not not change the light bulb, and one to not do any of these. Maier's Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. Corollaries: 1. The bigger the theory, the better. 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to obtain a correspondence with the theory. Can you MAIL a BEAN CAKE? You have mail. You might have mail. You don't have mail. One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs. - Robert Firth I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!" Main's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. Maintainer's Motto: If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread. - Anatole France Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man. Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and BSD UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. Majority, n.: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg. Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files. - System V.2 administrator's guide Malek's Law: Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. And malt does more than Milton can To justify God's ways to man - A. E. Housman Hey, all the mammals that I have known will *never* forget me. Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history, dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first primitive umpire. What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers. - Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" Manners are especially the need of the plain - the pretty can get away with anything. Manual, n.: A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information you need in in the others. - Ray Simard When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. - The Wall Street Journal Who was Mark Linton? Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer. Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, and such as are out wish to get in? - Ralph Emerson When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws. Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. - Voltaire In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy. Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth. He married that Palliard girl, remember? The one with the air-cooled teeth? - Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them. Mars is essentially in the same orbit ... somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe. - Vice President Dan Quayle Q. How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. One and a half. The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a soda can, when discarded will last forever and a $7,000 car which when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years. Q. How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. Mary had a little. Ass, n.: The masculine of "lass". I'm a masochist. I like to have a cold shower every morning. So I don't! Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy. You have a massage. (From the Swedish prime minister.) Q. How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. None. The Universe spines the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way. Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it! Math Major Slogan: "A good integral is better than sex!" If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by the page number. Q. What does a mathematician do before he drinks tea? A. He drinks t - 1. A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems. A mathematician named Hall Has a hexahedronical ball, And the cube of its weight Times his pecker's, plus eight Is his phone number - give him a call. Mathematicians do it in theory. Q. How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. None. It's left to the reader as an exercise. Mathematicians practice absolute freedom. Mathematicians take it to the limit. Mathematics is the language God used to write the universe. Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. - M. C. Reed. Q. What's the mating call of the blonde? A. "I'm *sooo* drunk!" Q. What's the mating call of the brunette? A. "All the blondes have gone home!" Matrimony is the root of all evil. Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence. Where can the matter be Oh dear, where can the matter be When it's converted to energy? There is a slight loss of parity. Johnny's so long at the fair. Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a receipt. No matter how fast light travels it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it. - Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would. No matter what occurs, someone believes it happened according to his pet theory. No matter what she did with her hair it took about three minutes for it to tangle itself up again, like a garden hosepipe in a shed. (Which, no matter how carefully coiled, will always uncoil overnight and tie the lawnmower to the bicycles). - Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last step of doing away with computers altogether? - Jehan Shuman I don't see why it matters what is written. Not when it's about people. It can always be crossed out. - Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens But was he mature enough last night at the lesbian masquerade? Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. - Jules Feiffer Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. - R. S. Barton Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it. Mayor Vincent J `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed: "They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men and a virgin in the whole organization." You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different. You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike. McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom: If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95. Meader's Law: Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to everyone you know, only more so. You mean I can send mail to myself? What does it mean if there is no fortune for you? It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. - Oxford University Press, Edpress News kwd DOES NOT mean kwic write and destroy! "You mean mysterious ancient races of Amazonian princesses who subject all male prisoners to strange and exhausting progenitative rites?" said Eric, his glasses beginning to fog. - Terry Pratchett, Eric What is the Meaning of Life? There is no meaning, it's just a consequence of complex carbon based chemistry; don't worry about it. - The Super 76, "Free Aspirin and Tender Sympathy", Las Vegas Strip. If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with green, baggy skin. If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. "I meant," said Iplsore bitterly, "what is there in this world that makes living worthwhile?" Death thought about it. "CATS," he said eventually, "CATS ARE NICE." - Death is obviously not a dog person, Terry Pratchett, Sourcery Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees. - A history student You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on the continuing viability of Fortran. - Alan Perlis "The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out." - Computer Translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak". "Meat pies! Hot sausages! Inna bun! So fresh the pig h'an't noticed they're gone!" - Genuine pig portion packages, Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger. Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, especially simian ones. They are not all that subtle. - Terry Pratchett, Lords And Ladies Only a mediocre man is always at his best. - W. Somerset Maugham Meditation is not what you think. The meek shall inherit the earth - they are too weak to refuse. You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life. You will soon meet a stranger who will become your friend. You will soon meet a strangler who will become your fiend. You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally. Meeting, n.: An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or department not represented in the room must solve a problem. He is the MELBA-BEING, the ANGEL CAKE, XEROX him, XEROX him! LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand. New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within. Q. How many members of the Mission Impossible force does it take to change a light bulb? A. Five. While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high-wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States. Q. How many members of the USS Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb? A. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The security officers are promply killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission. This will be a memorable month - no matter how hard you try to forget it. A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer. Memory should be the starting point of the present. Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife. Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped. Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can never hope to acquire it. H. L. Mencken's Law: Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Martin's Extension: Those who cannot teach, administrate. Are you mentally here at Pizza Hut? When you mention something, if it's bad, it happens, if it's good, it goes away. Menu, n.: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. The more the merrier. Meskimen's Law: There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to redo it. Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it. A metaphor is like a simile. It's a metaphor of human bloody existence, a dragon. And if that wasn't badenough, it's also a bloody great hot flying thing. - Captain Vimes ponders his problems Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards! Methinks sometimes I have as few wits as a Christian. - William Shakespeare, Twelfth Night, I, iii, 85. Q. Why do Mexicans have big noses? A. So they will have something to pick in the off-season. Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Only two, but how the hell do they get in? Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch. Micro Credo: Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, don't we all? Let them eat micros. Q. how many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A. None - they just change the industry standard to darkness. He microwaved himself something called a Pour-On Genuine Creole Lasagne, which said it served four portions. It did if you were dwarfs. - Terry Pratchett, Only You Can Save Mankind In the Middle Ages King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery and King Harold musterded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free men should be hanged twice for the same offense. - A history student In the middle of chaos a voice spoke to me: "Laugh and be happy for it could be worse!". I smiled and was happy and it got worse. In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the times was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. - A history student The pen is mightier than the pencil. Mikhail Gorbachev believed in omens. He thought that the bird following him around was the dove of peace. It was just a pigeon warning "Coo, coo, coo." Mikhail Gorbachev was on vacation at his summer home in the Crimea when his close advisors placed him under house arrest and staged a coup. Upon hearing the news at his summer home in Kennebunkport, President Bush rushed back to Washington, cutting his vacation short. Looks like Bush learned at least one lesson from recent events. Miksch's Law: If a string has one end, then it has another end. 186,282 miles per second: It isn't just a good idea, it's the law! It's 106 miles to Chicago. We've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses. Hit it! - The Blues Brothers Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. - Groucho Marx Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. - Groucho Marx If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. - Susan Ertz Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their lives for the next four years. Consider all the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the black. - Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery" Do you mind if I smoke? I don't care if you burst into flames and die. Are we THERE yet? My MIND is a SUBMARINE!! His mind is like a steel trap - full of mice. - Foghorn Leghorn My mind is like a well oiled precision clock. It also goes cuckoo occasionally. Your mind understands what you have been taught; your heart, what is true. Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your halfbreed interference. Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail. It's all in the mind, ya know. What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind. - Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875 Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner. They say that every minute a man gets run down on the streets of London. Why doesn't he simply get the heck out of the way? - Viktor Fougstedt The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't. One minute I'm just another rabbit and happy about it, next minute *whazaam*, I'm thinking. That's a major drawback if you're looking for happiness as a rabbit, let me tell you. You want grass and sex, not thoughts like 'What's it all about, when you get right down to it?' - Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures That's two minutes from now. Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. Misery no longer loves company; nowadays it insists on it. Misfortune, n.: The kind of fortune that never misses. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Misfortune. May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts Miss, n.: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could have poured on a waffle. Q. How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb? A. 101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change light bulbs too. Missionary position: The missionary on top. Never mistake activity for action. The big mistake that men make is that when they turn thirteen or fourteen and all of a sudden they've reached puberty, they believe that they like women. Actually, you're just horny. It doesn't mean you like women any more at twenty-one than you did at ten. - Jules Feiffer (Cartoonist) If you make a mistake, you right it immediately to the best of your ability. The Pig, if I am not mistaken, Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. Let others think his heart is big, I think it stupid of the Pig. - Ogden Nash Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure. I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming that I have never made one. - James Gordon Bennett The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything. You will be misunderstood by everyone. Mitchell's Law of Committees: Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it. MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed) Pastry to two crust 9" pie 36 RITZ Crackers 2 cups water 2 cups sugar 2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tblspns lemon juice Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine Cinnamon Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break RITZ Crackers coarsley into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices. - Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon. Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII. Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC. Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue. Moderation in all things. Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess. ... all the modern inconveniences ... - Mark Twain Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings. Mole problems? Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23. Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? Molecule, n.: The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented it wasn't worth doing. There are moments when art attains almost to the dignity of manual labor. Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life. On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks. - H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" Monday, n.: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" I never did like Mondays. - Mikhail Gorbachev, on being ousted from the Soviet Presidency If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it. Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship. Money is the root of all evil, and everyone needs roots. Money is the root of all wealth. Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love. They say money talks - mine only knows how to say goodbye. Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places. Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years. Even monkeys can be taught to press buttons you know. The Monks of Cool, whose tiny and exclusive monastery is hidden in a really cool and laid-back valley in the lower Ramtops, have a passing-out test for a novice. He is taken into a room full of all types of clothing and asked: Yo, my son, which of these is the most stylish thing to wear? And the correct answer is: Hey, whatever I select. - Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies Why is there only one Monopolies Commission? The moon is made of green cheese. The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away. A moose once bit my sister. Mophobia, n.: Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian. Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo. - H. G. Wells It is morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and the police. - Mr. Dooley "You like it?" he said to Mort, in pretty much the same tone of voice people used when they said to St George, "You killed a *what*?" - Mort tastes scrumble for the first time, Terry Pratchett, Mort Moses supposes his toeses are roses, but Moses supposes erroneously. Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd be out of a job. The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey. - Andy Warhol 1st gay: My mother made me a homosexual. 2nd gay: If I gave her the wool would she make me one too? I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater. Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before. Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries! You'll never be the man your mother was! A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture - of handcuffs. Motto of the Electrical Engineer: Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it stays up as long as you don't fuck with it. Q. Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? A. To prevent the sensible ones from going home. Your mouth works faster than your brain. You say things you haven't even thought. Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash. - Bo Diddley You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina. He moved in a way that suggested he was attempting the world speed record for the nonchalant walk. - Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on. "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an extracurricular activity except you." "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" "Only to ten, Mudhead." - Firesign Theater "He's muffed it," said Simony. "He could have done *anything* with them. And he just told them the facts. You can't inspire people with facts. They need a cause. They need a symbol." - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods Multics is security spelled sideways. Multiple exclamation marks, are a sure sign of a diseased mind. - Something that Terry feels strongly about, because a similar quote also appears in "Reaper Man", Terry Pratchett, Eric Mumble. Murphy was an optimist. Murphy's Discovery: Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in trouble! Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway. Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. Murphy's Law of Research: Enough research will tend to support your theory. Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to prison. They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation movement. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced to death. The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have any lasts requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to Murray. "This is crazy!", Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he spits in the sergeants face. "Murray!", Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." - Arthur Naiman Music in the soul can be heard by the universe. A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite nice," he replied, "but don't you think it would be better if ..." "If what?" asked the composer. "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?" Mustgo, n.: Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so long it has become a science project. - Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" Mustrum Ridcully did a lot for rare species. For one thing, he kept them rare. - Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies A muth once bit my sister. The MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!! Q. How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb? A. Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end. Mythology, n.: The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd. Naeser's Law: You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof. The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt. At ... My name is, uh, ... Never mind, forget it! Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? What is your name? Sir Brian of Bell. What is your quest? I seek the Holy Grail. What four lowercase letters are not legal flag arguments to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'? I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE! - Mark-Jason Dominus Q. What do Nancy Reagan and an IUD have in common? A. They're both stuck up cunts. Nancy Reagan wants divorce old Ron. Seems he's making it hard for everyone but her. Nanny Ogg looked him up and down or, at least, down and further down. "You're a dwarf," she said. - Nanny Ogg meets Casanunda, Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad Nanny Ogg quite liked cooking, provided there were other people around to do things like chop up the vegetables and wash the dishes afterwards. - Home Pragmatics, Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad Nanu nanu! Napoleon: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he says is wrong. Guiseppe: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says will be right. - George Bernard Shaw, "The Man of Destiny" You are so narrow-minded you can see through a keyhole with both eyes. This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week. National security is in your hands - guard it well. The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says "Support your right to bare arms!" Being natural is simply a pose. Man is by nature a political animal. Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter. Nature abhors dimensional abnormalities, and seals them neatly away so that they don't upset people. Nature, in fact, abhors a lot of things, including vacuums, ships called the "Marie Celeste", and the chuck keys for electric drills. - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it. By nature, men are nearly alike; by practice, they get to be far apart. Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed. Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. - Abraham Lincoln I can be neat, I can be efficient, but why make everyone else look bad? Necessity has no law. Necessity is a mother. Necessity is the mother of invention. By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to invent. - R. Emerson - Quoted from a fortune cookie program (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.") You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows. - Bob Dylan To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse. I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. - Bill Hoest You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll be dead. You need not worry about your future. You still need the last file you removed. You get the most of what you need the least. But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable computers? One will not have needed the future perfect in one's entire life. A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed. Who needs companionship when you can sit alone in your room and drink? Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink? Neestiko arkoudi dhen horevee. Negative expectations yield negative results. My neighbour has a circular driveway. He can't get out. Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so. Newlan's Truism: An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. NEWS FLASH! Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West German pole-vault champion. There is news. *** NEWSFLASH *** Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey! Details at eleven! Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction. Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. Next comes the realist phase ("After all, from a purely geometrical point of view a cat is only a tube with a door at the top."). - Getting Real cats to take medication can be a problem, Terry Pratchett, The Unadulterated Cat Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year. It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting icepacks. - The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" The next six days are dangerous. Next time you listen to Creedence Clearwater Revival's "There's a Bad Moon on the Risin'" see if you can avoid hearing it as "There's a bathroom on the right". Give it a go. Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund. - F. J. Raymond Next Wednesday you will be presented with a great opportunity. As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a nose bleed, which usually cures them of that. - Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" What will a nice girl do? She won't give an inch, but she won't say no. Nice guys get sick. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from. - Andrew S. Tanenbaum It would be nice to say that the tiny frogs thought long and hard about the new flower, about life in the old flower, about the need to explore, about the possibility that the world was bigger than a pool with petals around the edge. In fact, what they thought was: "._._.mipmip._._.mipmip._._.mipmip". - Terry Pratchett, Wings Oh, Nicky, you're such a tool. To do is to be - Nietzsche To be is to do - Sartre Do be do be do - Sinatra. To be is to do. - Nietzsche To do is to be. - Kant Do be do be do. - Frank Sinatra Yabba dabba doo. - Fred Flintstone Dooooohhhhh! - Homer Simpson One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TVs all over the world. This night methinks is but the daylight sick. "Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school. On nights such as these the gods, as has already been pointed out, play games other than chess with the fates of mortals and the thrones of kings. It is important to remember that they always cheat, right up to the end. - Terry Pratchett, Wyrd Sisters Nihilism doesn't exist. Nihilism should commence with oneself. Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into (Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but Americans call him by value. Who is this "Nimoy" person? USS Enterprise, Admiral Spock, commanding. Nine megs for the secretaries fair, Seven megs for the hackers scarce, Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs, Three megs for system source; One disk to rule them all, One disk to bind them, One disk to hold the files And in the darkness grind 'em. The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers. - A history student Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. No it isn't! Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest. Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Nobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise. He nodded to the troll which was employed by the Drum as a splatter [footnote: Like a bouncer, but trolls use more force]. - Nobby takes Carrot for a drink in The Mended Drum, Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards! Boy, n.: A noise with dirt on it. Nomes live ten times faster than humans. They're harder to see than a high-speed mouse. That's one reason why most humans hardly ever see them. The other is that humans are very good at not seeing things they know aren't there. And, since sensible humans know that there are no such things as people four inches high, a nome who doesn't want to be seen probably won't be seen. - Terry Pratchett, Wings Noncombatant, n.: A dead Quaker. - Ambrose Bierce Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong. None of you understand. I'm not locked up in here with you. YOU'RE locked up in here with ME. - Rorschach sets people straight. WATCHMEN 6 Norman is so stupid, mind readers charge him half price. My NOSE is NUMB! Put your Nose to the Grindstone! - Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd. My dog has no nose. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes, nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home. I do note with interest that old women in my books become young women on the covers. This is discrimination against the chronologically gifted. - Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett Doc, note, I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod. Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon. Sigmund is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman - unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful not to make any poultry jokes. - Woody Allen Nothin' ain't worth nothin', but it's free. There's nothin' wrong with bein' a son of a bitch. - Gaspode the wonder dog, Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures When you ain't got nothin', you got nothin' to lose. Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to eat. - John McNulty Like I always say - nothing can beat the BRATWURST here in DUSSELDORF!! When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will. Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. Nothing endures but change. Nothing ever goes away. What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? - Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" I am a man - nothing human is alien to me. Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. Nothing is as easy as it looks. Nothing is as it seems. Nothing is better than Sex. Masturbation is better than nothing. Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex. Nothing is but what is not. Nothing is ever a complete failure; it can always serve as a bad example. Nothing is faster than the speed of light. To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the light comes on. Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done. Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. - Andrew Young Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it. Nothing is so firmly believed as which is least known. To do nothing is to be nothing. There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. Nothing recedes like success. - Walter Winchell There is nothing so easy that it becomes difficult when done with reluctance. Nothing succeeds like a parrot. Nothing succeeds like excess. Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. - Charlie Brown There is nothing that can be in our way, for this is Jekub, that Laughs at Barriers, and says brrm-brrm. - From the Book Of Nome, Jekub, Chap. 3, v. V, Terry Pratchett, Diggers Only those with nothing to be sorry for smile back at the rear of an elephant. If you have nothing to say, please only say it once! Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act, hesitate. Nothing will ever happen to you. There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure. - David Mairowitz Having nothing, nothing can he lose. Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you just how busy they are. Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk? Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time for play? The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the 80-column card. - Dennis M. Ritchie November, n.: The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce. - Winston Churchill Q. How many nuclear scientists does it take to change a light bulb? A. 10: 1 to install the new one and 9 to decide what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. [Nuclear war] may not be desirable. - Edwin Meese III Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. Mrs. Nugent was the Johnson's next door neighbour, and known to be unreasonable on subjects like Madonna played at full volume at 3 a.m. - Terry Pratchett, Johnny and the dead Nuke 'em 'til they glow. The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice. A number of religions in Ankh-Morpork still practiced human sacrifice, except that they didn't really need to practice any more because they had got so good at it. - Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards! Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing. Nydia found one of the drawbacks of being a werewolf was coming into heat during a full moon and giving birth to decituplets. - R. W. O'Bryan, Perrysburg, Ohio I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!? What is objectionable, what is dangerous about extremists is not that they are extreme, but that they are intolerant. The evil is not what they say about their cause, but what they say about their opponents. - Robert F. Kennedy The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems when called upon. However, When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp. Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear. - Don Ravey It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" The obvious answer is always overlooked. And so the obvious phallic symbolism of Wolverine's claws provides a counterpoint to the Oedipal blindness motif of Cyclops' ruby visor. - Carl Rigney Occasionally, I go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture. Occident: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient. Ocean, n.: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills. If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will. Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. - Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977 Office Automation, n.: The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee. When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat. The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate Planning." Ogden's Law: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. Oh ... log-off. In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you. - Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. Q. What is the oldest furniture in the world? A. The arithmetic table. One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "SOMEBODY has to buy retail." - Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" Oliver's Law: Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. OLTION'S COMPLETE, UNABRIDGED HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE Bang! ...crumple. - Jery Oltion In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. - A history student The Omnians were a God-fearing people. They had a great deal to fear. - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods And then you bit onto them, and learned once again that Cut-me-own-Throat Dibbler could find a use for bits of an animal that the animal didn't know it had got. Dibbler had worked out that with enough fried onions and mustard people would eat *anything*. - A fact McDonalds knows about as well, Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures "Oook!" "Oook?" "Kneel and deliver!" - Casanunda, the worlds smallest lover turns highwaydwarf, Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies If 7-11's are open 24 hours a day, 1. Why are there locks on the doors? 2. Why are they called 7-11's in the first place? Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of bleeding, he sings. In my opinion, you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you. - Robert Thornton, economics professor, Lehigh University, Bethlehem, PA. Opinions are like assholes - everyones got one, but nobody wants to look at the other guy's. - Hal Hickman My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way. The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up until 5 or 6 pm. Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. - Neils Bohr There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the possible exception of the sword. - Benjamin Dana It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. - Phil White An optimist is a person who thinks he can break up a traffic jam by blowing his horn. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; the pessimist fears this is true. Optimization hinders evolution. The optimum committee has no members. - Norman Augustine What orators lack in depth they make up in length. In order to be, never try to seem. Oregano, n.: The ancient Italian art of pizza folding. Oregon, n.: Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday night. Q. How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience. Oregonians don't tan, they rust. Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. - Mike Adams A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive We have to get organized! Osborn's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't. The other car collided with mine without giving warnings of its intentions. - Insurance claim The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree. The other day, I was walking my dog around my building, on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. - "The other humans around it are trying to explain to it what a planet is." - "Doesn't it know?" - "Many humans don't. Mistervicepresident is one of them." - Terry Pratchett, Wings The other line moves faster. When all other means of communication fail, try words. The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!" The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me. Other people's tools work only in other people's gardens. "All the other prophets came back with commandments!" "Where they get them?" "I ... suppose they made them up." "You get them from the same place." - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails. An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it. You will outgrow your usefulness. You will outlive those who seek to destroy you. Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. - Groucho Marx Never try to outstubborn a cat. - Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" Overdrawn? But I still have cheques left! Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket. Overheard in a bar: Man: "Hey Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!" Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there." Overload - core meltdown sequence initiated. Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted. The overthrow of Gorbachev was so badly botched, I'm starting to wonder if it was thought up by the Coup Klutz Klan. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!! The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and has never be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business. Q. How many IBM PC owners does it take to change light bulb? A. Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra. Ozman's Laws: 1. If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't. 2. The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make. 3. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 4. Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo? One Page Principle: A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper cannot be understood. - Mark Ardis You are being paged. Many pages make a crowded castle. Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket bibles on very thin paper. Many pages make a thick book. Painting is the art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critics. A man paints with his brains and not with his hands. Palindrome isn't one. My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!! A paper ran an item staing that "The departing Mr. Smithers was a member of the defective bureau of the police force." The chief of police made a strong protest, whereupon the paper published an apology as follows: "Our announcement should have read "The detective branch of the police farce." On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: "This isn't right. This isn't even wrong." - Wolfgang Pauli Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world really isn't out to get you. Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you. Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. - D. J. Hicks Pardo's First Postulate: Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. Arnold's Addendum: Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats. Your parents were brothers. Parker's Law: Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. Parkinson's Fifth Law: If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. Parkinson's Fourth Law: The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done. Parkinson's Law of Cosmology: The Universe expands to fit the space available. Parsley is gharsley. As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs - a process that traditionally requires some debugging. - USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new computer system. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. That particular mistake will not be repeated. There are plenty of mistakes left that have not yet been used. - Andy Tanenbaum (ast@cs.vu.nl) It is always the partner's fault. Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. "I WAS AT A PARTY", he added, a shade reproachfully. - Death is summoned by the Wizards, Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic Pascal is not a high-level language. - Steven Feiner PASCAL is not a language. It was an experiment combining the flexibilty of C with that of a drug-crazed peguin. It is also the "language" of choice of many CompSci professors who aren't up to handling REAL programming. Hence, it is not a language. Pascal users shall inherit the Earth. BASIC users shall inherit the mess they create. Pascal Users: To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed. Pascal, n.: A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it. You will pass away very quickly. What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man's transparency. With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress. - Ransom K. Ferm As I was passing Project MAC, I met a Quux with seven hacks. Every hack had seven bugs; Every bug had seven manifestations; Every manifestation had seven symptoms. Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks, How many losses at Project MAC? Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. - Eric Hoffer Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity. The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant becasue it isn't here. - Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) Don't patch bad code - rewrite it. Patch griefs with proverbs. Patience is the best remedy for every trouble. Paul Revere was a tattle-tale Paul's Law: In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor. Pause for storage relocation. It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety. Peace, n.: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. - John F. Kennedy Peanut Blossoms 4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk 4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla 4 cups shortening 14 cups flour 8 eggs 4 tsp. soda 4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot. Pecor's Health-Food Principle: Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in it. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him. - Insurance claim A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. - Insurance claim In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves. A penny saved is ridiculous. Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them. - Joseph Heller Some people are discovered; others are found out. Some people are just TOO demanding. When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. - Calvin Coolidge When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. - George Bernard Shaw Most people are unenthusiastic about their work. Many people are unenthusiastic about your work. Some people call me a feminist when I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute. - Dame Rebecca West Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the Sun, but I have never been able to make out the numbers. Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. People didn't hit you over the head with farmhouses back home. - Nanny Ogg gets homesick, Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation. Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance. Some people fall for everything and stand for nothing. People have believed for hundreds of years that newts in a well mean that the water's fresh and drinkable, and *in all that time* never asked themselves whether the newts got out to go to the lavatory. - Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man People humiliating a salami! A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks. - Lew Col Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit them on the head. "What do people like to drink here, then?" The landlord looked sideways at his customers, a clever trick given that they were directly in front of him. - Mort goes out for a drink, Terry Pratchett, Mort The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the apparatus for a spectator sport. The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for castrating pigs during Sunday service. - Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of the future. Put people on hold when possible. People smart enough to give good advice are usually smart enough to give none. Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth, with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge you can't hear him talk. If people think nature is their friend, then they sure don't need an enemy. - Kurt Vonnegut If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you. People usually get what's coming to them, unless it's been mailed. These people were not only cheering, they were throwing flowers and hats. The hats were made of stone, but the thought was there. - Life among the primitive Discworld tribes, Terry Pratchett, Eric People who are grateful are usually good. People who are rather more than six feet tall and nearly as broad across the shoulders often have uneventful journeys. People jump out at them from behind rocks then say things like, "Oh. Sorry. I thought you were someone else." - Carrot travels to Ankh-Morpork, Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards! And to all those people who asked for an explanation, I say to you: I'm not telling you, you might steal my washing. People who buy 4-wheel-drive cars are inherently unstable. People who can least afford to pay rent pay rent. People who can most afford to pay rent build equity. People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito. People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them. People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they don't want it. - Ogden Nash For people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they will like. People who live in glass houses should undress in the dark. The people who really run organizations are usually found several levels down, where it is still possible to get things done. - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle. People who used magic without knowing what they were doing usually came to a sticky end. All over the entire room, sometimes. - Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first. People will buy anything that's one to a customer. People with no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them. Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do. - Bertrand Russell Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. - Frank Zappa Many people, meeting Aziraphale for the first time, formed three impressions: that he was English, that he was intelligent, and that he was gayer than a tree full of monkeys on nitrous oxide. - Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind. Whose? MINE! HA-HA! If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop. Two percent of zero is almost nothing. Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. "Confound those who have said our remarks before us." - Aelius Donatus Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things. The perfect guest is one who makes his host feel at home. If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!! YOU HAVE PERHAPS HEARD THE PHRASE THAT HELL IS OTHER PEOPLE? "Yes. Yes, of course." Death nodded. IN TIME, he said, YOU WILL LEARN THAT IT IS WRONG. - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods Perhaps it was because Nero played the fiddle that they burned Rome. Person 1: I simply cannot bear fools. Person 2: That's odd, apparently your mother could. A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry. The person sitting to the right of the person sitting to your left is a spy. The person sitting to your left is a spy. A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely called a liberal. The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes. "I'm a cat person, myself," she said, vaguely. A low-level voice said: "Yeah? Yeah? Wash in your own spit, do you?" - It's a dog's life, Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. Law of the Perversity of Nature: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. The Peter Principle: In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own incompetency Peter's Law of Substitution: Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after themselves. Peters hungry, time to eat lunch. Pets are always a great help in times of stress. And in times of starvation too, o'course. - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. - A history student Phasors locked on target, Captain. Many phenomena - wars, plagues, sudden audits - have been advanced as evidence for the hidden hand of Satan in the affairs of Man, but whenever students of demonology get together the M25 London orbital motorway is generally agreed to be among the top contenders for exhibit A. - Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens Philadelphia is not dull - it just seems so because it is next to exciting Camden, New Jersy. Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny. "What's a philosopher ?" said Brutha. "Someone who's bright enough to find a job with no heavy lifting," said a voice in his head. - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. - Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. My philosophy on life could be summed up as follows, hit them where it hurts, kick them when they're down, and do it first. His philosophy was a mixture of three famous schools -- the Cynics, the Stoics and the Epicureans -- and summed up all three of them in his famous phrase, "You can't trust any bugger further than you can throw him, and there's nothing you can do about it, so let's have a drink." - We meet Dydactylos the philosopher, Terry Pratchett, Small Gods Philosophy: unintelligible answers to insoluble problems. Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth. A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms. - George Wald "Are you a physicist?" "Me? I don't know anything about science!" "Marvellous! Ideal qualification!" - Terry Pratchett, Johnny and the dead Physicists do it with charm. The piano has been drinking My necktie's asleep The barstools need a haircut And the jukebox has to take a leek 16 shells from a thirty-ought-six Always pick on the correct idiom. If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose. One picture is worth a thousand words. See diagram below. One picture is worth more than ten thousand words. I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like. You will pioneer the first Martian colony. Pipe gives wise man time to think and fool something to stick in mouth. There was an old pirate named Bates Who was learning to rhumba on skates. He fell on his cutlass Which rendered him nutless And practically useless on dates. PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will probably get run over by a bus. PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small animals. It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit. The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it. - Dizzy Dean Pittsburgh Driver's Test 7. The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light but a steady left tail light. This means: a. one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn to call the problem to the driver's attention. b. the driver is signaling a right turn. c. the driver is signaling a left turn. d. the driver is from out of town. The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns. Pittsburgh Driver's Test 8. Pedestrians are: a. irrelevant. b. communists. c. a nuisance. d. difficult to clean off the front grille. The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely. I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here? - Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu. Never eat at a place called Mom's. When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. - Robert Heinlein This place has everything. The place looked as though it had been visited by Gengiz Cohen [footnote: hence the term "wholesale destruction"]. - Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies Never eat in a place with sliding doors unless you're crazy about raw fish. How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all? Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may be in owning a piece thereof. - National Lampoon, "Deteriorada" A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling by Mark Twain For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all. Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" - bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez - tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution. A man, a plan, a canal. Suez! There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they started debating who should be allowed to stay. The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over the world, the President explained that if he died then America would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley said, "Look! We're not solving anything like this! The only fair thing to do is to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes. When the plane you're on is late, the plane you need to transfer to is on time. This planet has - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy. - Douglas Adams One planet is all you get. I'll never get off this planet. When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary. - Thomas Paine If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the plantation and go home. - Eugene P. Gallagher I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes. Plastic explosives will be appropriate later in the week. There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic. - Lily Tomlin Q. What do you get when you play a country music record backwards? A. You get your job back, you get your wife back, you get your car back ... Never play cards with a man called Doc. God does not play dice with the universe. God does not play dice with the universe. - Albert Einstein Albert, stop telling God what to do. - Niels Bohr God does not play dice with the universe: He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players [i.e. everybody], to being involved in an obscure and complex variant of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who *smiles all the time*. - Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens God does not play dice. Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. - John Mason Brown, drama critic It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its novelty. Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but yours are kept forever - unread. One of them will last a reasonable man a lifetime. - Thomas Aldrich Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best. Please do not type quite so loudly. If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it. Please go away. Please have your master call my master. At his convenience? Thank you. Thank you. Please ignore previous fortune. Please put your brain in gear before engaging your mouth. Please take note: Please try to limit the amount of `this room doesn't have any bazingas' until you are told that those rooms are `punched out.' Once punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such. - N. Meyrowitz Please update your programs. Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means? I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine. - Robert Thornton, economics professor, Lehigh University, Bethlehem, PA. THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to `fortune'. Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute 30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug. A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs. There once was a plumber from Leigh, Who was plumbing his maid by the sea, Said she, "Please stop plumbing, I think someone's coming!" Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me." PLUNDERER'S THEME (to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius) Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation. Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations. Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. The plural of spouse is spice. E Pluribus Unix*. * Unix is a trademark of Bell Laboratories It had been in a pocket diary, and the names of the faraway places written on it were like magic -- Africa, Australia, China, Equator, Printed in Hong Kong, Iceland... - Terry Pratchett, Wings No poems can please nor live long that are written by water drinkers. As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. - Woody Allen A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits. Poets have tried to describe Ankh-Morpork. They have failed. Perhaps it's the sheer zestful vitality of the place, or maybe it's just that a city with a million inhabitants and no sewers is rather robust for poets, who prefer daffodils and no wonder. - Terry Pratchett, Mort Pohl's law: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. - Dr. Who The point is that descriptive writing is very rarely entirely accurate and during the reign of Olaf Quimby II as Patrician of Ankh some legislation was passed in a determined attempt to put a stop to this sort of thing and introduce some honesty into reporting. Thus, if a legend said of a notable here that "all men spoke of his prowess" any bard who valued his life would add hastily "except for a couple of people in his home village who thought he was a liar, and quite a lot of other people who had never really heard of him." - Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic No, no, no, what you do is, you get a gnu, then you point it at the driver and someone says, 'Look out, he's got a gnu!' and you say, 'Take us where we want to go or I'll fire this gnu at you!' - "Host Age at 10,000 Feet", Nome style, Terry Pratchett, Truckers I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering. - Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan The point that must be made is that although Herrena the Henna-Haired Harridan would look quite stunning after a good bath, a heavy-duty manicure, and the pick of the leather racks in Woo Hung Ling's Oriental Exotica and Martial Aids on Heroes Street, she was currently quite sensibly dressed in light chain mail, soft boots, and a short sword. All right, maybe the boots were leather. But not black. - Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic Some points to remember [about animals]: 1. Don't go to sleep under big animals, eg. elephants, rhinoceri, hippopotamuses; 2. Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the front of your clothes; 3. Don't pat certain animals, eg. crocodiles and scorpions or dogs you have just kicked. - Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" Q. How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb? A. Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike! The Poles have a saying about how communist governments rewrite history: "Only the future is certain; the past is always changing" Police: Good evening, are you the host? Host: No. Police: We've been getting complaints about this party. Host: About the drugs? Police: No. Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns? Police: No, the noise. Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? The neighbors? Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could ask the host to quiet things down? Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out onto the grass, moaning.) Host: See? Things are starting to wind down. A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way down a one-way street. Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving. Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. - Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries Political TV commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. He's just a politician trying to save both his faces. Politician, n.: From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or "face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence "polytetien", a person of two or more faces. - Martin Pitt Politicians do it to everyone. Politicians don't need to know anything - they can delegate their ignorance. Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest. Polymer physicists are into chains. God is a polythiest How apt the poor are to be proud. It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize. Lie, n.: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date. It's a poor workman who blames his tools. Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his name had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing Half a pound of tuppenny rice Half a pound of treacle That's the way the chimney smokes Pope Goestheveezl The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant B"ompzidaize was elected Landburgher of K"oln in 1653. - Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? - Art Hoppe Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today. There was an old man of the port Whose prick was remarkably short. When he got into bed, The old woman said, This isn't a prick; it's a wart! Positive expectations yield negative results. Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the `social sciences' is: some do, some don't. - Ernest Rutherford Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is meant to be discarded: That the whole point is to always see it as a soap bubble? Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable. It was possibly the most circumspect advance in the history of military manoeuvres, right down at the bottom end of the scale that things like the Charge of the Light Brigade are at the top of. - The City Watch takes action, Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards! A poster on a telephone pole in Oregon: Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help. Here I am in the POSTERIOR OLFACTORY LOBULE but I don't see CARL SAGAN anywhere!! Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it. Quit work and play for a while. Pour encourjay lays ortras. - Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards! If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven. Q. Why do they use powder soap on submarines? A. Because it takes longer to pick up. What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility. Power can corrupt, but absolute power is absolutely delightful. Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Power does not corrupt, fear corrupts; possibly the fear of losing power. Power is poison. Power is where power lies. There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely. You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact. Power, n: The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA. Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming. - J. P. McEvoy Practice yourself what you preach. Praise the sea; on shore remain. The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher, Were each of them once a kiddie. A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. Do I want one? God Forbiddie! - Ogden Nash Predestination was doomed from the start. You prefer the company of the opposite sex, but are well liked by your own. I'd prefer the non-smoking lifeboat, please. We prefer to speak evil of ourselves rather than not speak of ourselves at all. It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature human beings. - Playboy, January 1983 The preferred habitat of small change is under seat cushions. If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament. If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament. - Gloria Steinhem I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life. A preposition is not a word to end a sentence with. Your present plans will be successful. Preserve the old, but know the new. President Bush is trying to make up for the fact that the US was late for the last two world wars by being *really* punctual for this one. If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country. As President I have to go vacuum my coin collection! President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax. One day President Reagan, Chairman Brezhnev, the Pope, and a boy scout were flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down. Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four passengers! Brezhnev grabbed one of the parachutes and declared "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must be spared." And he jumped out of the plane. Then Reagan exclaimed "As leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for democracy." And with that he too jumped to safety. Now if you are following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and productive life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack." President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting. - The Washington Post Pressure is the normal force acting upon an engineer. Pretend to spank me - I'm a pseudo-masochist! A pretty young lady named Vogel Once sat herself down on a molehill. A curious mole Nosed into her hole - Ms. Vogel's OK, but the mole's ill. A pretty young maiden from France Decided she'd just take a chance. She let herself go, For an hour or so, And now all her sisters are aunts. Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: It's on the other side. Prevent security leaks. The price of greatness is responsibility. Every man has his price. Every price has its man. A priest asked, "What is Fate, Master?" And the Master answered, "It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness." "And that is Fate?" said the priest. "Fate? I thought you said 'Freight'!" responded the Master. "That's all right," said the priest, "I wanted to know what Freight was too." - Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man". As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change. - FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers [Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man - he loves to see him work. - Winston Churchill A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency. The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. Probable-Possible, my black hen, She lays eggs in the Relative When. She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now Because she's unable to postulate how. - Frederick Winsor You will probably marry after a very brief courtship. Probably the last man who knew how it worked had been tortured to death years before. Or as soon as it was installed. Killing the creator was a traditional method of patent protection. - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World. - Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success" No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances. No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere. The problem is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats developed cancer. - Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" No problem is too big it can't be run away from. - Linus Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand. The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it. - Glaser and Way The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop and take a rest. The problem with engineers is that they cheat in order to get results. The problem with mathematicians is that they work on toy problems in order to get results. The problem with program verifiers is that they cheat on toy problems in order to get results. The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. - Elizabeth Taylor The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. The problems with "Medflies" may have hurt Jerry Brown's chances to become a Senator. After all, if they won't allow California fruit out of the state, how is Brown going to get to Washington? If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. Law of Procrastination: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do. Procrastinators do it tomorrow. Q. How many procrastinators does it take to change a light bulb? A. One. But he'll wait until the light is better. I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. - Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" Profanity is the one language all programmers know best. A professor enters the lecture theatre and says "I will not begin the lecture until the room settles down." To which a voice from the back replies, "Go home and sleep it off then". Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130 midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam. Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30% A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. Q. How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. That's what grad students are for. I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob. - William F. Buckley Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. No program can be both completely general and internally consistent at the same time. Every program has (at least) two purposes: the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't. Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction - from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place. - IEEE Grid newsmagazine Q. Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up? A. Because DEC 25 = OCT 31 All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. Q. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A. 10, 1 to change it and 9 to write the documentation. Programmers don't sleep - they just park their heads Old programmers never die, they just become managers. Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address. Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit. Programming graphics in X is like finding sqrt(pi) using Roman numerals. - Henry Spencer The C Programming Language - A language which combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language. C, n.: A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or it isn't. - Ray Simard The C Programming Language: combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language. All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income. - Samuel Butler Pro is to con as progress is to Congress. A project not worth doing at all is not worth doing well. We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears. Never promise more than you can perform. Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword. Pronounce your prepositions, damn it! Proof by dogmatic assertion IS best. The proof of the pudding is in the eating. Proof Technique No. 1 - Proof by Induction This technique is used on equations with n in them. Induction techniques are very popular, even the military use them. SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction. We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n. We can take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 because it's just about n. QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?") Proof Technique No. 2 - Proof by Oddity SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs. 1. Horses have an even number of legs. 2. They have two legs in back and fore legs in front. 3. This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of legs fr a horse. 4. But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. 5. Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs. Topics covered in future issues include proof by: Intimidation Gesticulation (handwaving) "Try it; it works" Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...) Dogmatic assertion Changing all the 2's to n's Mutual consent Lack of a counterexample, and "It stands to reason" Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. You CAN propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. Proposals, as understood by the proposer, will be judged otherwise by others. Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them. Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and still come out ahead. We don't have to protect the environment - the Second Coming is at hand. - James Watt Old is when you go on a protest march because you think the exercise will do you good. Prototype designs always work. By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death. I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is -- I could be just as proud for half the money. - Arthur Godfrey There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding. - Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" Pssst. The root password is 'kumquat'. A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. Q. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A. Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change. Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it. Q. How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb? A. How many do you think it takes? A psychologist is someone who suffers from delusions of accuracy. Public schools are the nurseries of all vice and immorality. What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism. It's corporate feminism - a brand of feminism designed to sell books and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes, women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort." - Susan Gordon Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo. - "Pull me up, then," he hinted. - "I think that might be sort of difficult," grunted Twoflower. "I don't actually think I can do it, in fact." - "What are you holding on to, then?" - "You." - "I mean besides me." - "What do you mean, besides you?" said Twoflower. - Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic Pull yourself together; things are not all that bad. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. - Insurance claim Every purchase has its price. Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen. PURGE COMPLETE. A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone somewhere is having fun. Puritanism - The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. - H. L. Mencken If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get ice, but no cup. Putt's Law: Technology is dominated by two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage and those who manage what they do not understand. "The pyramid is opening!" "Which one?" "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" - Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At Once When You're Not Anywhere At All" Quack! Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world. Quality Control, n.: The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works. Quantity is no substitute for quality, but it is the only one we have. Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. - Ken Burnside - "What're quantum mechanics?" - "I don't know. People who repair quantums, I suppose." - Terry Pratchett, Eric Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. Q. What is a quartet? A. The Romanian Philharmonic Orchestra coming back from a tour. Dan Quayle's reaction on Monday to the news that Gorbachev had been deposed and the Vice-President had taken power: "Oh, have I really?" The question if a computer can think is as interesting as the question if a submarine can swim. The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim - Edsger W. Dijkstra It is not every question that deserves an answer. Your question was: int main(void) { while(1) fork() ; } /* ? */ And in response, thus spake the Oracle: chill(1), dude. To be or not to be - that is not a question! One of the questions that comes up all the time is: how enthusiastic is our support for UNIX? Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter what you look for - it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation - if you look long enough it's there. That's the difference - the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there. - Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984 To A Quick Young Fox: Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice? Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp - Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. - Lazy Dog Quick! Act as if nothing has happened! Why do you have so much quickness of movement if not to avoid responsibility? When I die, I want to go quietly In my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming, Like the passengers in his car. Quit looking at fortunes and get back to work! Don't quit now, we might just as well lock the door and throw away the key. Quit work and play for once! "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of that is - 'Be what you would seem to be' - or, if you'd like it put more simply - 'Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.'" All art is quite useless. If I had a quote, I'd be wearing it. - Bob Dylan Qvid me anxivs svm? QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]: 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [Colloq.] one thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [Anat.] a painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [Slang] person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert. - Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed. Racism was not a problem on the Discworld, because -- what with trolls and dwarfs and so on -- speciesism was more interesting. Black and white lived in perfect harmony and ganged up on green. - Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. The rain it raineth on the just, And also on the unjust fella, But chiefly on the just, because, The unjust steals the just's umbrella. When it rains, it pours. Rainy days and Mondays always get me down. The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas. Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity. Randel n. A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology for farting at a friend. - Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure & Preposterous Words. Only God can make random selections. The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi. Rank has its privileges. He had that rare weird electricity about him - that extremely wild and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope of ever behaving "normally." - Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" X-rated movies are all alike. The only thing they leave to the imagination is the plot. RATFOR is not a language. It's a oxymoron. Nobody that programs in Fortran is rational (unless they use it for coding adventure games. Then it's a real language in that context). What's a RATFOR? For adding ambience to an otherwise boring sewer expedition. I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. I'd rather that a bigot mistake me for a lesbian than that a lesbian mistake me for a bigot. - Tovah Hollander Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. - Oscar Wilde Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I saw at the airport. Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store. Does it bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won secrets of computer technology? Remember how all the lawyers cried foul when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are they taking no-fault insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store? - Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President Razors pain you; Rivers are damp; Acids stain you; And drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful; Nooses give; Gas smells awful; You might as well live. - Dorothy Parker You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession. Don't read everything you believe. Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV to plug her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself the following questions: 1. Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a food? 2. Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me? 3. Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as prescribed - without French-fried onion rings, pizza with double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like longer.) That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick. Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. Violators will be prosecuted. (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.)) If you can read this, thank a teacher. Read your Amdahl Business Practices. Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own. I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. Reading the small print is education; not reading it is experience. He who reads many fortunes gets confused. Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop quickly. - Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. - Winston Churchill Reagan can't act either. If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question. Q. How many Reagan supporters does it take to change a light bulb? A. Ten. One to deny that the bulb is burned out, one to clarify the denial: "The bulb is really just dim", one to blame the bulb burning out on the Carter-Mondale administration, one to blame the bulb burning out on the Congress, one to ask for a constitutional amendment that will prohibit bulbs burning out, one to replace the bulb with a kerosene lamp, one to borrow money from the Japanese to pay for the kerosene, one former Reagan supporter to lobby his old colleagues for a special favor for the kerosene importer, one to cash the check for investing in the kerosene importer, one to send the bill to the next generation. When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. You have no real enemies. If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw. - W. C. Fields One's real life is often the life that one does not lead. Q. How many real men does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. Real men aren't afraid of the dark. Q. How do Real Men know when a women has come? A. Real Men don't care. Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split before. Thus was the Empire forged. - "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Douglas Adams There's no real need to do housework - after four years it doesn't get any worse. A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works. A real person has two reasons for doing anything: a good reason and the real reason. Hah, I can just see a real playsmith putting *donkeys* in a play! - Terry Pratchett, Lords And Ladies Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room. Real Programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue. Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them? The real question for 1988 is whether we're going to go forward to tomorrow or past to the ... to the back! - Vice President Dan Quayle Real Time, adj.: Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there and then. God is real unless declared integer. - Allen W. Sherzer (aws@vax3.UUCP) God is real unless declared integer. - Patrick Steiner Q. How many real women does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. A real woman would have plenty of real men around to do it. UFO's are real. The Air Force doesn't exist. Reality - what a concept! Reality is an obstacle to halucination. Reality is for people who can't handle drugs. Reality is for people who can't handle science fiction. Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away" - Philip K. Dick It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things. There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, of course. - Encyclopadia Apocryphia, 1990 ed. Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the sky. - Rainer Rilke Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them? You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do. When will you realize Vienna waits for you? Well, I would - if they realized that we - again if - if we led them back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off. - President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile He'd never realized that, deep down inside, what he really wanted to do was make things go splat. - Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us. I'm really enjoying not talking to you. Let's not talk again REAL soon. Is this really happening? I really hate this damned machine I wish that they would sell it. It never does quite what I want But only what I tell it. I don't really love computers, I just say that to get them into bed with me. - Terry Pratchet. There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone. - Gloria Steinem God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things. - Pablo Picasso It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles. We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers. Really? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too! For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say "Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something. - Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the US. The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much. The reason that every major university maintains a department of mathematics is that it is cheaper to do this than to institutionalise all those people. We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation. - Lily Tomlin For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz. The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man. - George Bernard Shaw Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner. Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it. You will receive a legacy that will place you above want. Many receive advice, few profit by it. I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology - the study of milkmen. Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache. - Dolph Sharp, "I'm OK, You're Not So Hot" Recent headline in the Salt Lake Tribune: "American Tanks buried Iraqi Soldiers - Some Still Alive" Nah, they were all dead! Some of them said they weren't, but you know how those Iraqis lie. Recent investments will yield a slight profit. At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head under the exhaust of a bus until he revived. A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects. Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions. Recession: When a neighbour loses his job. Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results. Reclaimer, spare that tree! Take not a single bit! It used to point to me, Now I'm protecting it. It was the reader's CONS That made it, paired by dot; Now, GC, for the nonce, Thou shalt eclaim it not. You will be recognized and honored as a community leader. You may be recognized soon. Hide. You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite. ... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. - Ambrose Bierce You will have many recoverable tape errors. Recursion, n.: See recursion. 77. HO HUM - The Redundant ----- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of -- -- (8) extreme boredom. Your programs always ----- (7) bomb off. Your wife smells bad. Your --O-- (6) children have hives. You are working --X-- (9) on an accounting system, when you want -- -- (8) to develop the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex. Nine in the second place means: The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune. Six in the third place means: In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble! You are a very redundant person; that's what kind of person you are, redundant. (Referring to a glass of water) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody! She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot. - Mark Twain Reflected-sound-of-underground-spirits? - Economics explained, Terry Pratchett, The Colour Of Magic Reflections on Ice-Breaking Candy Is dandy But liquor Is quicker. - Ogden Nash Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree." - Russell Long To refuse praise is to seek praise twice. If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it. I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person. I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated that "if I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago." - Dennis Miller, SNL News No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars. I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce. - J. Edgar Hoover I have often regretted my speech, never my silence. You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier. "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the universe again." An unusually long pause followed, "but I don't know which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the starfield surrounding the ship. "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," ZORAC announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious." - James P. Hogan, "Giants Star" Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it. Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved? - Mark Twain I can relate to that. Of all my relations I like sex the most. A relationship is like a shark. It has to keep moving forward or it dies. Still, it was a relief to get away from that macabre sight. Gander considered that gnolls didn't look any better inside than out. He hated their guts. - Terry Pratchett, Equal Rites Religions revolve madly around sexual questions. A remarkable race are the Persians; They have such peculiar diversions. They make love the whole day, In the usual way, And save up the nights for perversions. Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph. - Jim Samuels You will remember something that you should not have forgotten. Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Cleveland. - National Lampoon, "Deteriorada" Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else. Remember the Alamo. We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking. - F. G. Withington Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last. I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep." Remember to say hello to your bank teller. I'm so old I can remember when shirt manufacturers put their labels on the inside. Remember, A Dragon is For Life, Not Just for Hogswatchnight - Motto of The Sunshine Home for Sick Dragons in Morphic Street, Please Leave Donations of Coal by Side Door, Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies Remember, even if you win the rat race - you're still a rat. So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence. - Bertrand Russell Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty! Remembering is for those who have forgotten. The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me. The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter, Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Guttenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumsised the world with a 100-foot clipper. - A history student Q. How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat tyre? A. Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tyres. Q. How long does it take? A. It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them. Q. What happens if you've got TWO flats? A. They replace your generator. Never repeat a successful experiment. Can you repeat the part after `Listen very carefully'? Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. Replace repetitive expressions by calls to a common function. You can be replaced by this computer. I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. Reporter to Mahatma Gandhi: Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization? Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. Reporter, n.: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. - Vice President Dan Quayle Reputation is what others are not thinking about you. If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a great deal of repetion can be found in your work if you reread it. Research is to see what everyone else has, and then think what no one else has. Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. - Wernher von Braun Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. - Wernher von Braun Our research shows that even double-clicking can be hard concept for some new users to grasp. - John Cook, Apple consumer product manager Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.) Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and omit it when its not needed. I can resist anything but temptation. Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get another chance later on. Like the ski resort full of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. - Alan McKay I don't get no respect. If only I could be respected without having to be respectable. God rest ye CS students now, Let nothing you dismay. The VAX is down and won't be up, Until the first of May. The program that was due this morn, Won't be postponed, they say. Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, Comfort and joy, Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. The bearings on the drum are gone, The disk is wobbling, too. We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol Can't tell false from true. And now we find that we can't get At Berkeley's 4.2. (Chorus) It is not resultful to transform one part of speech into another by suffixing or other alterings. Your resume will be used on the "Tonight Show" monologue. Retribution will be yours. In retrospect, Victor was always a little unclear about those next few minutes. That's the way it goes. The moments that change your life are the ones that happen suddenly, like the one where you die. - Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always respect their good judgement. I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. -English Professor, Ohio University It was revealed this week that the Contras are breaking up, because one of them is dating Yoko. - Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children! Review Questions 1. If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 kph and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship? 2. If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week? 3. If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice? The revolution will not be televised. The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. - Emerson You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed. I *never* rewind the video tapes I return to the video store. I *intentionally* don't. Rhode's Law: When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or personal comfort or any combination of the above, or none of the above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe. No man is rich enough to buy back his past. Riches cover a multitude of woes. - Rico Tudor Rick Steiner is so stupid, he once stayed up all night to study for a urine test. In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. Our symptotes no longer out of phase, We shall encounter, counting, face to face. - Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" Make it right before you make it faster. The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. "'Tis not right, a woman going into such places by herself." Granny nodded. She thoroughly approved of such sentiments so long as there was, of course, no suggestion that they applied to her. - Terry Pratchett, Wyrd Sisters Right, you bastards, you're... you're geography. - Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards! All right, you degenerates! I want this place evacuated in 20 seconds! That's right," he said. "We're philosophers. We think, therefore we am. - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods "All right," said Masklin. "But you're not to fly down low again and try to read the signposts. Every time you do that, humans rush into the streets and we get lots of shouting on the radio." "That's right." said the Thing. "People are bound to get excited when they see a ten-million-ton starship trying to fly down the street." - Terry Pratchett, Wings Man 4: Right. I had to get up at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down at mill and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our mother and father would kill us and dance on our graves singing Halleluja. Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane. Riker to Picard, I have both good news and bad news. The good news is that Wesley has opened that door at the shaft bottom for us by an adept transformation of gravitational potential energy into kinetic energy. The bad news is he seems to have survived the drop. Rincewind had been told that death was just like going into another room. The difference is, when you shout, "Where's my clean socks?", no-one answers. - Terry Pratchett, Eric O'Riordan's Theorem: Brains x Beauty = Constant. Purmal's Corollary: As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity, availability goes to zero. The ripest fruit falls first. Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall. He is now rising from affluence to poverty. - Mark Twain But to risk we must, for the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. For the man or woman who risks nothing, has nothing, does nothing, is nothing. - From the eulogy for the late Christa McAuliffe. You're at the end of the road again. The road to Hades is easy to travel. The road to hell is paved with NAND gates. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. - Insurance claim What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank? - Bertold Brecht I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman. - Vice President Dan Quayle A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. - Antoine de Saint-Exupery Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention: Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will reject the proposal. As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free variable." You roll my log, and I will roll yours. A rolling stone gathers no moss. Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office automation? The Roman Rule: The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it. Rome was not built in one day. ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve. There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us. There's no room in the drug world for amateurs. The only rose without thorns is friendship. Rotten wood cannot be carved. Confucius (Analects, Book 5, Ch. 9) There is no royal road to geometry. With a rubber duck, one's never alone. - Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" Rudin's Law: If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it every time. The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't take it too seriously. - Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London: Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat. Rule of Creative Research: 1. Never draw what you can copy. 2. Never copy what you can trace. 3. Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. Rule of Defactualization: Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. Rule of Feline Frustration: When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you wilm suddenly have to go to the bathroom. Ray's Rule of Precision: Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. Rule of the Great: When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. Rules for driving in New York: 1. Anything done while honking your horn is legal. 2. You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on. 3. A red light means the next six cars may go through the intersection. One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas. RULES OF EATING - THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED 1. Never eat on an empty stomach. 2. Never leave the table hungry. 3. When traveling, never leave a country hungry. 4. Enjoy your food. 5. Enjoy your companion's food. 6. Really taste your food. It may take several portions to accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned. 7. Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks? 8. Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal. 9. Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You can always eat it later. 10. Avoid any wine with a childproof cap. 11. Avoid blue food. - Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet" Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish. Is your job running? You'd better go catch it! Q. How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb? A. Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs. You are all sacked. The division is shutting down. After the leveraged buyout, we're eliminating all non-productive portions of the corporation. Clean out your desks, and you will be escorted out of the building at noon. Oh, and have a nice day! Q. What did Saddam Hussein and little miss Muffet have in common? A. They both had curds in their whey. There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up. - Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" Safety is better than the wrong answer. Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence How to tell when you are dead. 1. Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs, ants. 2. Something is missing in your personal relationships. 3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate. 4. You have a hard time getting a waiter. 5. Exotic birds flock around you. 6. People ignore you at parties. 7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning. 8. You no longer get off on cocaine. Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear bomb; use the stairs. 2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit the ground. 3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials. 4. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to psychological problems. 5. Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. 6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs will be scarce in the post-nuclear age. 7. Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles. 8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be staggering illegally. 9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more sanitary due to limited circulation. 10. Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on D-Day. SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People laugh at you a great deal. Salary is no object: strive only to keep body and soul apart. Your salary will be increased. Wit, n.: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery - by leaving it out. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? - Ursula K. LeGuin Don't SANFORIZE me!! Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking? - Arlo Guthrie Q. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a ten pound note. Who picks it up? A. The dumb blonde. There's no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde. Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. Did I say I was a sardine? Or a bus? Satellite Safety Tip 14: If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck. Satellites: They are in SPACE and stay there by going so fast that they are never in one place enough to fall down. Televisions are bounced off them. They are part of SCIENCE. - A Scientific Encyclopedia for the Enquiring Young Nome by Angalo de Haberdasheri, Terry Pratchett, Wings Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone. Satire is what closes in New Haven. There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it. - George Bernard Shaw Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in. Saturday night in Toledo Ohio, Is like being nowhere at all, All through the day how the hours rush by, You sit in the park and you watch the grass die. - John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio" Saudi ArabiA. A fuel's paradise. To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda. Save energy: be apathetic. Save gas, don't eat beans. Save gas, don't use the shell. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds! I'm not saying I am always right, just that you are always wrong. Some of my sayings take a little understanding. If you don't understand them perhaps you have more than a little. "He says gods like to see an atheist around. Gives them something to aim at." - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods Scandal is gossip made tedious by morality. SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! - Ken Thompson Schapiro's Explanation: The grass is always greener on the other side - but that's because they use more manure. Schizophrenia beats being alone. When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. - Woody Allen I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. e Schrodinger was h re. The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 showed that all had these things in common: 1. They all had moderate appetites. 2. They all came from middle class homes 3. All but two of them were dead. Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof. - Ashley Montague All science is either physics or stamp collecting. - E. Rutherford Science is not a sacred cow. Science is a horse. Don't worship it. Feed it. - Aubrey Eben Science is what happens when preconception meets verification. Science: A way of finding things out and then making them work. Science explains what is happening around us the whole time. So does RELIGION, but science is better because it comes up with more understandable excuses when it is wrong. There is a lot more Science than you think. - A Scientific Encyclopedia for the Enquiring Young Nome by Angalo de Haberdasheri, Terry Pratchett, Wings If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability. - Vannevar Bush But scientists, who ought to know Assure us that it must be so. Oh, let us never, never doubt What nobody is sure about. - Hilaire Belloc SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered. There once was a Scot named McAmeter With a tool of prodigious diameter. It was not the size That cause such surprise; 'Twas his rhythm - iambic pentameter. Scott's first Law: No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. Scott's second Law: When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been wrong in the first place. Corollary: After the correction has been found in error, it will be impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation. Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it! Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock? Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table. Kirk: Then it's of external origin? Spock: Affirmative. Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two. Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two. When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. This screen intentionally left blank. Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else. Who's scruffy looking? You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. Sculpture: Mud pies that endure. Sears has everything. Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary: If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong, anyway. You can't second-guess ineffability, I always say. - Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens Second-rate people hire third-rate people. Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this woman and stop her. Pi seconds is a nanocentury. - Tom Duff You have ten seconds to become a peaceful, productive member of society. If you fail to do so, I will pluck out your eyeballs and squash them flat. Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny. The secret of life is to be in the right room. Say the secret woid and the duck is yours. Say the secret word and you win $100. That secret you've been guarding, isn't. You are secretive in your dealings but never to the extent of trickery. We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them. Security check: INTRUDER ALERT! Be security conscious - National defense is at stake. Security is the individual's responsibility. Security is your responsibility. There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity. Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. She scissored short. Sorely shorn, Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, Silently scheming, Sightlessly seeking Some savage, spectacular suicide. - Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" Seeing that death, a necessary end, will come when it will come. Be seeing you. You seek to shield those you love and you like the role of the provider. 1982 makes 1984 seem like 1978! There seemed nowhere in it for him, but this wasn't a problem. There was always room at the top. - Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag. It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you. If I have not seen farther, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders. - Anonymous, quoted in the GNU Awk manual Seen in TV Guide, describing the Star Trek episode _Amok_Time_: Mr. Spock succumbs to a powerful mating urge and nearly kills Captain Kirk. If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. - Ronald Reagan Have you seen Quasimodo? I had a hunch he was back. If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps. I have seen the FUN. I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. - Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" Who sees the variety and not the unity, wanders on from death to death. Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow! One seldom sees a monument to a committee. Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples. You have been selected for a secret mission. SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY 4: Joan Armatrading She should get more credit than Tracy Chapman, but she's not always politically correct, and if there's one thing the music industry can't stand it's a talented black female folk/rocker who is NOT politically correct. - Anton C. Shepps SELECTIONS from ECLECTIC MUSIC SURVEY 4: Johann Sebastian Bach Great composer, but hasn't written much lately. - Richard Caley Law of Selective Gravity: An object will fall so as to do the most damage. Jenning's Corollary: The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. Yes, but which self do you want to be? Self Test for Paranoia: You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's your own fault. Be self-reliant and your success is assured. Buy low, sell high. Did I SELL OUT yet? Sell short. Are you selling NYLON OIL WELLS? If so, we can use TWO DOZEN!! She sells cshs by the cshore. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate; and never where it is not; Seminars, n.: From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion. Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. - Salvor Hardin, "Foundation" I sent a letter to the fish, I told them, "This is what I wish." The little fishes of the sea, They sent an answer back to me. The little fishes' answer was "We cannot do it, sir, because ..." I sent a letter back to say It would be better to obey. But someone came to me and said "The little fishes are in bed." I said to him, and I said it plain "Then you must wake them up again." I said it very loud and clear, I went and shouted in his ear. But he was very stiff and proud, He said "You needn't shout so loud." And he was very proud and stiff, He said "I'll go and wake them if ..." I took a kettle from the shelf, I went to wake them up myself. But when I found the door was locked I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked, And when I found the door was shut, I tried to turn the handle, But ... "Is that all?" asked Alice. "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye." - Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, but for some reason nobody's ever done it. - Andy Rooney This sentance has threee errors. This sentence contains ten words, eighteen syllables, and sixty-four letters. No sentence fragments. This sentence no verb. This sentence was in the past tense. - Douglas Hofstadter Sergeant Comely was working on the general assumption that where you got lots of people gathered together, something illegal was bound to happen sooner or later. - Terry Pratchett, Johnny and the Dead The sergeant put on the poker face which has been handed down from NCO to NCO ever since one protoamphibian told another, lower ranking protoamphibian to muster a squad of newts and Take That Beach. - Terry Pratchett, Eric Serocki's Stricture: Marriage is always a bachelor's last option. Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded. The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he reported to Fafhrd, "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive." "Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one - and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city." "How?" demanded Fafhrd. Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know." - Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar" "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully. "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have said 'Leave off at seven' - but it's too late now." "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly. "Too proud?" the other enquired. Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean," she said, "that one can't help growing older." "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With proper assistance, you might have left off at seven." - Lewis Carroll And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. A Severe Strain on the Credulity As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt. For after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left. Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. Of course he only seems to lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. - New York Times Editorial, 1920 I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one, it wasn't doing what I was doing. Shadwell hated all southerners and, by inference, was standing at the North Pole. - Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last. I may be a shallow guy, but a shallow guy with a great ass! - Cat, Red Dwarf It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances. The old shaman said carefully, "You didn't just see two men go through upside down on a broomstick, shouting and screaming at each other, did you?" The boy looked at him levelly. "Certainly not," he said. The old man heaved a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness for that," he said. "Neither did I." - Rincewind and Twoflower take up broomstick flying, Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful, licentious, dirty bum!! Shamus, n.: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog functionaries, and there's a joke about that: A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks he's nobody!" - Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent. Shaw's Principle: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it. Sheep are best! When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf and takes his dog along to see the sport he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. - Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature. - Samuel Johnson Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down! Byte, byte, byte! The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends. Shine on, you crazy diamond! When the sun shineth, make hay. The sun was shining on the sea, Shining with all his might: He did his very best to make The billows smooth and bright - And this was very odd, because it was The middle of the night. - Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" Zen T-shirt slogan: Enlightment Available - Enquire Within. Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" "Gay shlafen, darling." Obvious, isn't it? Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed individuals and then grow. Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I think not, my friend, I think not. - Arthur Naiman Ever shoot an elephant in your pajamas? I had been shopping for plants all day, and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision. I did not see the other car. - Insurance claim Short circuits got no reason to live. In short, N is Richardian if and only if N is not Richardian. Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders has been discontinued. A shortcut is the longest path between two points. I will make you shorter by the head. The shortest distance between two points is under construction. - Noelie Altito The shortest unit of time in the multiverse is the New York Second, defined as the period of time between the traffic lights turning green and the cab behind you honking. - Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him. - R. A. Lafferty You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think. You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead. You should go home. You should hardly ever equivocate. You should never have a hobby that eats. You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty. - Henrick Ibson You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day, you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily. - Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him. - John Barrymore's dying words You should use contraceptives at every conceivable occasion. Should you shoot him now, or wait 'til you get home? SHOOT HIM NOW, SHOOT HIM NOW! You shouldn't touch a pig unless it hasn't been in the mud. Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss. Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change. Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response. Show your appreciation for your lover by surprising him/her with a small gift. When you go out to buy, don't show your silver. Shower the people you love with your love. Shower with the people you love. Any shrine is better than self-worship. "Shut up and tell me what that other idiot ish doing!" "No, but look, if I've got to shut up, how can I --" The knife at his throat became a hot streak of pain and Rincewind decided to give logic a miss. - Cohen the Barbarian interrogates Rincewind, Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic A sick mind is not necessarily the sign of a clean desk. Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art. Sign on bank: "FREE BOTTLE OF CHIVAS WITH EVERY MILLION-DOLLAR DEPOSIT." 3) I don't sign parts of the body, even if they're still attached. - From Terry Pratchett's Rules of Book Signing. alt.fan.pratchett Sign up now for the summarizing Proust competition! The significant owl hoots in the night. - Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards! Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. - from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet The silliest thing possible is to spend your whole life being sensible. It's silly to go on pretending that under the skin we are all brothers. The truth is more likely that under the skin we are all cannibals, assassins, traitors, liars, hypocrites, poltroons. - Henry Miller silver "which tends to cause further angst" solvent "weege trends do pause father east" sycophant "weebles kendo piss feather beast" Every silver lining has a cloud around it. Silverman's Law: If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will Simon's Law: Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. Simony's eyes gleamed with the gleam of a man who had seen the future and found it covered with armour plating. - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson. It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit. Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you have carpeting. - Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches. - A. R. Longworth Simple pleasures are the last refuge of the complex. I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. - Oscar Wilde Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate. Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace! Since I gave up hope I feel a lot better. - Steve Taylor Since I hurt my pendulum My life is all erratic. My parrot, who was cordial, Is now transmitting static. The carpet died, a palm collapsed, The cat keeps doing poo. The only thing that keeps me sane Is talking to my shoe. - My Shoe Since we're all here, we must not be all there. - Bob "Mountain" Beck A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard - Prof. Steiner I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring." Can't sing. Can't dance. Can handle a sword a little. - Victor's resume, Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures You are a singer who has to take any note above A with your eyebrows. Old Tom was the single cracked bronze bell in the University bell tower. The clapper dropped out shortly after it was cast, but the bell still tolled out some tremendously sonorous silences every hour. - Terry Pratchett, Eric You don't have a single redeeming defect. I like being single. I'm always there when I need me. - Art Leo You will be singled out for promotion in your work. The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream." "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?" "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?" Sister Mary headed through the night-time hospital with the Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Great Beast that is called Dragon, Prince of This World, Father of Lies, Spawn of Satan and Lord of Darkness safely in her arms. She found a bassinet and laid him down in it. He gurgled. She gave him a tickle. - The antichrist is born, Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes! Once Law was sitting on the bench And Mercy knelt a-weeping. "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! Nor come before me creeping. Upon you knees if you appear, 'Tis plain you have no standing here." Then Justice came. His Honor cried: "YOUR states? - Devil seize you!" "Amica curiae," she replied - "Friend of the court, so please you." "Begone!" he shouted - "There's the door - I never saw your face before!" - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy. Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor): Th: Th:t quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should have gotten. Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back. Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work. "Slave is an Ephebian word. In Om we have no word for slave," said Vorbis. "So I understand," said the Tyrant. "I imagine that fish have no word for water." - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. Q. What can you sit on, sleep on and brush your teeth with? A. A chair, a bed and a toothbrush. Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own. Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: 1. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad cheque. 2. A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. 3. There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark objects. He who slings mud loses ground. I must have slipped a disk - my pack hurts I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off my car. - Insurance claim Slurm, n.: The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it sits in the dish too long. - Rich Hall, "Sniglets" Small change can often be found under seat cushions. There's small choice in rotten apples. The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start with a large fortune. You have only a very small head and must live within it. Bug: Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls. Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object. It's a small step for a man, but a giant leap for nomekind. - Terry Pratchett, Truckers Small things make base men proud. Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark. The smallest worm will turn being trodden on. SMALLTALK is not a language. It's the stuff that occurs around water coolers. It combines the power and flexibility of LOGO with the fabulous string handling capabilities of FORTRAN. It is smart to pick your friends - but not to pieces. If you're so smart, how come you ain't rich. Q. What smells like carrots but is invisible? A. Bunny farts! Smile! You're on Candid Camera. Smile, tomorrow will be worse. A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. There's no smoke without the worm turning. Smoking cures weight problems, eventually. Q. How often does a smurf pull down his pants? A. Once in a blue moon. Snacktrek, n.: The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized. - Rich Hall, "Sniglets" A snake lurks in the grass. He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands. I can see it now: *Snort* *Snort* Get away from me, you silly bullfighter, or I shall taunt you a second time! ObMPQ: A bull is heavy, violent, abusive, and aggressive, with four legs and great sharp teeth - whereas a bullfighter is only a small greasy Spaniard. - Narrator of Probe Snow and adolescence are the only problems that go away if ignored long enough. Snow Day - stay home. It is a sobering thought, for example, that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years. - Tom Lehrer Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable well-being. Society is a mule, not a car; if pressed harder, it will kick and throw you off. The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble acturiety and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exaulted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy: neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water. Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. - A history student Sodd's Second Law: Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur. Two Sodium atoms are walking down the street when one says, "I think I just lost an electron!" The other says, "Are you sure?" To which the first replies, "Yes, I'm positive!". - "Sodomy non sapiens," said Albert under his breath. - "What does that mean?" - "Means I'm buggered if I know." - Mort and Albert are facing a problem, Terry Pratchett, Mort A soft drink turneth away company. But soft you, the fair Ophelia: Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, But get thee to a nunnery - go! - Mark "The Bard" Twain SOFTWARE - formal evening attire for female computer analysts. The Law of Software Development and Envelopment at MIT: Every program in development at MIT expands until it can read mail. Q. How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? A. None: We'll document it in the manual. 90/90 Law of Software Project Management: The first 90% of the task takes the first 90% of the time, and the remaining 10% takes the other 90%. We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one technical problem - how to run a sunbeam through a meter. Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. ... a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. - Mark Twain Every solution breeds new problems. I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. - Ashleigh Brilliant The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. Do not try to solve all life's problems at once - learn to dread each day as it comes. - Donald Kaul Somebody ought to cross ballpoint pens with coat hangers, so that the pens will multiply instead of disappearing. Somehow, somewhere along the line, this town lost its pride. Somehow, trying to get Granny Weatherwax and 'panty raid' into the same sentence is beyond me. - Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett Someone close to you is taking advantage of your trust. If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder. - Pope John Paul I Someone is speaking well of you. How unusual! Someone is unenthusiastic about your work. When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only say what I wish done", give him a lollipop. Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow. Someone will try to honk your nose today. There is always someone worse off than yourself. Do something big - fuck a giant And now for something completely different. There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. - Mark Twain There is always something new out of Africa. Something small and distant broke through the cloud layer, trailing shreds of vapour. In the stratospheric calm the sounds of bickering came sharp and clear. "You said you could fly one of these things!" "No I didn't; I just said *you* couldn't!" - Rincewind and Twoflower attempt broomstick flying, Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts. - Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live" Something to think about: Radar spelled backwords is ... radar. Do something unusual today. Pay a bill. ADA, n.: Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness." Something's rotten in the state of Denmark. Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray. Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. - Lily Tomlin "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's Machineries of Joy?" "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin." - R Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy" I would sooner be notorious than unknown. Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already paid may disregard this fortune). No sooner said than done - so acts your man of worth. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up! Go soothingly in the grease mud, as there lurks the skid demon. Sorry, I'm busy, try again later. Sorry, no fortune this time. Sorry, no obscene fortunes. Don't want to offend anyone. (Now that's obscene!) You'll be sorry. Sorry. Nice try. It was the sort of thing you expected in the Street of Alchemists. The neighbours *preferred* explosions, which were at least identifiable and soon over. They were better than the smells, which crept up on you. - Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. - Abraham Lincoln One day Soshi, the Taoist, was walking on the bank of a river with a friend. "How delightfully the fishes are enjoying themselves in the water!" exclaimed Soshi. His friend spake to him thus: "You are not a fish; how do you know that the fishes are enjoying themselves?" "You are not myself," returned Soshi; "how do you know that I do not know that the fishes are enjoying themselves?" The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer. Q. How many Soviet citizens does it take to change a light bulb? A. Two; one to screw in the light bulb and one to make the old one into a Molotov Cocktail. Q. How many Soviet hardliners does it take to change a light bulb? A. Five; one to screw in the light bulb and four to drive the tank. Space is big. Really big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mindbogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist, but that's just peanuts to space. - Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" Man will never fly. Space travel is merely a dream. All aspirin is alike. But I don't like Spam! Did you say Spanish Inquisition? Just yesterday there was a silly little Spaniard wearing a tight bull-fighting outfit doing the flamenco on my desk. And no he wasn't a Viking, he was a Chinaman. There are no Spanish Vikings, anyone who says he is, is nothin' more than a silly Norseman! War spares not the brave, but the cowardly. Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers: If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him. Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him. Speak roughly to your little boy, And beat him when he sneezes: He only does it to annoy Because he knows it teases. Wow! Wow! Wow! I speak severely to my boy, And beat him when he sneezes: For he can thoroughly enjoy The pepper when he pleases! Wow! Wow! Wow! Speak roughly to your little VAX, and boot it when it crashes; It knows that one cannot relax Because the paging thrashes! Wow! Wow! Wow! I speak severely to my VAX, and boot it when it crashes; In spite of all my favorite hacks My jobs it always thrashes! Wow! Wow! Wow! Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword. Then a man said, "Speak to us of Expectations". He then said, "If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open market". "If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself." "Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree. Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg. Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower." - Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/1, I am sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free the middle third? Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before passing it back? Overlay three different types of variable on the same memory location? Anything you say! Write a recursive macro? Well, no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use? Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very least he can do is to Shut Up! - Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was" Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? - Lily Tomlin You do well in speculation where land or anything to do with earth is involved. They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce. - Mark Twain If an S and an I and an O and a U With an X at the end spell Su; And an E and a Y and an E spell I, Pray what is a speller to do? Then, if also an S and an I and a G And an HED spell side, There's nothing much left for a speller to do But to go commit siouxeyesighed. - Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament" Bad spelling can be lethal. For example, the greedy Seriph of Al-Yabi was cursed by a badly-educated deity and for some days everything he touched turned to Glod, which happened to be the name of a small dwarf from a mountain community hundreds of miles away who found himself magically dragged to the kingdom and relentlessly duplicated. Some two thousand Glods later the spell wore off. These days, the people of Al-Yabi are renowned for being remarkably short and bad-tempered. - Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad Spend enough time confirming the need and the need will disappear. Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers. You will spend the rest of your life in the future. He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT. The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless. So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. - Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now. I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it. - Clarence Darrow Spirtle, n.: The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in your eye. - Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" The Split-Atom Blues Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine, Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline. But if you split those atoms fine, Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine! Gimme zits, take my dough, Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll. Call the devil and sell my soul, But Mama keep dem atoms whole! - Milo Bloom Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain. Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. MORE SPORTS RESULTS: The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday night. The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase. The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities. At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka." This started a fight and the match was called by officials. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Spouse, n.: Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. SPQR - what every Roman always knew: Small Profit Quick Return! You will be squirrely today. Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion. [Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. - Winston Churchill In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator. Stand on toilet, get high on pot. The I.S.O. standard unit of female pulchritude is the milli-helen. This is the amount of beauty capable of causing the launching of a single ship. Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down. You are standing on my toes. Law stands mute in the midst of arms. The star of riches is shining upon you. The STAR WARS Song Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks: I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda S-O-D-A soda I saw the little runt sitting there on a log I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda Well I've been around but I ain't never seen A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda They stared at the branch. There wasn't just one flower out there, there were dozens, although the frogs weren't able to think like this because frogs can't count beyond one. They saw lots of ones. - Terry Pratchett, Wings They stared at them. Staring is one of the few things frogs are good at. Thinking isn't. - Terry Pratchett, Wings Q. What stares out a window, bubbles, and then explodes? A. A dead baby in a microwave. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now. - Lauren Bacall As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs. - Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949 State Farm? Guard dogs? Do not put statements in the negative form. In statements involving two word phrases, make an all out effort to use hyphens. Statisticians do it with 95% confidence. Statisticians probably do it. Statistics are no substitute for judgement. Statistics are used as a drunk uses lampposts - for support, not illumination. Stay away from flying saucers today. Stay away from hurricanes for a while. If you stay up all night wondering where the sun is, it will dawn on you. I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. The steady state of disks is full. -Ken Thompson Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly. Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: Everybody should believe in something - I believe I'll have another drink. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have snuck in the language. Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. You will step on the night soil of many countries. Your step will soil many countries. Who was Steve Saperstein? Are the STEWED PRUNES still in the HAIR DRYER? A stitch in time saves nine. The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney, ... One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him. Don't stop at one bug. I had to stop driving my car for a while. The tires got dizzy. Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable. Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only take a bath ... Die, v.: To stop sinning suddenly. - Elbert Hubbard She'd stopped reading the kind of women's magazine that talked about romance and knitting and started reading the kind of women's magazine that talked about orgasms, but apart from making a mental note to have one if ever the occasion presented itself she dismissed them as only romance and knitting in a new form. - Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens THE STORY OF CREATION or THE MYTH OF URK In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening and there was morning, one interrupt... - Rico Tudor This is the story of the bee Whose sex is very hard to see You cannot tell the he from she But she can tell, and so can he The little bee is never still She has no time to take the pill And that is why, in times like these There are so many sons of bees. I have a very strange feeling about this. It's strange how you suddenly discover bizarre and dangerous holes in your knowledge. I fell down one today. - Steve Knight Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously? Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power is derived by a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony! A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. - O'Henry Strike while the iron is hot. Two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, "So what'll it be?" The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu" "Please excuse my friend", the second string says. "He isn't null-terminated." I strive to be worthy of you. This striving for excellence extends into people's personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli. - Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" I stroll along, talk, I sign books, people buy me drinks, I forget where my hotel is, I get lost and fall into some local body of water... done it hundreds of times. - Going to a convention is fun! Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex. You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex. You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first. It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure. Try "stty 0" - it works much better. Don't get stuck in a closet - wear yourself out. "Stuck? You're an *alien*," said Johnny. "Aliens don't get stuck in air ducts. It's practically a well-known fact." - Terry Pratchett, Only You Can Save Mankind A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam. Student: What's your opinion of my paper? Professor: It's absolute drivel. Student: I know, but let's hear it anyway. "Students made it long ago," said Rincewind. "Handy way in and out after lights out." "Ah," said Twoflower, "I *understand*. Over the wall and out to brightly-lit tavernas to drink and sing and recite poetry, yes?" "Nearly right except for the singings and the poetry, yes," said Rincewind. - Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic "Students?" barked the Archchancellor. "Yes, Master. You know? They're the thinner ones with the pale faces. Because we're a university, they come with the whole thing, like rats." - Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start. Why do we study poverty instead of wealth? Stult's Report: Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is fight the solutions. Stupid, n.: Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay. Sturgeon's Law: 90% of everything is crud. Ten out of ten for style, but minus several million for good thinking. If this were subjunctive, I'm in the wrong mood. Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. - Mark Twain There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes. They say there is no substitute for talent, but you seem to have found something. God is subtle but he is not malicious. God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. - Albert Einstein If we do not succeed, then we face the risk of failure. - Dan Quayle, Vice-President of the United States If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure. - Vice President Dan Quayle, to the Phoenix Republican Forum, March 1990 You will win success in whatever calling you adopt. Success is a journey, not a destination. Why be a man when you can be a success? - Bertold Brecht You will be successful in love. Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success. One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists, a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also just stupid. - J. D. Watson, THE DOUBLE HELIX A successful tool is one that was used to do something undreamed of by its author. - S. C. Johnson Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring. Don't get suckered in by the comments - they can be terribly misleading. Debug only code. - Dave Storer Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. - Arthur C. Clarke 2 + 2 = 5 for sufficiently large values of 2. I suggest a new strategy, R2. Let the Wookie win. Suicide was against the law. Johnny had wondered why. It meant that if you missed, or the gas ran out, or the rope broke, you could get locked up in prison to show you that life was really very jolly and thoroughly worth living. - Terry Pratchett, Johnny and the dead When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday. (Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from Man of La Mancha) To code the impossible code, To bring up a virgin machine, To pop out of endless recursion, To grok what appears on the screen, To right the unrightable bug, To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To mount the unmountable magtape, To stop the unstoppable crash! His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier. Supercompetence is more objectionable than incompetence. The superfluous is very necessary. - Voltaire Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons! - THE SIMPSONS A superlative suggestion sir, with only two drawbacks: one, we don't have any defensive shields and two, we don't have any defensive shields. I know that, technically, that's only one drawback, but it was such a big one I thought I'd mention it twice. - Kryten, Red Dwarf It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue. - Voltaire Your supervisor is thinking about you. A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a "round tuit" now has no excuse for further procrastination. Q. How many supply-side economists does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. Support bacteria - it's the only culture some people have! Support the right of unborn males to bear arms! - A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly, the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle Association Support your local church. Worship at Bank of America. The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed. The Supreme Life President of Hell wrote: "What business are we in???" He thought for a bit, and then carefully wrote, underneath: "We are in the damnation business!!!" - Terry Pratchett, Eric Make sure all variables are initialized before use. Make sure comments and code agree. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, call it the target. I was sure that the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him. - Insurance claim Be sure to treat your assumptions as though they are reality. I'm sure we can arrange an academic scholarship for Detritus. Troll cheerleaers would be nice: 'Two... four.... er.. many... lots'. - Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it. - English Professor Make sure your code "does nothing" gracefully. Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he forgets? - "Surely you have considered terrorist activity?" There was another pause. Then the spokesman said, in the quiet tones of someone who has had enough and who is going to quit after this and raise chickens somewhere, "Yes, I suppose we must. All we need to do is find some terrorists who are capable of taking an entire nuclear reactor out of its can while it's running and without anyone noticing. It weighs about a thousand tons and is forty feet high. So they'll be quite *strong* terrorists. Perhaps you'd like to ring them up, sir, and ask them questions in that supercilious, accusatory way of yours." - The BBC interviews a nuclear spokesperson, Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens They also surf who only stand on waves. Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while. Surly grammarians insist that all words ending in "ly" are adverbs. Surprise due today. Also the rent. Surprise your boss. Get to work on time. Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit! Just type in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law. Name: Number: You will be surprised by a loud noise. Q. How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A. Two. One to hold the girrafe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. - "So we're surrounded by absolutely nothing. There's a word for it. It's what you get when there's nothing left and everything's been used up." - "Yes. I think it's called the bill." - Terry Pratchett, Eric You will be surrounded by luxury. Survival of the species is everyone's business. If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything. You will survive the conflagration. FUN is never having to say you're SUSHI! If you suspect a man, don't employ him. Swap read error. You lose your mind. Don't sweat it, it's only ones and zeros. Sweater, n.: A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly. Sweet April showers do spring May flowers. It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten. It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion. Said a swinging young chick named Lyth Whose virtue was largely a myth, "Try as hard as I can, I can't find a man That it's fun to be virtuous with." Swipple's Rule of Order: He who shouts the loudest has the floor. Our swords shall play the orators for us. "Etc." is a symbol used to make others believe we know more than we do. IBM had PL/1, Its syntax worse than JOSS; And everywhere this language went, It was a total loss. //GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH Q. How many system administrators does it take to change a light bulb? A. None, just remove the rights of everybody allowed to go into the room. System checkpoint complete. This system goes down more often than a two-dollar whore. System going down at 13:45 this afternoon for disk crashing. Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?". System restarting, wait. Any system that depends on reliability is unreliable. This system will self-destruct in five minutes. System/3! System/3! See how it runs! See how it runs! Its monitor loses so totally! It runs all its programs in RPG! It's made by our favorite monopoly! System/3! New systems generate new problems. When a systems programmer says the computer works, she means that it has worked, and will work again sometime in the future. Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult. And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports, which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the world. - Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men" Q. Why did the tachyon cross the road? A. Because it was on the other side. Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head. Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy. Tact, n.: The unsaid part of what you're thinking. Never take a drink when you are feeling sorry for yourself. You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart. - F. Allen "He didn't take any notice!" whispered Tomjon. "A born critic," said the dwarf. - Discworld stage actors in conversation, Terry Pratchett, Wyrd Sisters Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves. Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way. Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting enough cheese - National Lampoon, "Deteriorada" Take it easy, we're in a hurry. Take it from me, whenever you see a bunch of buggers puttering around talking about truth and beauty and the best way of attacking Ethics, you can bet your sandals it's all because dozens of other poor buggers are doing all the real work around the place. - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods Man who take lady on camping trip have one intent. Don't take life too seriously; you will never get out if it alive. Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. - Kipling Take One ticket to New Orleans Take One cab to Bourbon Street Take steps to the counter of the all night frozen dacquiri shop. Take One Large Cupful. - Terry Pratchett's recipe for the Ultimate Banana Dacquiri. alt.fan.pratchett Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixed metaphors. Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to improve. - Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" If you take the small view, the universe is just something small and round, like those water-filled balls which produce a miniature snowstorm when you shake them. Although, unless the ineffable plan is a lot more ineffable than it's given credit for, it does not have a large plastic snowman at the bottom. - Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens I don't have to take this abuse from you - I've got hundreds of people waiting to abuse me. -Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" Q. How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift? A. 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. Q. How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job? A. Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. Take what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. Let me take you a buttonhole lower. Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood by less-advanced life-forms, and they'll call you crazy. - Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What is a kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I explained yet about the bytes? It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder. Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday. You are taking advantage of the good nature of a friend. Be careful. You are taking yourself too seriously. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. - William Shakespeare on Life Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded. Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? It's not his money. - Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" We got a talk about it at school. There's lots of stuff most girls can't do, but you've got to pretend they can, so that more of them will. - Sexism explained, Terry Pratchett, Only You Can Save Mankind Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know. No man would talk much in society, if he knew how often he misunderstands others. - Goethe Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. - Euripides Talkers are no good doers. - William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. - Friedrich Nietzsche Tallulah Bankhead barged down the Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank. God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. - Alfred Jarry Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive. Tanstaafl. Taoism Shit happens. Confucianism Confucius says, "Shit happens" Buddhism If shit happens, it isn't really shit. Zen What is the sound of shit happening? Hinduism This shit happened before. Islam If shit happens, it's the will of Allah. Protestantism Let shit happen to someone else. Catholicism If shit happens, you deserved it. Judaism Why does shit always happen to us? Rastafarism Let's smoke some shit. Q. If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah be? A. A fur coat. Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is. I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller. TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist. Taxes, n.: Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get an extension. Taxpayers don't have to take a civil service exam to work for the government. Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway. How do you teach a girl Mathematics? Add her to the bed, subtract he clothes, divide her legs and start multiplying. To teach is to learn. You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't. - Dagwood Bumstead Those who can, do; those who can't, teach; those who can't teach, teach gym. Those who can, do; those who can't, teach; those who can't teach, teach teachers. A team playing baseball in Dallas Called the umpire blind out of malice. While this worthy had fits The team made eight hits And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else. Q. How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? A. None: The user can work it out. Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means for going backwards. - Aldous Huxley Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls. If thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee. The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end. - Insurance claim Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of supercomputers. - Steven Feiner Q. How can you tell if a blonde's been using your word-processor? A. Tippex on the screen. Q. How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your backyard? A. All your bin-liners are missing. Q. How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess? A. A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says: "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally." Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends - tell me where to get more wax! Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud. "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" asked Alice. "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. - Lewis Carrol You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail. Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year; some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years. The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear safety glasses. - Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" What I tell you three times is true. There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you. One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true. The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, H/E^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed. However Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. - From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972 Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner. The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. - Oscar Wilde We tend to remember the messenger and forget the message. We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me. You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers. All tends towards Chaos. On a Tennessee Highway: Take notice, when this sign is under water, this road is impassable. Terence, this is stupid stuff: You eat your victuals fast enough; There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear, To see the rate you drink your beer. But oh, good Lord, the verse you make, It gives a chap the belly-ache. The cow, the old cow, she is dead; It sleeps well the horned head: We poor lads, 'tis our turn now To hear such tunes as killed the cow. Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme Your friends to death before their time. Moping, melancholy mad: Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad. - A. E. Housman You will die of terminal acne. I have this terrible fear of a world run by computer magazines. When God made man She made a terrible mistake. "?" he said. - Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens If Not You, Who Else? - Terry Pratchett, Only You Can Save Mankind Q: Terry, what the heck was going on at the end of Strata? I've just re-read the ending *again* and come up with another possible explanation which takes the total number into double figures. A: See? Other people would just have given you one or two. Amazing value, I think. - Terry Pratchett & Somebody On The Net, alt.fan.pratchett Tertullian [one of the founders of the Catholic Church] was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian. To him is ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical fact, for he merely said, "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain because it is impossible." Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it. - C. G. Jung, "Psychological Types" Test makers do it sometimes/always/never. This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an actual emergency, you would have known it! Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones. The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system: But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. - Matthew 5:37 Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even one which cannot be justified on any other grounds. - J. Finnegan, USC. More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. - Woody Allen If more than one person is responsible for a bug, no one is at fault. There's more than one way to skin a cat: Way number 15 - Krazy Glue and a toothbrush. There's more than one way to skin a cat: Way number 27 - Use an electric sander. There's more than one way to skin a cat: Way number 32 - Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker. Never eat more than you can lift. - Miss Piggy Thank you for observing all safety precautions. That that is is not that that is not. That that is is that that that that is not is not. That's what she said. A Thaum is the basic unit of magical strength. It has been universally established as the amount of magic needed to create one small white pigeon or three normal sized billiard balls. - Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic It was here that the thaum, hitherto believed to be the smallest possible particle of magic, was succesfully demonstrated to be made up of /resons/ (Lit.: 'Thing-ies') or reality fragments. Currently research indicates that each reson is itself made up of a combination of at least five 'flavours', known as 'up', 'down', 'sideways', 'sex appeal' and 'peppermint'. - Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies For thee the wonder working earth puts forth sweet flowers. Who was Thelonious Monk? One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. THEORY Into love and out again, Thus I went and thus I go. Spare your voice, and hold your pen: Well and bitterly I know All the songs were ever sung, All the words were ever said; Could it be, when I was young, Someone dropped me on my head? - Dorothy Parker A theory is better than its explanation. There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. - Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe Q. How many sex therapists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Two. One to screw it in and one to tell him he's screwing it in the wrong way. - "Therefore I will have dinner sent in," said the priest. "It will be roast chicken." - "I hate chicken." Dios smiled. "No sire. On wednesdays the King always enjoys chicken, sire." - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids There ain't no such thing as a free lunch. There is no such thing as a little garlic. There is no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it. The thing between Death's triumphant digits was a fly from the dawn of time. It was the fly in the primordial soup. It had bred on mammoth turds. It wasn't a fly that bangs on window panes, it was a fly that drills through walls. - Death goes fishing, Terry Pratchett, Mort The only thing constant is change. You ate the only thing I ever loved! - Seymour, LSoH There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about. - Oscar Wilde A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. The thing is that Mr. Dibbler can even sell sausages to people who have bought them off him *before*. - Now *that's* marketing, Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog. The thing that niggles away continuously at the back of my mind is, why did God give the tortoise a drag-coefficient of 0.00004? One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh paint. The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde The only thing wrong with doing nothing is that you never know when you're done. "What is this thing, anyway?" said the Dean, inspecting the implement in his hands. "It's called a shovel," said the Senior Wrangler. "I've seen the gardeners use them. You stick the sharp end in the ground. Then it gets a bit technical." - Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man "What's that thing?" "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what it does. We call it a two-by-four." - Jeff MacNelly, "Shoe" If things appear to be going well, you have overlooked something. When things are going well, something will go wrong. Things are more like they used to be than they are now. Things are not always what they seem. All things are possible except skiing thru a revolving door. To do two things at once is to do neither. The more things change, the more they stay insane. The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again. All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat, All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot. Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings, He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings. All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small, All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all. Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid; Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks? He did. All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small, Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all. - Monty Python Hi! How are things going? (Just fine, thank you.) Great! Say, could I bother you for a question? (You just asked one.) Well, how about one more? (One more than the first one?) Yes. (You already asked that.) [At this point, Alphonso gets smart.] May I ask two questions, sir? (No.) May I ask ONE then? (Nope.) Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question? (Yes, you may.) Sir, how may I ask you a question? (You must ask for retroactive question asking priveleges for the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that number plus two {one for the current question, and one for the next one) Sir, may I ask nine questions? (Go right ahead.) Some things have to be believed to be seen. Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most The only things known to go faster than ordinary light is monarchy, according to the philosopher Ly Tin Weedle. He reasoned like this: you can't have more than one king, and tradition demands that there is no gap between kings, so when a king dies the succession must therefore pass to the heir *instantaneously*. Presumably, he said, there must be some elementary particles -- kingons, or possibly queons -- that do this job, but of course succession sometimes fails if, in mid-flight, they strike an anti-particle, or republicon. His ambitious plans to use his discovery to send messages, involving the careful torturing of a small king in order to modulate the signal, were never fully expanded because, at that point, the bar closed. - Terry Pratchett, Mort Things past redress and now with me past care. Things should be made as simple as possible, but not more so. - Albert Einstein And this had been the way things were for as far back as the frogs could remember [footnote: About three seconds. Frogs don't have good memories]. - Terry Pratchett, Wings Things will be brighter tonight. A cop will shine a light in your face. You say things with your eyes that others waste time putting into words. Things won't get any better, so get used to it. Think "HONK" if you are telepathic! If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first. Think big. Pollute the Mississippi. If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. - Derek Bok, president of Harvard Many a yo-yo think he have the world on a string. Think honk if you're a telepath. I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with a few common MISAPPREHENSIONS. "You're not one of us." "I don't think I'm one of them, either," said Brutha. "I'm one of mine." - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods I don't think I've ever been critical of the money Douglas Adams makes, especially since, as has been tactfully pointed out, I myself have had to change banks having filled the first one up. - Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow! If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. - Earl Wilson All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS. "DON'T THINK OF IT AS DYING", said Death. "JUST THINK OF IT AS LEAVING EARLY TO AVOID THE RUSH." - Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.! Don't think of me as your boss - Just think of me as your friend who is ALWAYS right. Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer crashes. I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else that has ever happened, and vice versa. - Frank Zappa I think quotes are very dangerous things. - Kate Bush I think that I shall never see A billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall I'll never see a tree at all. - Ogden Nash Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? Do you think the "Monkees" should get gas on odd or even days? If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world? - Richard Nixon I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out. If you think this fortune is confusing, then change one pig. You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. - J. D. Salinger Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click". I think we're all Bozos on this bus. I think we're in trouble. Do you think what we're doing is wrong? Of course it's wrong! It's illegal! I've never done anything illegal before. I thought you said you were an accountant! Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do. I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats. - Woody Allen, on the KKK I think, therefore I am paid. I think, therefore I am. I think. Thinking Machines motto: To make a machine that will be proud of us. He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. The Third Law of Photography: If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark leaks out. Thirty days hath September, All the rest I can't remember. Thirty days hath Septober, April, June and Nowonder All the rest eat peanut butter 'cept for grandma She drives a Buick. Thirty days hath Septober, Aviril, Germ, and Novembuary. All the rest have forty-three, Except my grandmother, She has a little red tricycle. How was Thomas J Watson buried? 9 edge down. Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know what's wrong." Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better than he does. As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians. The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes. This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease. - Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72" We have the most [thorough] test guy in the world. I showed him this program and he asked, "but Rob, what if time runs backward?" Thou hast seen nothing yet. Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United States we really shouldn't complain - it's still only 2 cents a day. He thought all women were biased. "Buy us this." and "Buy us that." He thought he saw an albatross That fluttered 'round the lamp. He looked again and saw it was A penny postage stamp. "You'd best be getting home," he said, "The nights are rather damp." I thought I was confused but now I'm not so sure. Thought is reality, matter an illusion. I thought jet planes were just trucks with more wings and less wheels. - Terry Pratchett, Wings I thought my window was down but found out it was up when I put my hand through it. - Insurance claim - "I thought swords had to be straight." - "Perhaps they start out straight and go bendy with use. A lot of things do." - Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures I've always thought the Patrician is a party animal. Can you imagine waking up next day and remembering all those witty things you said and did, and then realising that he was listening? - Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett If you thought yesterday was bad, wait till you see what happens today. There was a thoughtful pause in the conversation as the assembled Brethren mentally divided the universe into the deserving and the undeserving, and put themselves on the appropriate side. - The Unique and Supreme Lodge of the Elucidated, Brethren see the light Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards! Make three consecutive correct guesses and you will be considered an expert. Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether - whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation. A fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any more about the matter than the others. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics. - Benjamin Disraeli The three laws of thermodynamics: The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it. The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break even. The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero. Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far." So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helloooooo! Where are we?" (They hear the echo several times). 15 minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "You're lost!" One of the men says, "That must have been a mathematician." Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?" The reply: "For three reasons. (1) he took a long time to answer, (2) he was absolutely correct, and (3) his answer was absolutely useless." THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND: 1. Where's the bathroom? 2. What time does the parade start? 3. Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it? The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with an idea. - The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor. There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. - Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour The three rules of the Librarians of Time and Space are: 1) Silence; 2) Books must be returned no later than the date last shown; and 3) Do not interfere with the nature of causality. - Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards! There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it. Three women are sunning themselves on the beach, one catholic, one protestant, and one JAP (Jewish American Princess). Suddenly, a man runs by wearing nothing but a paper bag over his head. When he has passed, the women look at each other self-conciously. The catholic says, "At least it wasn't my husband". The protestant says, "At least it wasn't my boyfriend". The JAP says, "Why, he wasn't even a member of the country club" A man threw himself through the window, a knife between his teeth, a Kalashnikov anutomatic rifle in one hand, a grenade in the other. "I glaim gis oteg in der gaing og der --" he paused. He tooke the knife out of his teeth and began again. - Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens "You see, 99, as you go through the world of espionage, you'll learn that some people are likeable and easy to get along with, and others are - how does that go again, Siegfried?" "I'm one of the Bad Guys!" Never throw a bird at a dragon. If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw another party next year. What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one. If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure that they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you. I was thrown from my car as I left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows. - Insurance claim Thunder rolled. It rolled a six. - Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards! Thwow him to the fwoow centuwion. He's already on the floor, sir. The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction. One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read." Time and tide wait for no man. Time as he grows old teaches all things. Time flies like arrow; fruit flies like banana. You've got a lot of time for abstract thought when you've got your hand stuck up a dead badger. - Terry Pratchett, Johnny and the Dead Now is the time for all good men to come to. - Walt Kelly I have no time for monks resisting the carnival. If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it. Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache. All this time I've been VIEWING a RUSSIAN MIDGET SODOMIZE a HOUSECAT! Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in. Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once. The time is right to make new friends. Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend. There is no time like the pleasant. There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing. Its my all time most favourite shiny thing I've found in the whole of today, and if you try and take it I may have to eat you! - The Cat, Red Dwarf A lie in time saves nine. There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over. About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. - Herbert Hoover Isn't it time you did some work? The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time. - Bertrand Russell If this is time-sharing, give me my share right now. It's not time yet. When a man is tired of Ankh-Morpork, he is tired of ankle-deep slurry. - Terry Pratchett, Mort Do you ever get tired of being wrong? Them Toad Suckers How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods? Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs! Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers, Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers. Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy? Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy! Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south, Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth! How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it, Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it! - Mason Williams If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you strapped toast on the back of a cat and dropped it? Today I dialed a wrong number. The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" They said, "Uh, I don't think so, he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait." Today is a bad day to give to charity. Today is a good day for you to jump in a lake. Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official. Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day. Today is the first day of the rest of the mess. Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage. Today is the last day of your life so far. Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow. Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster? - Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" Why don't we get together and call ourselves an institute. So, do you want to get together for dinner and that whipped cream thing? I see TOILET SEATS ... You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself. They told me I was gullible . . . and I BELIEVED them! They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them! They told me you had proven it About a month before. The proof was valid, more or less But rather less than more. He sent them word that we would try To pass where they had failed And after we were done, to them The new proof would be mailed. My notion was to start again Ignoring all they'd done We quickly turned it into code To see if it would run. When they discovered our results Their hair began to curl Instead of understanding it We'd run the thing through PRL. Don't tell a soul about all this For it must ever be A secret, kept from all the rest Between yourself and me. When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm beginning to believe it. - Clarence Darrow I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a skull fracture. - Insurance claim If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole. Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow. Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest. And tomorrow will be like today, only more so. May your tongue stick to the roof of your mouth with the force of a thousand caramels. Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree. I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes. I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle. It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous. They took some of the Van Goghs, most of the jewels, and all of the Chivas! Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch? - W. C. Fields If a tool is put away when you're sure it won't be needed again, it will. Soon. O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law: Murphy was an optimist. Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all. Toothache tends to start on Saturday night. One day a tortoise will learn how to fly. - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. - Ashleigh Brilliant Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore! Tourist, Rincewind decided, meant "idiot". - Terry Pratchett, The Colour of Magic Any town built by filling a mud hole with sawdust and proudly having a slug as a sort of civic totem is a town, one feels, where Rincewind would feel right at home. - Terry Pratchett looks forward to his visit to Seattle, USA. alt.fan.pratchett You can't trample infidels when you're a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look. - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods Been Transferred Lately? A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. Q. What is the transition stage between capitalism and communism? A. Alcoholism. The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of us who are fortunate enough never to have been one - like watching Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe. Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow. If I traveled to the end of the rainbow As Dame Fortune did intend, Murphy would be there to tell me The pot's at the other end. - Bert Whitney You will be traveling and coming into a fortune. Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy. You tread upon my patience. Treat each new situation as though it's a crisis. If you treat people right they will treat you right; 90% of the time. Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy. This is for all ill-treated fellows, Unborn and unbegot, For them to read when they're in trouble, And I am not. - A. E. Housman The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad. I'm N-ary the tree, I am, N-ary the tree, I am, I am. I'm getting traversed by the parser next door, She's traversed me seven times before. And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!) Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!) I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary. N-ary the tree I am, I am, N-ary the tree I am. As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there is always a future in Computer Maintenance. - National Lampoon, "Deteriorada" Kix are for trids. You will triumph over your enemy. Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level. The trouble is that things *never* get better, they just stay the same, only more so. - Terry Pratchett, Eric The trouble was that he was talking in philosophy, but they were listening in gibberish. - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods The trouble with a kitten is that When it grows up, it's always a cat - Ogden Nash The trouble with being a god is that you've got no one to pray to. - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing more important to do. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. - Walt West The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. - Terry Pratchett, Diggers The trouble with political jokes is that they keep getting elected. Trouble: Charles Manson. *REAL* Trouble: His evil twin. - Mister Boffo Troubled day for beautiful wealthy virgins over 16 living in eucalyptus trees. Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing. All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly. Truce, n: From the Iraqi meaning "to reload". A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. - Insurance claim It was true about the time measurement as well. The Tezumen had realized long ago that everything was steadily getting worse and, having a terrible little-mindedness, had developed a complex system to keep track of how much worse each succeeding day was. - Terry Pratchett, Eric True happiness will be found only in true love. If all be true that I do think, There be Five Reasons why one should Drink; Good friends, good wine, or being dry, Or lest we should be by-and-by, Or any other reason why. It is not true that life is one damn thing after another - it's one damn thing over and over. - Edna St. Vincent Millay Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. It's true what they say about drugs being hobbit forming. All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. You are truly a rhinestone in the rough. Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence. - Henrik Tikkanen You have a truly strong individuality. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap. You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you. Who does not trust enough will not be trusted. Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust. Put your trust in those who are worthy. Wit has truth in it. Wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words. Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure. The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And vice versa. "Now we've got a truth to die for!" "No. Men should die for lies. But the truth is too precious to die for." - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) Truthful, adj.: Dumb and illiterate. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only specification is that it should run noiselessly. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. Trying to establish voice contact - please yell into keyboard. Trying to get an education here is like trying to take a drink from a fire hose. They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune. (To the tune of "The Caissons Go Rolling Along".) Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all, Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. And we've also found Just flip one switch When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch You turn the disk readers into And the tape drives will crumble trash. in a flash. Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo," And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash. To tuple is human, to curry, divine. - Anonymous functional programmer I'll turn over a new leaf. Turnaucka's Law: The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord. When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety. A man who turns green has eschewed protein. The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks Which practically conceal its sex. I think it clever of the turtle In such a fix to be so fertile. - Ogden Nash Are you a turtle? Tussman's Law: Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. 'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks Did gyre and gimble in their cave All mimsy was the CS-VAX And Cory raths outgrave. "Beware the software rot, my son! The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash! Beware the broken pipe, and shun The frumious system crash!" 'Twas the Night before Crisis 'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house, Not a program was working not even a browse. The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care, Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer. The users were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of inquiries danced in their heads. When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter. And what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear. More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, And he whistled and shouted and called them by name; On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean, From Weekends and nights in front of a screen. A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread. 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And throughout our place of residence, Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus, Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus. I've only got twelve cards. Don't hit me! I'm in the Twilight Zone! You are in a twisting maze of little passages, all different. You are in a twisty little maze of standards, all conflicting. R. P. Tyler was not, however, satisfied simply with being vouchsafed the difference between right and wrong. He felt it his bounden duty to tell the world. - Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. - Oscar Wilde The ugliest code I ever saw was the junk I wrote two months ago. The greatest code I ever saw is the stuff I'm writing today. This statement will still be true two months from now. - John Norstad, Disinfectant author They may have been ugly. They may have been evil. But when it came to poetry in motion, the Things had all the grace and coordination of a deck-chair. - Meet the creatures from the Dungeon Dimensions, Terry Pratchett, Equal Rites I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries. - Insurance claim Max, as a unary function, isn't very interesting. Van Roy's Law: An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea. - Douglas Adams "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" Uncle Cosmo, why do they call this a word processor? It's simple, Skyler, you've seen what food processors do to food, right?" - MacNelley, "Shoe" Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it. My uncle has a country place that no-one knows about, he says it used to be a farm before he mowed the lawn. Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the opposite. - J. K. Galbraith Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it can wait. Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic. Under every stone lurks a politician. I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get. Never underestimate a woman. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. Do not underestimate the power of the Force. Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: Superiority is recessive. We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights! I don't understand you anymore. Undetectable errors are infinite; detectable errors by definition are finite. Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. - Trotsky Unfair animal names: - tsetse fly - bullhead - booby - duck-billed platypus - sapsucker - Clarence - Gary Larson Q. How many union electricians does it take to change a light bulb? A. Seventeen. One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to change the bulb. One to hold him on the stepladder. Four to hold the stepladder steady. One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to make sure that the other bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to supervise. Two to take a coffee break, one to eat lunch, and one to nap. One to plot the best way of breaking into the apartment at night. One to drink martinis with the WASPs. Q. How many union shop stewards does it take to change a light bulb? A. 50. 50?! Yeah, 50; it's in the contract. I am unique and different too! We are both the same, 'cause we are both different and unique! We are both *not* individuals, because we are the same 'cause we are both different! And unique! Both! *Gorn*! - Jos This unit ... must ... survive. United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas season was mared by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of every persuasion. Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the world. - Isaac Asimov The United States Army; 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress. The universe is all a spinoff of the Big Bang. The universe is laughing behind your back. What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing to compare it with. When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the corners as bodies of a lower grade. - Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" Universe, n.: The problem. A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation." - Stephen Crane A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students. - John Ciardi The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is said to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of his decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride." Q. How many University of Chicago Economics professors does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. If the bulb needed fixing the market would have done it. University, n.: Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to fix it, and ... Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name. Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, in kernel as it is in user! A Unix saleslady, Lenore enjoys work, but she likes the beach more. She found a good way to combine work and play: She sells C-shells by the seashore. A UNIX saleslady, Lenore, Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more. She found a good way To combine work and play: She sells C shells by the seashore. Unix soit qui mal y pense. Do UNIX users get C-sick? If you don't like UNIX, it's probably because you never tried MS-DOS. This was the most unkindest cut of all. Unnamed Law: If it happens, it must be possible. Unpredictable things are hard to predict. Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all. Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. - H. L. Mencken You are unscrupulously dishonest, false, and deceitful. How untasteful can you get? Don't say yes until I finish talking. - Darryl F. Zanuck Never put off until run time what you can do at compile time. - David Gries, in "Compiler Construction for Digital Computers", circa 1969. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid all together. Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. You have an unusual equipment for success. Be sure to use it properly. Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold, the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south. After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure, he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him. There are three morals to this story: 1. Not everyone who shits on you is necessarily your enemy. 2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is necessarily your friend. 3. If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut. Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of the smaller prime numbers. 2: The Odd Prime - It's the only even prime, therefore is odd. QED. 3: The True Prime - Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you 3 times, it's true." 31: The Arbitrary Prime - Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none at all. Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers. I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment. - Robert Thornton, economics professor, Lehigh University, Bethlehem, PA. Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q. [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir What can you use used tampons for? Tea bags for vampires. There used to be a saying: "The sun never sets on the British empire, because God doesn't trust an Englishman in the dark." I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger. I used to be indecisive but now I'm not so sure. I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance. When you are used to never being alone, you may consider yourself Americanized. I used to think that *I* was stupid, and then I met philosophers. - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods My dad used to train me for the olympics by making me swim at the BOTTOM of a vat of hydrochloric acid for hours on end. Then feed me year-old herring poo for its "medicinal qualities". After feeding me to a mincer he'd make lambs fry of my liver and castanets of my testicles. And then I'd have to go to work. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. Oh, a very useful philosophical animal, your average tortoise. Outrunning metaphorical arrows, beating hares in races. Very handy. - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods Your most useful program will be continually improved until it is useless. User n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that. That's user, u s r, and then there's a space ... 11 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR 1. Scarecrow for centipedes 2. Dead cat brush 3. Hair barrettes 4. Cleats 5. Self-piercing earrings 6. Fungus trellis 7. False eyelashes 8. Prosthetic dog claws 9. Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors). 10. Killer velcro 11. Currency If no one uses it, there's a reason. - I USHERED SOULS INTO THE NEXT WORLD. I WAS THE GRAVE OF ALL HOPE. I WAS THE ULTIMATE REALITY. I WAS THE ASSASSIN AGAINST WHOM NO LOCK WOULD HOLD. - Yes, point taken, but do you have any particular skills? - Death consults a job broker, Terry Pratchett, Mort Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach. - S. C. Johnson Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else - unless it is an enemy. - Albert Einstein To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it? A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with. - Tenessee Williams Vail's Second Axiom: The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. Be valiant, but not too venturous. Let thy attire be comely, but not costly. Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you. Variety is the spice of life - or so they say. But sticking to one person would make a change! My vaseline is RUNNING. Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once. 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points. "Is" is the verb for when you don't want a verb. A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. Verbs has to agree with their subjects. Verence would rather cut his own leg off than put a witch in prison, since it'd save trouble in the long run and probably be less painful. - Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips." "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made good copy." - Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" The vermine is a small black and white relative of the lemming, found in the cold Hublandish regions. Its skin is rare and highly valued, especially by the vermine itself; the selfish little bastard will do anything rather than let go of it. - Discworld wildlife, Terry Pratchett, Sourcery Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars. "I'm vice-president of Throwing Out People Mr Dibbler Doesn't like the Face of." - Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures You will be the victim of a bizarre joke. Vidi, vici, veni. (I saw, I conquered, I came.) Ink, n.: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Vini, vidi, vici. Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. - Salvor Hardin To use violence is to already be defeated. A violent man will die a violent death. Virgin, n.: An ugly third grader. To all virgins: thanks for nothing. VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of that old underwear you own. VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers. Oh boy, virtual memory! Now I'm gonna make myself a REALLY BIG ram disk! - lennox@shire.hw.stratus.com Virtue is insufficient temptation. Virtue is its own punishment. I have a VISION! It's a RANCID double-FISHWICH on an ENRICHED BUN!! Visit beautiful Vergas, Minnesota. Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells. You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon. A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work. A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. Vitamin C deficiency is apauling. A vivid and creative mind characterizes you. Volcano - a mountain with hiccups. Why do Volvo drivers think they are more worthy of salvation than the motorists they hit. Don't vote - it only encourages them! Vote anarchist! The voters have spoken, the bastards. Wagner's music is better than it sounds. - Mark Twain The more waist, the less speed. You could wait a long time. Hey, wait a minute! I want a divorce! .. You're not Clint Eastwood!! Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time. Don't wait for your ship to come in, swim out to meet it! Waiter, there's no fly in my soup! - Kermit the frog Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" 1st customer: "I'll have tea." 2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the glass is clean!" (Waiter exits, returns) Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?" Walk softly and carry a big stick. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok. Why walk when you can stagger? walking like a man carrying a thermos flask of something that might cause, if he dropped it or even thought about dropping it, the sort of explosion that impels grey-beards to make statements like "And where this crater is now, once stood the city of Wah-Shing-Ton", in SF B-movies. - Crowley gets out the Holy Water, Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose. Who was Dan Walsh? If God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a candidate. - Jerry Dreshfield If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands. A wanton young lady from Wimley, Reproached for not acting quite primly, Said, "Heavens above! I know sex isn't love, But it's such an entrancing facsimile." If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it, even if they don't know what it means. - Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party" If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler. The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood. - Alexander Haig WARNING: Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war. Warranty and guaranty clauses are voided by payment of the invoice. Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is humanity hanging on a cross of iron. - Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953 Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss. - Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" Was it a car or a cat I saw? WASHINGTON DC (UPI) - A terrified nation sat in stunned silence Friday as a special television news report revealed what one man had suspected for years: Star Trek fans are controlling the country. Washington DC is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. - John F. Kennedy Waste not fresh tears over old griefs. Waste not, get your budget cut next year. Wasting time is an important part of living. You are wasting your time. A man with one watch knows what time it is, with two watches he is never sure. Watch out for low flying seagulls. Watch out for off-by-one errors. Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home. You are being watched. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. Air is water with holes in it. Watson's Law: The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the number and significance of any persons watching it. 1) I have never waved a hankie in anger 2) I do not peronally know any Morris dancers 3) But Morris dancing is kind of funny and weird at the same time. - Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett He waxn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Govenor - Hell, they HAD to make him President of the United States. It's the only job he's qualified for! - Michael Cain "Wayne Newton is," he says, "an example of what America can be." There are more ways into the woods than out. There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are _obviously_ no deficiencies and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no _obvious_ deficiencies. - C.A.R. Hoare, The Emperor's Old Clothes, CACM, February 1981 There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope. - Oscar Wilde There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream. There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works. Oh wearisome condition of humanity! Born under one law, to another bound. If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will exceed all expectations. - Reverend Chichester Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise. The weed of crime bears bitter fruit. How many weeks are there in a light year? My weight is perfect for my height - which varies. Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. Weinberg's First Law: Progress is made on alternate Fridays. Weinberg's Principle: An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy. Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross references. Welcome to the Future! It's just starting now. Welcome to The Machine. Welease Woger! No, no! Weweathe Wudolph the Wed Nothe Weindeer! I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row." So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots. - Samuel Foote I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent - not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to the point where it would not run at all. - George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars" I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?" I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific. I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses. I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again. I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's ... Over in west Philadelphia a puppy is vomiting .. Westheimer's Discovery: A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a couple of hours in the library. Wethern's Law: Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. Whale biologist: "Let me guess. You're from outer space." Captain Kirk: "No, I'm from Iowa. I only work in outer space." Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay? Whatever became of eternal truth? Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding hundred dollar bills." - Herb Caen Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not nailed down. - Collis P. Huntingdon Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts. Whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Cleveland. Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first. Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really". - Dave Parnas Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes. Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally. - Abraham Lincoln Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. - Oscar Wilde Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. - Mark Twain "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court" Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform. - Mark Twain Whether you can hear it or not, The Universe is laughing behind your back. - National Lampoon, "Deteriorada" While a transcendent vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not become ensconced by obscurity. While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is admission to someone else. While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, The fate of empires and the fall of kings; While quacks of State must each produce his plan, And even children lisp the Rights of Man; Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, The Rights of Woman merit some attention. - Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", November 26, 1792 While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in *exactly* the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?" "While I'm still confused and uncertain, it's on a much higher plane, d'you see, and at least I know I'm bewildered about the really fundamental and important facts of the universe." Treatle nodded. "I hadn't looked at it like that," he said, "But you're absolutely right. He's really pushed back the boundaries of ignorance." - Discworld scientists at work, Terry Pratchett, Equal Rites While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery. While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position. While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their correctness never does. While there's life, there's hope. While travelling near Tampa, Florida, we went by the "Jehovah's Witness Assembly Hall". On spotting this, my wife exclaimed: "So THAT's where they make them!" While working his way along a wall he came to a huge door, which artistically portrayed a group of prisoners apparently being given a complete medical check-up [footnote: From a distance it did, anyway. Close to, no]. - Rincewind visits the Tezumen tribe, Terry Pratchett, Eric If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted. - Marguerite Emmons While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very reassuring to know that it's still there. While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Where there's a whip there's a way. Whistler's Law: You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge. White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair. Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter - for they had a machine, a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside it, for it was all they had - first they saved up all their atoms, then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine. - Stanislaw Lem Who are you? The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts. - Bertrand Russell It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes. The whole world is about three drinks behind. - Humphrey Bogart Whoops, stepped on a frog. A wide-eyed, innocent UNICORN, poised delicately in a MEADOW filled with LILACS, LOLLIPOPS and small CHILDREN at the HUSH of twilight? A widow who fancied a man some, Was diddled three times in a hansome. When she clamored for more Her young man became sore, And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson." Man and wife make one fool. If you awe the wife of Bickuth Dickuth, you muft be Incontinenfia! I find yo' name vewwy widiculouth! Wiker's Law: Government expands to absorb all available revenue and then some. Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. - W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee" William Safire's Rules for Writers: Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives. Williams and Holland's Law: If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods. When the wind is great, bow before it; when the wind is heavy, yield to it. If there is no wind, row. In a window of a general store: why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come right here? I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age. Because the wine remembers. You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery. You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. Your winning smile is your greatest asset. Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug. Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone. Wisdom is knowing what to do next. Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know. It is the wise bird that builds its nest in a tree. It is a wise father that knows his own child. He that is wise loveth instruction; but he that is brutish hateth reproof. Wise man see more from bottom of well than fool from mountain top. Wise man see more from mountain top than fool from bottom of well. A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion. The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf. To be wise, the only thing you need to know is when to say "I don't know." You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash. I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't work. - Gallagher I wish they all could be California girls. If you wish to succeed, consult three old people. Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets - The Brigader, Dr. Who We wish you a Hare Krishna We wish you a Hare Krishna We wish you a Hare Krishna And a Sun Myung Moon! - Maxwell Smart You will wish you hadn't. I wish you humans would leave me alone. Make a wish, it might come true. Man wishes he could fly. Birds wish they could drive. Wishing without work is like fishing without bait. No one within an organization really knows what's going on. Without fools there would be no wisdom. Without ice cream, life and fame are meaningless. Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. - Woody Allen A day without sunshine is like night. Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns: Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a feminine moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in the Illiad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of that name. - A history student You're at Witt's End. A witty saying proves nothing. - Voltaire Any wizard bright enough to survive for five minutes was also bright enough to realise that if there was any power in demonology, then it lay with the demons. Using it for your own purposes would be like trying to beat mice to death with a rattlesnake. - Why summoning demons is a Bad Idea, Terry Pratchett, Eric Wobbler had written an actual computer game like this once. It was called "Journey to Alpha Centauri". It was a screen with some dots on it. Because, he said, it happened in *real time*, which no-one had ever heard of until computers. He'd seen on TV that it took three thousand years to get to Alpha Centauri. He had written it so that if anyone kept their computer on for three thousand years, they'd be rewarded by a little dot appearing in the middle of the screen, and then a message saying, "Welcome to Alpha Centauri. Now go home." - Terry Pratchett, Only You Can Save Mankind Wobbler thought that California was where good people went when they died. - Terry Pratchett, Only You Can Save Mankind When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes." Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her. A woman is like a dresser - some man always goin' through her drawers. - Blind Lemon Pledge That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. - Dorothy Parker A woman was speaking to Winston Churchill. Commenting on his brute attitude, she said, "If I was your wife, I'd put poison in your tea." His response, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it." Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary. A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. THE WOMBAT The wombat lives across the seas, Among the far Antipodes. He may exist on nuts and berries, Or then again, on missionaries; His distant habitat precludes Conclusive knowledge of his moods. But I would not engage the wombat In any form of mortal combat. Women like the simple things in life - like men. Women's clothes were not a subject that preoccupied Cutwell much -- in fact, usually when he thought about women his mental pictures seldom included any clothes at all -- but the vision in front of him really did take his breath away. - Princess Keli prepares for her coronation, Terry Pratchett, Mort He wondered reflectively what would happen if you asked a nun where the Gents was. Probably the Pope sent you a sharp note or something. - Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without having to accomplish anything. How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. That must be wonderful! I dont understand it at all. Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you come back. Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said, "Hey! Wood heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made, and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, although their insurance rates went way up. - Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot. Woof bloody woof. - Gaspode the Wonder Dog in Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures Is the word "spec" short for specification or for speculation? "In a word -- im-possible!" "That's two words," said Dibbler. - Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. - Beckett A word to the wise is enough. Mum's the word. Words are the voice of the heart. Words have a longer life than deeds. Words must be weighed, not counted. "He's a man of few words, and he doesn't know what either of them mean," people said, but not when he was within hearing. - Terry Pratchett, The Carpet People Work expands to fill the time available for its completion. Most of us have been at work for several hours now. Your work is very poor, but at least it's slow. Work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. How can you work when the system's so crowded? It won't work. I like work; I can sit and watch it for hours. I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours. Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your chairs. By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be the boss and work twelve hours a day. When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer. Who made the world I cannot tell; 'Tis made, and here am I in hell. My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, I never soiled with such a deed. - A. E. Housman God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast. The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit. The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books! The world is coming to an end. Please log off. The world is coming to an end. SAVE YOUR BUFFERS! The world isn't worse. It's just that the news coverage is so much better. When will the world run out of nude pictures of Madonna? What can you say about a world that thinks God is dead but Elvis is alive? The world wants to be deceived. The end of the world will occur at 3:00 pm, this Friday, with symposium to follow. All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. - Sean O'Casey If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. - Paul Beatty All the world's a VAX, And all the coders merely butchers; They have their exits and their entrails; And one int in his time plays many widths, His sizeof being N bytes. At first the infant, Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms. And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun, And shining morning face, creeping like slug Unwillingly to school. - A Very Annoyed PDP-11 The world's as old as sin, and almost as delightful. - Frederick Locker-Lampson If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a conclusion. - William Baumol I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you've seen it. In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it. Once a can of worms is opened, the only way to recan them is in a bigger can. A worried young man from Stamboul, Founds lots of red spots on his tool. Said the doctor, a cynic, "Get out of my clinic; Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!" Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. - Charles Schultz Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's supposed to do. - Robert A. Heinlein Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it. Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry. Don't worry, if everything worked right you'd be out of a job. It could be worse - it might be raining. Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. - Miguel de Cervantes The worst form of failure is the failure to try. Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: August. The lines are the shortest, though. - Steve Rubenstein Worst Month of the Year: February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. Worst Vegetable of the Year: The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year. - Steve Rubenstein What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do. That's why it's always worth having a few philosophers around the place. One minute it's all Is Truth Beauty and Is Beauty Truth, and Does A Falling Tree in the Forest Make A Sound if There's No one There to Hear It, and then just when you think they're going to start dribbling one of 'em says, Incidentally, putting a thirty-foot parabolic reflector on a high place to shoot the rays of the sun at an enemy's ships would be a very interesting demonstration of optical principles. - The many and varied advantages of philosophy, Terry Pratchett, Small Gods Worth seeing? Yes, but not worth going to see. I wouldn't mind dying - it's that business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me. - R. Geis I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me. - Hunter S. Thompson Wow! I could've had a V/8! A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. Write all adverbial forms correct. If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare? Those who can't write, write manuals. Write-Protect Tab, n.: A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary inconvenience. - Robb Russon A writer must not shift your point of view. No writer's wife understands that he's working when he's staring out the window. I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down. I may be wrong but I hear the top hits on USSR radio now are: 1. Who's Sorry Now? 2. It's My (Communist) Party, (And I'll Cry If I Want To) 3. Gorby's Back (And You're Gonna Be In Trouble) 4. Tanks For the Memories 5. Crimea River 6. Beat It We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure. Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do. - Steve Simmons F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm! Xerox does it again and again and again and ... Xerox never comes up with anything original. I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine. I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. "Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right. - S. C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements" By the yard, life is hard. By the inch, it's a cinch. A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God. New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it. - Webster's Unafraid Dictionary Year, n.: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" For years a secret shame destroyed my peace - I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. But now I think a thought that brings me hope: Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. - Justin Richardson. Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon, there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday. - Walt Kelly The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers. Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing. - R. Geis Yeast is yeast and nest is nest and never the mane shall tweet. Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing. Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business. Yesterday I started GNU-Emacs on my system. It's PID was 666. Does this mean that GNU-Emacs is an editor from hell? Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?" Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?" Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. - Snoopy Yesterday upon the stair I met a man who wasn't there. He wasn't there again today - I think he's from the CIA. IBM: Yesterday's technology at tomorrow's prices. Yield to temptation - it may not pass your way again. - Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company. - J. Wellington Wells Yinkel, n.: A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one will notice. - Rich Hall, "Sniglets" New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors. In a New York resaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager. New York's got the ways and means; Just won't let you be. - The Grateful Dead You can't get there from here. You get what you pay for. You would if you could but you can't so you won't. We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a French restaurant. I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. "Stop the car," the girl said. There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget. "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway belle's for thee." The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day. - Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway Competition A man is as young as he feels - after he's tried to prove it. Once a young gay from Khartoum, Took a lesbian up to his room. They argued all nite, Over who had the right, To do what, and with which, and to whom. 1) There was a young girl from Peru 2) There was a young man from Verdun Whose limericks stopped at line two - Martin Gardner "Aha, Gotcha!" There was a young girl named Saphire Who succumbed to her lover's desire. She said, "It's a sin, But now that it's in, Could you shove it a few inches higher?" Mr Young hadn't had to quiet a screaming baby for years. He'd never been much good at it to start with. He'd always respected Sir Winston Churchill, and patting small versions of him on the bottom had always seemed ungracious. - Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens There was a young lad, name of Durcan Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. His father said, "Durcan! Stop jerkin' your gherkin! Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. There was a young lady from Hyde Who ate a green apple and died. While her lover lamented The apple fermented And made cider inside her inside. There was a young lady from Maine Who claimed she had men on her brain. But you knew from the view, As her abdomen grew, It was not on her brain that he'd lain. There was a young lady named Hall, Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. The dress caught on fire, And burned her entire, Front page, sporting section, and all. There was a young man from Bel-Aire Who was screwing his girl on the stair, But the banister broke So he doubled his stroke And finished her off in mid-air. There was a young man named Crockett Whose balls got caught in a socket. His wife was a bitch, So she threw the switch, And Crockett went off like a rocket. There once was a young man named Gene Who invented a screwing machine Concave and convex It served either sex And it played with itself inbetween. There was a young man who said "God, I find it exceedingly odd, That the willow oak tree Continues to be, When there's no one about in the Quad." "Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, For I'm always about in the Quad; And that's why the tree, Continues to be," Signed, "Yours faithfully, God." Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools. Young men, hear an old man to whom old men hearkened when he was young. You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. There was a young poet named Dan, Whose poetry never would scan. When told this was so, He said, "Yes, I know. It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can." There was a young poet named Dan, whose poetry would never scan, when told this was so, ` He said, Yes I know, It's because I try to fit every possible sylable into the last line that I can. There was a young whore from kaloo Who filled her vagina with glue. She said with a grin, "If they pay to get in, They can pay to get out again too!" The young wish to give their elders the full benefits of their inexperience. When I was young, my family bought a color TV. Our neighbors, who were poorer, had only a black-and-white set. They bought a piece of cellophane, shaded from red through yellow to blue, and taped it over their screen, so they could claim that they had a color TV, too. Now there's Windows 3.1. When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. - Mark Twain Why not go and make yourself a nice cup of tea. Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it. Youth is the trustee of posterity. Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation. "You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers That your lectures bore people to death. Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year - Don't you think that you should save your breath?" "I have answered three questions and that is enough," Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs! Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!" "You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak For anything tougher than suet; Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak - Pray, how did you manage to do it?" "In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, And argued each case with my wife; And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw, Has lasted the rest of my life." - Lewis Carrol "You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run, And there isn't one language you like; Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none - Have you thought about taking a hike?" "Since I never write programs," his father replied, "Every language looks equally bad; Yet the people keep paying to read all my books And don't realize that they've been had." "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, And have grown most uncommonly fat; Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door - Pray what is the reason of that?" "In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, "I kept all my limbs very supple By the use of this ointment - one shilling the box - Allow me to sell you a couple?" - Lewis Carrol "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, And make errors few people could bear; You complain about everyone's English but yours - Do you really think this is quite fair?" "I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared, "But my stature these days is so great That no critic can hurt me - I've got them all scared, And to stop me it's now far too late." "You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose That your eye was as steady as ever; Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose - What made you so awfully clever?" "I have answered three questions, and that is enough," Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs! Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!" - Lewis Carrol Youth. It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it. Zero defects, n.: The result of shutting down a production line. As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself." Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words since I first called my brother's father dad. - William Shakespeare, "King John" Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work in the past te