From ns4@doc.ic.ac.uk Mon Jun 20 11:52:57 1994 Date: Mon, 20 Jun 94 11:52 BST From: ns4@doc.ic.ac.uk (Nikolaos Skarmeas) To: dbh@doc.ic.ac.uk Subject: Re: humor Forwarding: Mail from 'ny@doc.ic.ac.uk (Nicholas Yialelis)' dated: Fri, 17 Jun 1994 15:22:46 +0000 ---------- Begin Forwarded Message ---------- Message 33: >From doc.ic.ac.uk!ny Fri Jun 17 15:18:44 1994 Return-Path: Received: from gummo.doc.ic.ac.uk by laotzu.doc.ic.ac.uk with smtp (Smail3.1.28.1 #3) id m0qEekm-0001KwC; Fri, 17 Jun 94 15:18 BST Message-Id: <537.9406171418@gummo.doc.ic.ac.uk> Received: from [146.169.18.94] (h5macd-94.doc.ic.ac.uk) by gummo.doc.ic.ac.uk; Fri, 17 Jun 94 15:18:37 BST Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Date: Fri, 17 Jun 1994 15:22:46 +0000 To: ctk@doc.ic.ac.uk, mm5@doc.ic.ac.uk, dam@doc.ic.ac.uk, ns4@doc.ic.ac.uk From: ny@doc.ic.ac.uk (Nicholas Yialelis) Subject: humor Status: RO Subject: humor from the legal world From: Anastassios P. Tsantis, atsantis@ECCDB1.PMS.FORD.COM Date: Thu, 16 Jun 1994 16:39:00 EDT In article <9406162039.AA11018@eccdb1.pms.ford.com> Anastassios P. Tsantis, atsantis@ECCDB1.PMS.FORD.COM writes: >Auto to psarepsa mesa apo to intercompany mail edw sth douleia. > >Pisteuw na sas aresei... > > > > >> >> Thought you guys might appreciate this... >> >> Disorder in the Court: a Collection of 'Transquips' by >> Richard Lederer >> >> Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are >> uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case >> with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an >> army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and >> preserve every statement made during the proceedings. >> >> Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand >> Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom >> bloopers in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor >> in the Court, published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two >> volumes, here are some of my favorite transquips, all recorded by >> America's keepers of the word: >> >> Q. What is your brother-in-law's name? >> A. Borofkin. >> Q. What's his first name? >> A. I can't remember. >> Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't >> remember his first name? >> A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness >> chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, >> tell them your first name! >> >> Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York? >> A. I refuse to answer that question. >> Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago? >> A. I refuse to answer that question. >> Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami? >> A. No. >> >> Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? >> A. By death. >> Q. And by whose death was it terminated? >> >> Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? >> A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. >> >> Q. What is your name? >> A. Ernestine McDowell. >> Q. And what is your marital status? >> A. Fair. >> >> Q. Are you married? >> A. No, I'm divorced. >> Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him? >> A. A lot of things I didn't know about. >> >> Q. And who is this person you are speaking of? >> A. My ex-widow said it. >> >> Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? >> A. I will be three months November 8th. >> Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? >> A. Yes. >> Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time? >> >> Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable? >> A. I should be. >> Q. How many times have you comitted suicide? >> A. Four times. >> >> Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people? >> A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. >> >> Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased? >> A. Yes, sir. >> Q. Before or after he died? >> >> Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the >> influence? >> A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words. >> >> Q. What happened then? >> A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can >> identify me." >> Q. Did he kill you? >> A. No. >> >> Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a >> deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? >> A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work. >> >> Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears? >> A. No. >> Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears? >> A. Picking them up in the air. >> Q. Where was the dog at this time? >> A. Attached to the ears. >> >> Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and >> were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on >> her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning >> you and she, with him to the station? >> MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. >> >> Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? >> What school do you go to? >> A. Oral. >> Q. How old are you? >> A. Oral. >> >> Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff? >> A: She is my daughter. >> Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979? >> >> Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there >> was a victim? >> >> Q: ...and what did he do then? >> A: He came home, and next morning he was dead. >> Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead? >> >> Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you >> indignities? >> A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture. >> >> Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you >> observe with respect to your scalp? >> A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital. >> Q: It was covered? >> A: Yes, bandaged. >> Q: Then, later on.. what did you see? >> A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and >> put on top of my head. >> >> Q: Could you see him from where you were standing? >> A: I could see his head. >> Q: And where was his head? >> A: Just above his shoulders. >> >> Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this >> defendant >> A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that >> sonofabitch- and she did! >> >> Q: Do you drink when you're on duty? >> A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk. >> >> Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder >> trial instead of an attempted murder trial? >> A: The victim lived. >> >> Q: Are you sexually active? >> A: No, I just lie there. >> >> Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? >> A: Yes, I have been since early childhood. >> >> Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, >> objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas? >> A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval. >> >> Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present? >> A: It indicates intercourse. >> Q: Male sperm? >> A. That is the only kind I know. >> >> Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you? >> A: Yes, sir. >> Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right? >> >> Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child? >> > > >-- >Anestis Tsantis >atsantis@eccdb1.pms.ford.com >Ford SN95 Cobra Group, Tel: (313) 248-1493, FAX: (313) 322-9382 ----------- End Forwarded Message -----------