From sjl@doc.ic.ac.uk Tue Nov 5 20:57:40 1991 Newsgroups: icdoc.general Path: icdoc!sjl From: sjl@doc.ic.ac.uk (Steve J Lacey) Subject: A joke - don't take this seriously! (LONGISH) Nntp-Posting-Host: raquel.doc.ic.ac.uk Message-ID: Organization: Department Of Computing, Imperial College, London. Date: 5 Nov 91 14:38:12 Distribution: icdoc Lines: 147 Hi, With tounge firmly stappled to cheek, here is a joke from the collected rec.humor.funny. I hope you find it amusing. Originally by Dean J Tabor (sxdjt@acad3.fai.alaska.edu). Steve. Computer : The black box that does all your work for you. That's all you need to know. Response Time : Usually measured in nanoseconds; sometimes measured in calendar months. The general rule is: Shut up your complaining about response time. Hardware : See "Computer." Again, not your concern. Software : If we want you to know, we'll tell you about it, otherwise, leave us alone. Network : Don't worry about it, we'll take care of it. Use it to send mail among your half-wit selves, and don't think we won't read it all. What do you think we do all day? By the way, Butterman, shame about your mother's pancreas... Data : The general rule is: Don't use any data files and if you find any, delete them before I find out about them. In fact, just stay off the computer. (See "Response Time") System Crash : Don't ever call the system manager to tell him you think the computer is down. Don't call him to ask him when it will be up again. The more you bother him, the longer it takes. Downtime : Like I said, don't ask. Uptime : Be thankful for it, use it wisely, and get out of my face. Overtime : Don't be ridiculous. Vacation : A time during which I don't have to put up with your sniveling. Don't try calling. There's no point. Computer Room : Keep out, you're not invited. Don't knock on the door - don't even think about it. I broke the phone last time one of you jerks called me, and I'm not going to replace it. And keep your greasy fingers of the windows. My Office : The name says it all... it's mine; stay out. Your Problems : The name says it all... Deadlines : The general rule is: Deadlines are not acknowledged by me; they're not by responsibility. Go tell someone who cares. Maintenance : a) A valid reason for shutting down the system at any time. b) Much more important than anything any of you bozos do. c) Anything I choose to call `mainenance' is maintenance. Software Upgrades : Far too complex for you to comprehend. If I tell you I'm upgrading the system, just be quietly thankful. It's for your own good, even if it does mean extensive downtime during peak periods. Electronic Mail : I delete it before it's read, so don't bother sending any to me. Defaults : We like them just like they are; we choose them for a reason. Don't mess with them; consider them mandatory. Error Messages : I'm not interested. I'm going to kill your processes anyway, so keep them to yourself. Killing Your Processes : a) Don't ever ask why. b) Beyond your control. c) No warnings are given. d) The highlight of my day. e) If you call, it's going to happen. No exceptions. Passwords : I reserve the right to change them without notice at any time. I choose them, and the more you bother me, the more degrading yours will be. (Example: Butterman: SNOTFACE) Users : a) They slow down the computer. b) They waste my time. c) A general nuisance. d) Worse than that, really. Software Modifications : You don't know what you want - we'll tell you what you want. It stays like it is. Period. Privileges : I've got them, you don't need them. Enough said. Priority : Mine is higher than yours, accept it. That's the reason my games run faster than your lousy accounting package (See "Response Time"). Terminals : Before calling me with your terminal problem, consider this: a) Are you prepared to do without one for weeks? b) Do you REALLY want your processes killed? c) Did you just trip over the cord again? d) Of course you did. Disk Space : I set the quotas, you live with them. If you need more space, check "Data Files." Operator : I hired him and I trained him. He does what I tell him to. Usually armed; always dangerous. Backups : A good idea if I gave a sh*t, which of course I don't. Lunch : The only time that calling my office won't result in the killing of your processes. Data Security : That's your problem. I'm certainly not going to loose any sleep over it. My files are locked up tight. I fell secure. Jiffy : Length of time it takes me to resolve your problem by killing your process. Eternity : Length of time it takes me to give a sh*t about any problem that can't be resolved by killing your process. Impossible : a) It can't be done (as far as you know). b) I can't be bothered. c) You're starting to annoy me. Inevitable : a) Couldn't have been avoided. b) Not my fault (as far as you know). c) The result of annoying me). Menus : If it's not on the menu, don't ask for it. It's not available. If it is on the menu, it's probably of no use or it doesn't work. We're working on it (see "Eternity".) Utilities : I find them quite useful, you'll find them quite inaccessable. Besides, they're not on your menu are they? What did I tell you about that? Nuisance : You. -- ----- Steve J Lacey, Systems Group. (In my opinion, my opinions are just that.) Department of Computing, Imperial College of Science, Technology and Medicine, 180 Queen's Gate, London SW7. Phone : 071 589 5111 x5085, Fax : 071 581 8024 Email: sjl@doc.ic.ac.uk `Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?'