COMPILED by D Howe from Path: hrc63!ukc!mcvax!enea!erix!erialfa!roger From: roger@erialfa.UUCP (Roger Svensson) Newsgroups: eunet.jokes Subject: Light Bulb Jokes ... Message-ID: <159@erialfa.UUCP> Date: 28 Sep 87 13:22:54 GMT Reply-To: roger@erialfa.UUCP (Roger Svensson) Distribution: eunet Organization: Ericsson Information Systems AB, Kista, Stockholm, SWEDEN AND Path: hrc63!root44!stc!stl!ukc!its63b!hwcs!adrian From: adrian@cs.hw.ac.uk (Adrian Hurt) Newsgroups: eunet.jokes Subject: More light bulbs Keywords: Imported Message-ID: <1673@brahma.cs.hw.ac.uk> Date: 1 Feb 88 10:59:57 GMT Distribution: eunet Organization: Computer Science, Heriot-Watt U., Scotland AND Plexus fortunes AND other places From "The Cannonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes" ==================================================== Q: How many Californians does it to change a lightbulb ? A: Six, One to turn the bulb, one for support and four to relate to experience. Q: How many Oregonians does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Five, One to change the bulb and four moore to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience. Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Only one, but the lightbulb has got to really *want* to change. Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None, Thats hardware problem! Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Thats proprietary information. Answer available from Western Electric Corp. on payment of licence fee (binary ONLY). Q: How many graduate students does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done. Q: How many "Real Men" does it take to change a light bulb ? A1: None, "Real Men" aren't afraid of the dark. A2: None of your damn business. Q: How many "Real Women" does it take to change a light bulb ? A: None, a "Real Woman" have plenty of real men around to do it. Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb ? A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes one strike. Q: How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb ? A: None, The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. Q: How many (generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb ? A: 1000001, One to change the bulb and 1000000 to rebuild civilization to the point were they needs light bulbs again. Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb ? A1: None of your damn business. A2: 50. 50 ? Yeah 50; its in the contract! Q: How many medic. students does it take to change a light bulb ? A: Five, One to change the bulb, and four to pull the ladder out from under him. Q: How many Jugglers does it take to change a light bulb ? A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs! Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb ? A: Thats not funny!!!! Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to change a light bulb ? A: None, if the Government just leave it alone, it would screw itself. Q: How many Database-people does it take to change a light bulb ? A: Three: one to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb as the same time. Q: How many *straight* San Fransiscans does it take to change a light bulb ? A: Both of them Q: How many folksingers does it take to change a light bulb ? A: Two, One to change the bulb and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was. Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb ? A: Two, One to hold the pink giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured machine tools. Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb ? A: None, the light bulb will change itself when its ready! Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb ? A: 100, Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number 8832902-3320 Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank" and 20% of the definitions are on the form "A ... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb ? A: None. You have to replace the whole motherboard. Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb ? A: As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway. Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one Watt bulb ? A: Five: A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple... Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb ? A: None. It turned itself in. Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb ? A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it! Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb ? A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end. Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb ? A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolises a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness. Q: How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb ? A: Who says it's dark ? Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to change a light bulb ? A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super- high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States. Q: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light bulb ? A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it. Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb ? A: Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him. Q: How many punk rockers does it take to screw in a light bulb ? A: Twenty: one to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list. Q: How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb ? A1: Two. One to change it, and one not to change it. A2: None. The Universe spines the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way. Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: NONE! Californians screw in hot tubs, not light bulbs! Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience. Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: "We'll fix it in software." Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: "We'll document it in the manual." Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: "The user can work it out." Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two, but how the hell do they get in? Q: How many DEC employees does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 2 People - Preliminary discussion on concept of change. 1 Person - Devise and write formal bulb architecture. 2 People - Feasability study and timetable of events. 2 People - Produce four utilities to reduce screw-in time (in addition to the electric utility). 1 Person - Maintain ISO and DEC standards (sockets, voltage, AC/DC). 4 People - Commonality task force on bulb change. 15 People - Change bulb. 5 People - Perform bulb functional test. 2 People - Perform bulb load test. 3 People - Perform bulb regression test. 1 Person - Perform bulb performance analysis. 1 Person - Perform bulb bottleneck analysis. 1 Person - Follow-up study (bulb merge feasibility). 1 Person - Interface with utilities commission. 1 Person - Interface with users. (Did they want incandescent when we only supply non-tunable fluorescent point product?) BAX (Bulbs Are eXpensive)! 5 People - Perform BOSE (Build Other Socket Enhancements). compatibility architecture/study. 3 People - Perform VIA (Voltage Increases Amps) phase 2 compatibility architecture/study. 2 People - Ensure form (round, square, clear/frosted) follows function (wattage, 120/240 volts, visible/ultra-violet, flashing, flood/spot). 3 People - Implement temporary alternative bulb socket for already existing, successful, and profitable socket (bulb-in-one). 5 People - Determine how to market/package/distribute temporary alternative bulb socket. 10 People - Determine how to perform bulb change product split (Control: switches, dimmers; versus implementation: screw-in torque, recovery strategies). 1 Person - Interface with utilities commission QA group. 1 Person - Submit to BDC (Bulb Distribution Center). 1 Person - Set up BPR (Bulb Problem Reports) system. 10 People - Answer customer BPRs. 11 People - Football team to challenge bulb changers. Q: How many LADA's do you need to change a lightbulb? A: 13. 12 in part exchange and 1 to stand on.